


You Resign Yourself to Keep on Growing - Like the Seeds You're Sowing

by ken_ichijouji (dommific)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: ...sort of, Anal Sex, Cunnilingus, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderbending, Heterosexual Sex, Internalized Misogyny, M/M, Masturbation, Misogyny, Rimming, Sexism, Sexual Harassment, Street Harassment, was a man is now a woman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 05:37:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 44,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3345539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dommific/pseuds/ken_ichijouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accident on a mission leaves Jim with more than he bargained for, in more ways than one. In addition to relearning how to move, relearning how to dress, and relearning…everything, Jim-as-a-woman has to deal with his changing relationship with Bones. But the physical changes are just temporary…right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so, this fic is very dear to me and somewhat personal, as pretty much everything Jim experiences in it has happened to me. Some of these things were said verbatim. Regardless, much of this fic is based on the truth of my existence as a woman, and therefore some of it may seem unpleasant or even a little shocking. I apologize in advance if certain scenes upset or trigger you, my dear readers; I feel I've tagged appropriately, but if I left anything off please let me know.
> 
> Mostly I wrote this because I've noticed a dearth of genderswap that actually deals with the possible repercussions. The person always adapts right away and suffers no consequences of what women actually deal with. So this is me trying to fill that void, I guess. Not sure how successful I was, but here we are.
> 
> Cartwright's first name of Lance is given in several of the TOS-era novels. I think it suits him, the big jerk. Also you may notice that Gaila and Pike are alive in this...that is because, to quote Samuel L. Fury, killing them amounted to "stupid ass decisions" that I no longer recognize. I'm sure none of you will complain. Background pairings are Nyota/Spock and Carol/Christine. Like basically throwaway lines about them and that's it, hence why I didn't tag them in the pairings. I don't want to get people's hopes up. 
> 
> I actually didn't use a lot of pop culture references in this fic, like I have in others, so there isn't anything I can think of off the top of my head where I need to reference where I got the line from. If there is something I missed, by all means point it out and I'll credit accordingly. The title is taken from the Belle and Sebastian song "Your Cover's Blown." I challenge you to listen to it and not dance. Go ahead and try it.
> 
> Thanks to Caera1996 for being my [mixer](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbJfkCXbWEC2bf1b9UfFz6RK-doMIlpRd) and knowmefirst0 for being my artist for this round of Star Trek Big Bang! It was a pleasure working with you both, and thank you so much for your collaborative efforts! Thanks to maypirate and vaincs for betaing as well! Couldn't have done it without all of you! And thanks to everyone I shared this with while I was writing it...your help is why this was possible.

Jim knew things would be different, but this was a bit much.

All of it. Not just... _this_.

Sitting in a private exam room in the Enterprise’s sickbay, Jim stared down at his hands. He still had the scar he got when he was a kid - a half moon shaped one on his right middle finger at the base from a pair of safety scissors he got thanks to a boy who bullied him. His fingers were long and thin with slightly rounded cuticles, and his nails needed to be cut.

The door slid open, heralding Bones’ appearance. Jim glanced up at him for a moment before turning his attention back to his hands. Bones was preoccupied with a chart or twelve, who could tell with his habit of keeping every tab he’d ever used open all at once.

“Geoff wouldn’t tell me what was going on,” Bones said without looking up. “Just that you need a physical post away team fiasco. Something about you falling into a spring or lake or some body of water.”

He finally looked at Jim then, and his eyes widened. The PADD clattered to the floor from his hands going slack with shock. His jaw hung open.

Jim tilted his head to one side, unable to stop the giggle from escaping. Then he stopped that pretty quickly because his new voice sounded weird to him when he laughed. Really it sounded weird period, but there was no sense in splitting hairs.

Bones’ eyes narrowed, his head tilting to the opposite side that Jim’s had. “Well,” he said after a few minutes. “This is definitely not how I last saw you.”

Jim’s answering smile was self-deprecating.

Bones stepped over the PADD and moved close to Jim, reaching out one hand and lifting his chin. His eyes swept over Jim’s new features down his new neck to his body. Jim was in a pair of scrubs -his uniform having been soaked in the incident- and his feet were in a pair of the grippy socks patients got after surgery.

“None of my shoes fit anymore,” Jim explained with a shrug. “None of my _anything_ fits anymore, actually.”

Bones continued to stare, causing heat to rise in Jim’s cheeks.

At least his hair had stayed short.

Jim’s eyes needed somewhere to look, so he brought them up to Bones’ face. Bones’ own eyes were aimed a little below his line of sight, but Jim didn’t mind at first.

At first.

Realizing what Bones had fixated on, Jim cleared his throat. Normally when he did that, his voice was gravelly and booming, but now it was daintier, more delicate.

Bones’ eyes flew back to Jim’s face.

“My eyes are up here,” Jim said with a snort. “Which I mean, I won’t lie, I’ve done what you just did to other people. It’s weird being on the opposite end now.”

Bones flushed, coughing and turning his face to the side. “I’m sorry. That was unprofessional.”

“Since when do you care about that?” Jim said.

“Since always because we were given a lecture that scared me in medical school about sexually harassing patients,” Bones answered. “I’m not here for going to Mast.”

Jim shrugged. “Considering we had breakfast together, and I was a dude, and it’s been five hours, and now I’m _not_ a dude, I think you’re entitled to some staring. Just don’t get too fresh, I guess.”

“Well, I was going motor board them, but now that you’ve said that...” Bones said with a smirk.

“Shut up,” Jim countered. “Get me a different doctor if that’s your attitude.”

“Since when have I ever done anything remotely like that?” Bones said with a roll of his eyes.

“I wouldn’t know, you’ve never fucked me,” Jim said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

Her hand?

Should he (she) even bother changing pronouns?

The words _you’ve never fucked me_ didn’t quite make Bones’ back stiffen so much as his posture shifted in an odd way and a brief emotion Jim couldn’t name flickered across his face. “Regardless, I’m not in the habit of doing things like that unless they’ve been requested.”

Jim nodded. “Enthusiastic consent is important and makes things more fun.”

“Yup,” Bones said. He took a few steps back, eyeing Jim from head to toe. In response, Jim leaned back on his hands and alternated kicking his legs out one at a time. While Jim had been all torso as a man, he was apparently all leg as a woman. Which meant he might have been able to still wear his jeans with a belt.

Jim sighed. “I hate shopping, and I now have to buy all new everything.”

“Buy it online and ship it to a starbase,” Bones said with a shrug.

“I need stuff now, though,” Jim said. “Sure I can get a new pair of regulation boots, but what about running shoes to work out in? Or things to wear in my off time? All I have is my other clothing. And do I get the dress or the pants? I’m leaning to the pants because I’m not sure I can handle the dress yet. Plus Gaila says she’s often cold.”

“You wear whatever you feel is right,” Bones said. He started to stare again, this time focusing on Jim’s face.

“You’re stuck on all the differences aren’t you?” Jim said.

“Both them and the similarities, actually,” Bones answered. “Nothing about your eyes or mouth have changed. Nose is more delicate, cheekbones a bit higher and sharper. Your lashes are longer.”

“You’re looking at my eyelashes?” Jim blinked.

“They’re...hard not to notice,” Bones said. “Jocelyn would kill you for them. She always complained about hers.”

“Huh,” Jim said. “Do you have a mirror?”

“Hang on,” Bones said as he went to a cabinet in the room. He pulled out a hand mirror, passing it to Jim.

Jim held it up to his face, staring at himself. He couldn’t decide if the haircut worked, or if his eyes and his mouth were both so big they were fighting each other for dominance. The nose wasn’t bad, gently sloped and delicate. The cheekbones seemed okay enough, and yeah, Bones was right, his eyelashes were really thick and noticeable.

“I’m kind of funny looking like this, aren’t I?” Jim said. “I’m definitely not classically pretty. I’m not even sure I can say I’m cute...”

“You’re beautiful,” Bones said, almost so quiet that Jim missed it.

Jim lowered the mirror to see Bones staring at him with reverence. “What?”

Bones blushed, and Jim decided it suited him. “I just mean you’re...well. I guess we’ll leave it at you being my type.”

“Leggy blondes with weird faces are your type?” Jim asked as he brought the mirror back up. “I guess I should take my measurements. I’ll need to borrow clothes and get new uniforms. I wonder if I can wear Nyota’s clothing...”

“Ask the quartermaster to do it,” Bones said. He sounded more like himself, though still Jim felt a bit warm at the thought of being his type.

If nothing else, it was nice knowing someone could find him attractive like this.

“We should do a physical on you to make sure this hasn’t screwed up your organs,” Bones said. “And a...an exam.”

“A physical is an exam,” Jim said. He hadn’t stopped staring at himself.

“No I mean...a gynecological exam,” Bones said.

Now Jim lowered the mirror. “What?”

“A pelvic exam at least, but a pap test wouldn’t be a bad idea either,” Bones clarified. “Who knows what this transformation’s done to you? I’d like to make sure you’re not riddled with cysts or tumors.”

Jim went pale. “On a scale of one to prostate exam...”

“I don’t know a single woman who likes them,” Bones answered. “I only know two who don’t mind them, and one of those two is Christine.”

Jim clutched the mirror so hard his knuckles turned white. “I don’t want to do it.”

“I think we’d be safer if we did,” Bones said. “I don’t have to be the one to give it to you. Christine is also a midwife; she can give it. She does Nyota and Gaila’s.”

Jim continued to grip the mirror. “Okay. You can do everything but that. She can do that part. But I’m not thrilled with this at all.”

Bones walked over and placed a hand on Jim’s shoulder. Jim felt the heat of Bones’ hand where he touched him through the scrub fabric. “That’s fine. Is now good for you? Or do you want a few hours to get settled?”

Putting the mirror down, Jim shrugged. “May as well get it over with.”

“Okay. I’ll go get my tricorder and tell Christine, so she can get ready,” Bones said. “Be right back.”

Jim sighed, one that permeated the entire room. “Fine.”

Bones walked out the door, coming back in a few moments with his equipment. He turned the tricorder on, running the scans over Jim’s body. Jim sat still as he let Bones work.

“This is amazing,” Bones said. “All of your medical history is the same as it ever was. Even your old injuries. The only thing different is your sex.”

“It’s just a gender swap,” Jim said as he leaned back for the second time on his hands.

“Sex swap,” Bones corrected. “Sex is the biology, gender is what you identify as.”

“Oh right,” Jim said as Bones came closer. Jim tilted his head up as Bones touched his neck, checking his lymph nodes. His hands were nice and warm, and Jim focused on looking at Bones’ eyes. This up close, he could see all the different colors, the golds, browns, and greens all combined together.

“I’ve always thought your eyes are hazel,” Jim said out loud.

“Hm?” Bones said as he stepped back, making a note on Jim’s chart. “Your lymph nodes are a bit swollen, but given what just happened to you that may or may not be normal. We’ll do a check up tomorrow and see if they’ve gone down any.”

Jim nodded, wondering why it bothered him that Bones ignored what he said. Bones picked up a penlight. He shined it in Jim’s eyes. “Look right at me.”

Jim did, fighting the urge to blink as Bones checked both his eyes with the light.

“Look to my left,” Bones instructed. Jim did. “To my right.” Jim did. Bones turned off the light, pocketing it. “Your eyes are fine, dilating like they should. Geoff didn’t say anything about a head injury, I don’t think.”

“No, nothing like that happened,” Jim said. “I got too close to a slippery edge and fell in. When I emerged, I was this. I did swallow some of the water, though.”

Bones rummaged through the cabinet, grabbing a butterfly needle and two test tubes. Jim sighed, because he knew what that meant. He held out his right arm and made a fist as Bones tied a tourniquet around his biceps just above the elbow.

Bones unwrapped the needle and attached the tubing to a vial. He looked at Jim with an apologetic smile. “Hang on, this will sting for a second.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jim said. Bones pricked him with the needle, taking the blood. Two vials later, and Bones closed them, labeled them, and removed the needle from Jim’s arm. He grabbed a cotton ball and some tape, covering the wound.

“When it stops bleeding, I’ll run the regen,” Bones explained.

“No worries,” Jim said. “It can even heal naturally. It’s just a tiny little pinprick.”

“I don’t mind,” Bones said. “Be right back, I’m going to take these to phlebotomy, have them test you for parasites and such.”

“Barf,” Jim said.

“Yeah, but better we know now then you come in here ill in a few days,” Bones replied.

“I know but...barf,” Jim said.

Bones snorted. “I’ll be right back. Probably with Christine.”

Jim nodded. “No problem.” He picked up the mirror again, giving his features another look. He’d known he was a handsome man, but now that he was a woman, he felt like he was odd looking. His eyes were so big, and so was his mouth. Maybe he could say he was interesting looking, though that usually meant unattractive. His face needed something, though, for him to feel pretty.

Maybe make up, he supposed. He could consult with Nyota and Gaila, though he wasn’t sure anything that looked good on Gaila would work on him. Then again, the same was probably true with Nyota. Maybe he should go to Carol on this one; she and Christine were both pale blondes, and Christine had blue eyes like he did.

But then again, maybe this wasn’t even permanent. Maybe it’d wear off when he took a shower.

Yeah, taking a shower could fix it. Or maybe Bones could cure it with a little help from Spock.

It was possible, wasn’t it?

There was a knock on the door before it slid open. Christine came in carrying some implements on a tray, including a sanitary napkin, something that looked like a plastic duckbill, and a packet of lube. “Hello, Captain,” she said with a gentle smile. “Leonard told me the basics. How are you feeling?”

Jim sighed. “Fine. Normalish. The usual I guess.”

Christine nodded. “Well, I promise I will make this as painless as possible.” She set the tray on a nearby table before grabbing an open-front gown from the same cabinet Bones got the mirror from. “Put this on, I’ll be back in a few minutes. Leave it open in the front.”

Biting his bottom lip, Jim clutched it close to his chest. “Okay.”

She smiled again as she left the room. Jim stripped out of the scrubs, pausing to look down at himself. His breasts were kind of disappointing; they were on the small side, he felt, and it bothered him. He didn’t have much in the way of hips either. He turned his upper body so he could look down at his ass; it seemed nice enough, not too big but not that small either. The water hadn’t resulted in any change in the body hair he possessed; he lifted an underarm and saw it there, and down in his crotch there was a thick thatch of dark blonde hair. His legs were hairy, too.

Did this mean he had to start shaving all these things?

Jim shook his head and sighed again, putting the gown on open in front like she instructed. Then he sat back on the edge of the table. Another knock sounded, and Christine stepped back in.

She took a long look at him again. “I have to admit, if I had to picture you as a woman, this isn’t what I would have come up with.”

“Is that good or bad?” Jim said.

“Not really either,” Christine admitted. “You’re quite pretty, but your features were very masculine before. It’s interesting they translated so well to a female form.”

“Bones called me beautiful,” Jim said. “I don’t see it. I think I’m weird looking.”

Christine’s smile softened. “He wouldn’t say it unless he meant it. And you’re not weird looking. You’re striking.”

Jim sighed. “I don’t want to argue about it. I just can’t see myself as pretty like this right now. Maybe in a few days, but not right now.”

“Fair enough,” she said. “Lie back on the table.” She passed him a large folded up piece of white paper. “Put this over top your legs at your waist.

Jim did as instructed, feeling somewhat exposed. At least, he thought he felt exposed until she pulled out stirrups on either side of the table and gently put his feet in them with his legs spread. A beet red flush spread down his body.

“First, I’m going to do a breast exam,” Christine explained as she pulled on a pair of gloves. “The tricorder didn’t pick up any cancer, but we do them on top of the scans just in case.”

“Sure,” Jim said. Christine further parted the gown and, very gently, felt around both of Jim’s new breasts. He didn’t honestly know what she was looking for, but she stopped after a minute or so and pulled the gown closed.

“No lumps, which is a good thing,” she said. “But you do have fibrous breasts, Jim, so as long as you’re like this I’d suggest doing a monthly self-exam to be safe.”

Jim blanched. “I don’t know---“

“I’ll show you,” Christine said. “Now this is the part that sucks, okay? And I’m genuinely sorry you have to go through this.”

Jim stared up at the ceiling. “Okay.”

Christine opened one of the packets and coated her gloved fingers with some lubricant as well as the duckbill thing. “This is going to be a bit cold.”

“Okay,” Jim said, or tried to before he felt something pry him open. The word came out like a loud yelp as Jim squeezed his eyes closed out of reflex.

“Sorry,” Christine said a second time. She was looking at...something. “Your cervix looks good; it’s not inflamed or anything. Not a lot of discharge, and what there is looks perfectly normal.”

Jim yelped a second time as he felt her fingers go up. Jesus, women had to do this all the time? This was beyond a prostate exam for sure. He felt Christine’s hand pushing up on his...cervix he guessed. She did this for a little while before withdrawing her hand.

“Okay, that’s done,” she said. “Your insides feel just fine. I’m going to do a pap test just to play it safe. You’re going to feel a slight pinch from this.”

Jim squeezed his eyes closed even further, and he felt a sharp kind of nip as she did whatever it was she was doing. It caused him to inhale with a loud noise.

“Okay, you’re all done,” she said. She lowered the stirrups, letting his legs rest back on the exam table.

Jim sat up, clutching his robe closed. “I never want to do this again,” Jim said. “This was terrible.”

“Well unless we can change you back, you’re stuck having one every year from now on,” Christine said. “But I have good news for you, and that’s you don’t have a hymen.”

Jim raised his gaze. “I’m twenty-eight. Why would I have one?”

“I don’t know, but we don’t understand what that water did to you,” Christine said. “There’s no guarantee it wouldn’t have given you one of those.”

“Fair enough,” Jim said as he grabbed his scrubs. Christine handed him the pad. “What’s this for?”

“You may spot a little from the pap test,” Christine said. “It’s just in case.”

Jim’s eyes went wide, and when he spoke, his voice came out shrill. “That test gave me a period?”

“No,” Christine said. “But I took some cells from your cervix just now, hence the pinch. So there might be some light spotting today from that.”

“Oh,” Jim said. He held the pad up to his face, trying to figure it out.

Christine smiled. “You take the paper off the back, and there’s adhesive there. Then you put it adhesive down in the crotch of your pants.”

“Okay,” Jim said. He followed her directions, placing it where she suggested. Christine smiled one more time before excusing herself, leaving him alone. He pulled on the scrub pants, adjusting them to make sure the pad was centered, and then put on his top. He looked down at himself again in the clothing.

Another knock sounded on the door, and this time Bones came in. “Your blood is clear of any parasites or microbes,” he said. “But keep an eye out for any symptoms in the next week or so. Increased appetite but losing weight, that sort of thing.”

“I don’t know what I weigh right now,” Jim said. “But I’m pretty skinny, aren’t I?”

“You were skinny as a man,” Bones reminded him. “You probably aren’t over 64 kilograms like this.”

“Maybe not,” Jim said. “We have a scale in here, right?”

“In the corner,” Bones said. “Subtract a bit for the clothing.”

“Sure, sure,” Jim said as he stepped on the scale. Belatedly, he realized he didn’t know his height anymore. Jim stood on the scale and watched the digital read out. When it finished, it read 62.53 kilograms.

“Sixty-two and a half,” Jim said. “Just short of 140 lbs.”

Bones came up beside him, and Jim realized that standing he had to look up to meet his gaze, though not by much. The top of his head looked like it came to the middle of Bones’ forehead. Jim stepped right in front of Bones, almost so close their noses were touching.

Bones went a bit cross-eyed as a result.

“How tall do you think I am like this?” Jim asked. “I think we’re only the same height now if I stand on my tip-toes.”

“I’m a bit over 185 centimeters,” Bones said.

“So was I, we were of height to each other,” Jim said. “But now, I’m what? 176?”

“More like 178,” Bones estimated. “So five foot ten or thereabouts.”

“Cool,” Jim said. “I mean, I think it’s cool?”

“It won’t probably be too large of an adjustment,” Bones said. “You’re all leg, so you may be able to still wear some of your clothes. Not the suits, though. They’ll hang off your shoulders.”

“Shit,” Jim said. “I just bought that nice navy one.”

“You can probably have it tailored to fit you this way,” Bones said. “A woman in a tailored suit is pretty sexy.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Jim said. “I wonder what I’d look like in a dress.”

Bones’ eyes drifted down to Jim’s legs. He cleared his throat a few times before bringing them back up to his face. “Not bad.”

“You just called me beautiful,” Jim said with a snort. “And your reply to the thought of me in a dress is ‘not bad’?”

“There a lot of options, and I can’t decide on one specific type of dress to imagine,” Bones said. “But I think you’d look...nice.”

Jim frowned. “I guess I’ll have to try one on.” He took a step backwards from Bones, stumbling and almost taking a spill onto the floor. Before he could catch himself, Bones deftly moved so that he held Jim in his arms, stabilizing him.

Flushing, Jim clung to the back of Bones’ medical tunic to help get him steady. His head rested in the crook of Bones’ neck as he breathed, somewhat startled. After a few moments of this, he cleared his throat and pulled back. “Different center of gravity,” Jim said with a self-deprecating laugh.

“You’re fine,” Bones replied. “Just get used to moving like this, and you likely won’t have any more accidents.”

Jim nodded, fully leaving the circle of Bones’ arms – though, he didn’t really want to. “Good catch,” he said.

“Thank you,” Bones replied. “I have practice.”

“I bet,” Jim said. “I guess I better go.”

“Your pap test will be back tomorrow,” Bones said. “Though I’m sure you’re fine. You were clean last time I tested you for STIs.”

“Yeah,” Jim said. “Can gross water give someone a yeast infection?”

“Not likely,” Bones said. “But wearing wet clothes for too long can.”

“I changed right away,” Jim said as he straightened the hem of his shirt. “So good on me for that.” Something dawned on him. “Shit. I need a new bathing suit. On top of all the other things I need, a new fucking bathing suit?”

“You can get by with your old trunks and a dark colored top,” Bones said. “It’s not a big deal.”

“True,” Jim said. “Okay. That’s what I’ll do until I can figure out what kind of swimsuit I want. Or even what looks good.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” Bones said. He walked over to open the door. “I’ve got to say, I’m impressed. You’re handling this very well.”

“There’s no point in freaking out,” Jim said. “It is what it is. It’s only until it’s gone. Then I’ll be me again.”

“Speaking of, I’m going to work on analyzing your blood sample to see what exactly we’re dealing with and how we can make you a man again. Spock already said he’d help,” Bones said.

“Ah okay,” Jim said. “Sounds good. I’ll head back to my quarters.”

“See you for dinner?” Bones asked.

Jim smiled at him. “Sounds good to me! Officer’s Mess at 1900!”

“Perfect,” Bones said. “Enjoy the rest of your day.”

“See you,” Jim said as he exited the room, then the medical bay altogether. He took the closest turbo lift to his quarters, where he entered them and called out to turn the lights on. Jim bee-lined for his bathroom, where there was the over-the-counter mirror and the full length one on the back of his door. He turned on the lights in there and stripped out of the scrubs.

Then he closed the door and stared at himself in the full-length mirror.

His breasts still looked small, his hips still almost nonexistent. It looked like he had the same measurement around his ribcage as his hips, actually. And there was still hair all over his legs, groin, and underarms.

Jim didn’t recognize his own face.

He didn’t recognize his own face; everything about his appearance was different but the haircut and eye color. He didn’t look a thing like he should. Jim stumbled back from the mirror, reaching out a hand to the first thing he grabbed on the counter.

It was his after shave lotion.

Well, he wouldn’t need that anymore, would he?

Before he even registered it, he threw the container at the mirror. It didn’t do anything; it bounced off because it was soft plastic, and it rolled across the room onto the bathmat. Jim screamed for a second before he shoved his fist into the mirror, shattering it from the force of his blow.

Jim held his likely broken and bleeding hand to his chest before sliding down to the floor in a heap. The battered hand fell onto the mat, dripping blood onto the light blue material.

He sat there for a long time before a bell sounded at his front entrance. He didn’t move to answer it; he sat and stared at the remnants of the mirror. Dimly he was aware of his front door opening, right before Bones called out a quiet “Jim?”

Jim didn’t reply.

Bones must have noticed the light in the bathroom was on, because his head came around the door. The second he saw Jim on the floor he sprang into action, pushing the door all the way open and dropping to his knees in front of Jim, though he did so carefully as to not land on the shards of glass.

“Jim?” Bones said as he took the injured hand in both of his. “Jim, what happened?”

Jim stared straight ahead and through him. “I’m not fine,” was all the answer he gave.

Bones inspected the hand, first and foremost, because he was Bones, and that was how he was. “I don’t think it’s broken,” he said as he gently felt Jim’s knuckles. “You’d have bashed in my nose if it was. But it’s cut up to ribbons, and you’ll be bruised for a while without the dermal regen.”

That having been said, Bones lightly placed a hand under Jim’s chin. Jim still didn’t look at him, casting his eyes now instead to the floor.

“Did your reflection do this?” Bones asked as quietly as he would speak to a newborn foal.

“I don’t know,” Jim said. “I can’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t know my own face. That’s fucked, Bones. Why don’t I know my own God damn face?”

“I don’t have an answer for you yet,” Bones said. “But I likely will soon. I’ll fix this, Jim, even if I have to go without eating.” Bones looked off to the side, pain written on his face. “The sight of you this way...it’s not something I can stand.”

Jim shrugged, still not meeting his gaze. “I’m not in the mood to eat. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I want to be _me_ again.”

“Jim, you can’t hide in here forever,” Bones said. “We don’t know how long it’ll take to right this.”

“Stand me down, Bones,” Jim said. “Please stand me down. I can’t do this, I can’t think straight, I just---“

Bones massaged the backs of Jim’s knuckles as delicately as possible. “Do you really want that?”

“Yes,” Jim said, the tail end of the word coming out on a sob. His eyes burned hot with bitter tears.

“Okay,” Bones said. “Okay, I’ll stand you down. And I won’t let anyone come in here, aside from me. Will that make you feel better?”

“This going away will make me feel better,” Jim said as a tear spilled down his cheek. “I’m not going to be good until then.”

“Then okay,” Bones said. “You’re stood down.” He lifted Jim’s chin again, letting go of his hand to wipe the tears of his cheeks with his thumb. It was the tenderest thing Bones had ever done for him and, in spite of what was happening, it comforted Jim. Ignoring the drama of his transformation, he liked seeing this side of Bones. It almost made him forget everything else.

“You need to eat,” Bones said. “I’ll go get the dermal regen from my quarters, and I’ll have food beamed onto your table. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Jim nodded, suddenly realizing he was very naked in front of his best friend in a newly female body. He wrapped his arms over his chest, though he wasn’t sure why he felt compelled to do so. It wasn’t like Bones hadn’t seen him naked before.

It wasn’t really different now, was it?

Bones wiped another tear off Jim’s face before standing up. He grabbed Jim’s robe from where it’d been left on Jim’s bed and brought it to him. “Here.”

Jim took it, wrapping himself inside it and tying the belt. It was much looser than it had been that morning, and the sleeves were a few inches too long. Terrific. Jim had to fight to start from crying a second time.

“Hey don’t,” Bones said. He helped Jim stand. “You’ll get through this. We’ll fix this. Even if I have to forego everything else, I’ll fix this. I promise.”

Bones smiled at Jim one final time before stepping out of the bathroom and then the quarters. Alone, Jim sat staring at the mess he had made. He would need to get maintenance in to clean it up, but he didn’t want to see anyone else right then.

Bones was the only person he wanted to see him this way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's obviously not doing well. Can Bones make it better?

Jim sat alone at his table, still in nothing but his robe, as he drummed his good fingers on the wood surface. The door opened, and Jim glanced up to see it was Bones with his medical kit.

“Sorry it took me longer than I thought it would,” Bones said as he sat next to Jim’s bad hand. “I called in a few favors with Muriel to get dinner for us.”

“It’s fine,” Jim said as Bones took his now sluggishly bleeding hand. Bones ran the tricorder over it a few times. Satisfied, he grabbed the dermal regenerator.

“As I said before, it’s not broken,” Bones said. “But it’s shredded up pretty bad. This may take a while.”

Jim shrugged, looking away as the soothing whirr of the machine kicked on. Bones arranged his hand so it was flat against the table, knuckle side up. The machine did its work as Jim held his hand still. At that moment, transporter lights glowed on the middle of the table, leaving two trays with covered plates behind.

Bones lifted a cover and revealed a bacon cheeseburger with sautéed mushrooms and onions, ketchup, and mayonnaise. The second cover revealed another bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, raw onion, and brown mustard. Both burgers had fresh cut fries loaded with sea salt. Bones took the burger with the raw vegetables for himself, passing the other one to Jim.

In spite of himself, Jim smiled. “My favorite,” he said as the lights whirred again.

Two ice-cold beer bottles with glasses had also appeared. Bones opened both bottles, pouring one for Jim and passing it his way. Jim took a long sip. It was an IPA, the kind that Jim preferred.

Jim awkwardly grabbed his burger with his right hand, bringing it up to his mouth to take a bite. His burger was medium rare --the way he loved them-- and the cheese was sharp cheddar.

Bones got every detail perfect.

After swallowing, Jim offered Bones a genuine smile. “Thanks, Bones. This is very thoughtful.”

Bones flushed a bit, but his mouth was full so he didn’t answer right away. “The least I can do,” Bones said.

“Take the compliment,” Jim said in between bites. “I really appreciate this, okay? I needed this right now.”

“Fair enough,” Bones said. “You’re welcome.”

Jim smiled, about to say something more as the regen dinged, signaling it was done. Bones paused his eating to remove it, setting it across the table from them. They went back to their food, though Jim only got two thirds of the way done with his before he was too full to continue.

“I don’t get it,” Jim said. “I can put away a burger that size no problem.”

“You mean you could before you became smaller,” Bones said as he wiped his hands. “You likely can’t eat as much in this body, and if you’re full, don’t force yourself to try. You’ll make yourself sick or put on weight.”

“I probably can stand to gain some weight like this, I’m pretty tiny,” Jim said.

“You look great,” Bones said. “But if you think you’d be happier with a few more pounds, go for it.”

Jim took one final giant bite of his burger as if to spite his now-smaller stomach. The burger tasted amazing, he couldn’t even lie. It was a shame he couldn’t finish it. Jim pushed his plate to the middle of the table, lounging back in his chair with one leg propped over the arm.

Bones stared at him for so long Jim started to blush.

“What?”

“You can’t do things like that anymore without being inappropriate, I hope you realize,” Bones said. “Because if that robe rides up any higher, I’ll be basically giving you a second pelvic exam.”

Jim shot into a more appropriate sitting position, crossing his legs at the ankle and straightening the robe so he was covered. “Oh.”

“I mean, it’s fine when we’re alone, I suppose,” Bones continued. “But you probably shouldn’t sit like that in front of other people. Especially not any ambassadors or anyone like that.”

Jim nodded, his cheeks bright pink. “Noted.”

Bones sat back in his own chair, giving Jim the once over. “I think I’ve seen you blush more today than you have in all the years we’ve known each other combined.”

Snorting a little, Jim picked at the remnants of fries on his plate. “I’m kinda going through some stuff today, you know.”

“I wasn’t criticizing,” Bones said. “I was commenting. There was nothing critical behind my words.”

Jim pulled a really long fry into bite-sized pieces. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Bones said. “You’re allowed to feel raw right now. Everything you’re going through is valid.”

“Is that why you didn’t yell at me about punching the mirror? Because normally you’re all ‘violence isn’t the answer, Jim’ and ‘if you break your hand, I’m not patching it up because you’ll never learn’.”

“I don’t sound that condescending...do I?” Bones’ brows furrowed with concern, and a deep frown cemented the worry on his face.

“Yeah sometimes,” Jim said with a small smile. “But it’s okay. It’s part of why I like being around you so much. You’re like my Jiminy Cricket.”

A little of the gleam in Bones’ eyes faded. “Yeah. I know.”

Jim stared off to the side for a while. Thinking about Bones and how ultimately he was the most important thing in his life. Even beyond the _Enterprise_. It was a bit frightening to realize he depended upon another person so much, but he knew it was the truth.

“If I were to walk away tomorrow, from Starfleet and from everything, you’re the one I’d want with me,” was what Jim said instead, as he wasn’t sure how to express his realization to Bones.

Clearing his throat, Bones shook himself out of his stunned stupor. “You’d really want me to come with you? Me? Out of everyone you know?”

“Well yeah,” Jim said with a brighter smile. “Who else would I want? Spock?”

“You do have that grand destiny thing,” Bones said.

“Nah, it’s not happening,” Jim replied. “He’s got Nyota. And also, there’s a key component missing between Spock and I in this plane of existence.”

“What’s that?” Bones said as he took a sip of beer.

“Us actually getting along?” Jim said. “We understand each other now, and we’re not constantly at each other’s throats. But we really just don’t connect at all. We’ve tried, and we don’t mesh. I don’t know...it isn’t going to happen.” Jim gave Bones a long look. “You didn’t think I was going to ditch you, did you?”

“No,” Bones said.

Jim raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t, I swear,” Bones said. “I just...would have never guessed I’m that important to you. I know I matter, but I didn’t realize how much. That’s all.”

Smiling, Jim folded his hands in front of him. “I should have told you this ages ago. Not sure why I’m saying this now, but I am. I need you, Bones. Badly.”

His eyes having softened a great deal, Bones had a pleased flush on his face. “I need you, too.”

“Glorious, because you’re stuck with me for a while,” Jim said. “You’re the only one allowed to see me, remember? This means we’re going to be hanging out every night only the two of us.” Something dawned on Jim then, and he frowned. “What exactly are we going to do every night?”

“Talk,” Bones said. “Play games. Drink. I’ll bring you dinner, but have the rest of your meals beamed in.”

“That works,” Jim said. “I do have that entertainment console in here with all those movies, books, and video games. We can work our way through those.”

“Yeah,” Bones said. “I’ll check in periodically during the day, too, to make sure you don’t need anything. But if you do, I’ll come running. I’m going light on my other duties to make this my priority.”

“Oh you don’t have to do all that,” Jim said. “It’s bad enough you’re standing me down. Don’t stop seeing the crew for this.”

“I didn’t say that,” Bones said. “I mean, Geoff is handling the normal paperwork and inventory to free me up when we have no patients. And I plan on spending some of my rest days working on your...conundrum.”

Jim nodded. “As long as the ship’s covered.”

“Of course,” Bones said. “Though you do realize I have to work with Spock on this?”

Jim sighed. “I know.”

“And he should probably see exactly what he’s dealing with,” Bones continued. “Which means he may demand to see you, and I can’t really argue with that.”

Shrinking down in the chair, Jim continued to pick at the long-cold fries. “Try to talk him out of it. Nyota I think I’d be fine with, but Spock is going to look at me like I’m a lab specimen. I really don’t think I can take that right now.”

“You’re probably not wrong about that,” Bones said. “I’m just trying to prepare you for a possibility.”

“I know,” Jim said. “It sucks, is all.”

They both lapsed into silence, with Bones finishing his beer while Jim stared off into space. Jim pushed his plate as far away as his arm could reach so he wouldn’t keep picking at the fries, though they were more like hash at that point.

“So what do you want to do right now?” Jim asked.

Bones shrugged. “Watch a movie, probably. Mindless entertainment.”

“Sure,” Jim said. He tied the belt of the robe more snugly around him, getting up to pick out a film. Every room on the ship had an entertainment console loaded with millions of (Terran, Vulcan, and so on) media files. Jim scrolled through the Terran films looking for a light comedy.

“We can watch that movie about Mel Gibson turning into a woman inside his head,” Bones said, the strain in his voice showing he was trying not to laugh.

“Ha ha ha,” Jim said with an eye roll Bones couldn’t see. “You’re a riot.”

“I do what I can,” Bones said as he walked up behind him. Jim could feel the warmth of Bones’ body through his robe, but not in an unpleasant way.

It was really nice.

“How about ‘Clue’?” Jim asked. “It comes with all three endings.”

“Isn’t that a game?” Bones said as he got comfortable on the couch.

“It’s also a movie that’s pretty funny,” Jim said. “I watched it once as a kid. It’s very quotable.”

“Sure, let’s watch it,” Bones said.

“Okay,” Jim said as he queued it up. Then he sat on the couch next to Bones, curling himself up into a ball. At least he didn’t have a dick to get in the way of comfortable seated positions now, he mused.

It was the tiniest of tiny victories, but Jim was willing to take it.

The movie started then, and Jim lost himself in the comedy/murder mystery about Mister Body and the people he blackmailed. He and Bones laughed at all of the appropriate parts, and for the first time since the change happened, Jim felt fine. Not deliriously happy or excited, but fine.

It’d have to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim needs to talk, and Bones has a surprise.

Jim woke up the next morning somewhat disoriented. He sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with the back of a hand, and yawned a few times.

Then Jim opened his eyes and looked at his hand. Smaller than it should have been, thinner fingers, and it hit Jim in full force.

“Shit,” he said as he flopped onto his back. One of his hands moved to his right breast, and he touched it for a second. “Shit,” Jim said a second time.

He was still a woman.

The sound of the transporter could be heard out in his living area, and Jim remembered that it was for breakfast. Grumbling under his breath, Jim threw off the covers and stalked to his table in the now-baggy sweatpants and t-shirt. Sure enough, there was a covered plate on his table.

Jim opened it to reveal a waffle with sausage. Syrup and butter had been provided, and Jim sighed. He got a cup of coffee from his replicator, and sat, grudgingly eating breakfast. This time he managed to finish all of it, minus half a sausage link.

Jim sat with the coffee, staring down into it. It was really quite a big bit of bullshit that this happened to him. He had half a mind to go yell at Bones into fixing him right that second, but he needed Bones to be on his side.

And honestly, Jim hated yelling at Bones. It was his least favorite thing to do in the world, and that included the “yes I violated the Prime Directive --- and I’d DO IT AGAIN” paperwork.

Jim took a small sip of coffee, wincing at the fact that it was cold. He liked iced coffee, and he liked hot coffee, but give him hot coffee that had since cooled, and he had a rough time drinking it. Oh well, he wasn’t too proud to drink it anyways. He gulped it down, needing the caffeine buzz more than anything.

Then he took a shower, noting that he only needed as much shampoo and conditioner as he had before. Which was nice, he guessed. He didn’t really care much, though, because he didn’t frankly want to get accustomed to being a woman. The thought of living this way forever made little nauseous knots form in his stomach.

He almost shattered a second mirror, but then decided against it.

Jim dried himself off then stalked back into his bedroom, pulling on an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts that were now far too baggy for his waist. He frowned, looking at himself in the mirror for a while. He looked sloppy and gross, like a tomboy that was trying too hard to appear unattractive.

Jim growled, flopping back onto his bed. He lay on his side in the dark, staring off into space. Eventually the staring turned into a several hour sort of Angry Nap and Jim woke up shortly before dinnertime. Jim grumbled, sitting up with a frown as he realized he skipped lunch.

“This is all so fucking idiotic,” Jim said. He stepped out into his living area, seeing a brown bag had been beamed onto his table. Jim opened it; ham and cheese on rye with an apple. He set it to the side, because Bones would arrive any second with more food.

Without another word, Jim went back to his bed and lay down. He lay on his side facing the wall this time, though no Angry Nap came. He did hear his door open right on time for it to be Bones.

“Jim?” Bones called.

“’M back here.”

Bones entered his bedroom, but Jim couldn’t see him. That would have required rolling over, something Jim just wasn’t going to do.

Feeling it and hearing it instead of seeing it, Bones sat on the edge of the bed. “On a scale of one to ten...”

“Twenty nine,” Jim said.

“You don’t know what I was going to say.”

“’How miserable are you?’ Or ‘how angry?’ Or ‘how devastated?’” Jim said with a sigh.

“Okay, so you do know what I was going to ask,” Bones said. “It was miserable, to clarify.”

“I am nothing more than a giant pile of miserable,” Jim said. “What if this can’t be reversed? What if I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life?”

“There are worse fates,” Bones said. “You could be paralyzed. You could be mentally ill.”

“Modern medicine has ways around those things,” Jim said. “How do we know medicine can cure this? You said it yourself, the change happened down to my chromosomes. What if trying to fix me kills me?”

“I won’t let that happen,” Bones said. “There’s no way I’ll let that happen.”

“I know,” Jim said. “But facts are facts. I’m stuck like this, maybe for good.”

“Is it really the end of the world?” Bones asked. “Being a woman can’t be that bad.”

“It’s not that I’m a woman, it’s that everything I physically knew about myself has been taken away from me,” Jim said as he rolled over to face Bones’ back. “I have no idea about how to work out now. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I can’t even figure out how to lie comfortably. I don’t know my own body anymore.”

Jim looked up at the back of Bones’ head. Bones had sat somewhat stiffly, his hands gripping the edge of Jim’s mattress.

“Lie down, Bones.”

Bones’ shoulders stiffened more.

Jim sighed. “Oh my God, just lie down. Stop being so tense. I’m the one with the huge gaping problem, not you. Lie down.”

Bones sighed before taking off his boots. He then rolled onto his side facing Jim. He was still stiff as a board, as if he didn’t want to be around Jim at all.

“What is your deal?” Jim said. “We’re just on a bed together.”

Bones sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Has it occurred to you that I’m stressed about your situation too?”

“But you don’t have to be,” Jim said. “It’s my problem.”

“Until I fix you, it’s _our_ problem, Jim,” Bones said. “I have a lot riding on this too, you know. I spent all day waiting on analysis of your blood and other tests, and they all came back normal. Which means I have zero clue what triggered this change, and therefore have no way to know how to change you back. Fixing you is going to take a very long time without that information.”

Jim’s entire body deflated. “I really am trapped like this forever.”

“No, not forever,” Bones said. “But it’s not going to be an easy fix. I wish with all of my might I could say otherwise, but then I’d be lying to you. And I can’t lie to you, Jim, I’ve never been able to do that.”

Sighing, Jim closed his eyes and slid forward into Bones’ arms. He tucked his head under his chin, inhaling once. It took a minute for Bones to embrace him back.

“What---“

“I need a hug,” Jim said. “You give great hugs.”

It was true, Bones was an excellent hugger. But something about this one was different. Jim felt his cheeks go hot as he lay in Bones’ arms, wanting it to go on forever. It startled him so much he backed away after a minute, rolling back onto his other side so Bones wouldn’t see the fierce blush staining his cheeks.

“Sorry,” Jim said after a while. “I’m good now.”

Bones didn’t answer, but Jim heard him shift a few times. They both lay on the bed in silence.

Jim finally started chuckling. “Everything is so awkward. I’m still me but it’s...everything is so fucking awkward.”

Again Bones didn’t answer, but Jim sighed. Why would a hug make him feel this way? It wasn’t anything special...just because they had hugged on his bed? It was Bones; they hugged all the time.

Clearing his throat, Bones said, “I brought dinner. It’s fried chicken, greens, and mac and cheese.”

“That sounds okay,” Jim said.

“...It’s Gramma’s fried chicken and mac and cheese,” Bones said.

Jim’s eyes flew open. He rolled back to face Bones. “You cooked for me?”

“Don’t ask me what I had to do in order to get permission to use the kitchen,” Bones said. “But yes. I cooked.”

“If you signed away your life or soul to Muriel, I’m not really okay with that as a trade off,” Jim said.

“It’s more like I had to let her have all the leftovers,” Bones said with a shrug. “She kept calling me legit.”

“Well, you are,” Jim said.

“I am,” Bones admitted. “Come on. Eat before it gets cold.”

Bones stood, holding out a hand to Jim. It took Jim a second to get what he wanted, and then he put his hand in his. Bones pulled him up off the bed, almost but not quite into his own personal space, and Jim’s hand tingled where they touched. Willing his face not to go red again, Jim shoved past Bones out to where the food was. On his table were two plates each with a whole quarter chicken, a heaping pile of mac and cheese, and collard greens. Jim forgot about the weird feelings regarding Bones and dug in.

“I don’t care if it kills me, I will finish this entire meal,” Jim said with a flourish of the drumstick.

“There’s beer too,” Bones said.

Jim also didn’t care about that; he was way too busy with the chicken. It was perfectly fried and crispy, super moist and tender. Bones didn’t cook often, but when he did he was a genius.

“Where’d you get these skills anyhow? Weren’t you married?” Jim said with his mouth full of dark meat.

Bones rolled his eyes. “That’s a really antiquated way to look at a man and a woman being married.”

Jim froze. “I just meant...I mean...” He swallowed. “There is no way for me out of this short of admitting I was just a sexist douche.”

“Not really,” Bones said in between bites of his chicken breast. “In answer to your question, there was an equal division of labor in my household. That meant Daddy and Momma took turns making meals. That also meant that when I got to be old enough, I had chores in the kitchen. And honestly, cooking is a lot like science in some ways. Except baking. Baking can rot in hell.”

“That’s a strong statement,” Jim said around a mouthful of chicken.

“It can, though,” Bones said. “Cooking, you can experiment. Baking, the slightest error and everything is wrecked. It’s not worth the hassle. I’ll just buy a pie for Thanksgiving and be done with it.”

Jim snorted. He was also almost full, but Bones’ grandmother’s fried chicken wasn’t to be missed or turned away. Jim remembered the first time Bones made it for him at the Academy; it was to celebrate the end of final exams, and Jim had stuffed himself to the gills. He even ate more of it for breakfast the next morning.

Hot or cold, the fried chicken was amazing.

Maybe if he kept getting dinners like this, his situation wasn’t so bad. Well okay. It was still bad.

But having Bones around made it bearable.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyota helps Jim with a difficult quandary, and Jim starts to notice something about Bones.

The next day and in an old pair of sweatpants and a sleeveless white undershirt, Jim lay on his back with his knees bent as he listened to some old music. Not his usual loud thrashing fare, but melodic pieces that were quiet and melancholy.

Being a woman was a hard adjustment.

Walking felt different. He couldn’t move as much weight with his upper body. Jim sighed and rolled over onto his stomach, wincing as the action flattened his breasts. He sighed again.

“Great,” he muttered. “I can’t even do that anymore.”

He rolled onto his side, staring across the room at his closet door. Realizing he needed to do something about his clothing choices, he grabbed his PADD and pulled up the first website that sold women’s clothing.

Then he realized he had no idea what size he wore. Or what would look good on him.

“Shit,” he said as he tossed the PADD next to him on the bed. He grabbed his communicator, flipping it open to call Nyota. Tuesdays were her rest day, so he hoped she was available.

_Lieutenant Uhura speaking,_ came her musical voice.

“It’s me, Jim,” he replied.

There was a pause. _Are you all right? You sound different. ___

__Word must not have gotten around. “Something happened during the last mission. It’s easier to explain if you come here and see it. And also I need your help. And a measuring tape.”_ _

__Another silence._ _

__“Please?”_ _

_I wasn’t going to say no, Jim, but you’ve caught me a bit off guard. I’ll be at your quarters in less than ten minutes. Uhura out._

__Realizing he must have sounded a bit desperate for her to drop everything like that, Jim put the communicator on his nightstand. He walked into his bathroom, taking in his appearance when he realized he could see his nipples through the shirt. Jim sighed, realizing it mattered now when it didn’t before, and stepped back into his bedroom to pull on a black t-shirt. Just in time, as his door chime sounded. He let her in via the button by the door._ _

__Nyota stepped in, taking a look at him. “Oh, I’m sorry. I can come back another---“_ _

__“It’s me,” Jim said. “I’m Jim.”_ _

__Nyota closed the door, her long ponytail swishing behind her back as she moved. She had on a pair of skinny jeans and a loose top the color of goldenrods with her feet in a pair of sensible flats. She had to look up about three inches at Jim this way, and she took a long stare._ _

__She took a step backwards and looked at him from head to toe, much like Bones had the first day. “Well,” she said. “You’re much lovelier than I’ve imagined.”_ _

__His brows furrowing, Jim frowned. “You’ve imagined me as a woman?’_ _

__“That first year at the Academy when I couldn’t stand you,” Nyota explained. “I thought perhaps if you were a woman, you’d be more...manageable. I always pictured long hair, but your face didn’t much change. It made you look...harsh. Your features like this are actually rather delicate. As I said, you’re lovely.”_ _

__“I don’t feel lovely; I feel gangly, awkward, and odd-looking,” Jim said as he perched on the arm of his couch._ _

__“Well, you’re not,” she said as she sat next to him. “But I understand why you said this was difficult to explain. I likely wouldn’t have believed it until I saw you myself.”_ _

__“Bones kept staring at first,” Jim said, tucking one leg up under him. “He also told me I’m beautiful like this.”_ _

__Nyota didn’t seem to outwardly react to this comment, aside from a small smile. “I bet he did.”_ _

__“Anyways, I need your help,” Jim said, getting back to the subject at hand. “Clothing. I don’t have any that works anymore, but I don’t know what will look good or what size or any of that. I don’t want to go to the quartermaster like this; I’d really rather not let anyone see me at all. You and Bones are the exceptions. So, will you help a bro...sister out?”_ _

__Nyota stood, grabbing a PADD and the measuring tape he asked her to bring. “Before we look at clothing, let’s get your measurements taken care of.”_ _

__They stood in unison, and Jim pulled off the bulky big t-shirt, crossing his arms over his chest to preserve some modesty._ _

__Nyota sighed. “Lift your arms.”_ _

__Jim did as instructed, and Nyota wrapped the measuring tape around the fullest part of his bust, gesturing for him to stand up straight. “Eighty-six centimeters,” she said. Then she repeated the motion directly underneath his bust. “Eighty-three centimeters. So you’re a 32-34A in bra sizing.”_ _

__Jim sighed. “I knew they were small.”_ _

__“Well, I’m the same size,” Nyota said. “There’s nothing wrong with it. A former boyfriend of mine pointed out on more than one occasion that anything ‘larger than a handful is a waste’. So don’t get down on yourself for that.”_ _

__“I guess,” Jim said._ _

__Nyota lowered the tape, wrapping it around the narrowest part of his torso. “Sixty centimeters.” She unwrapped the tape, lowering it about eight inches to the fullest part of his hips. “Eighty-nine centimeters. So in terms of clothing, you’re probably a size six. Your measurements are a little off for an hourglass figure, but they amount to 34-24-35.”_ _

__“Thanks,” Jim said._ _

__“Really with your height and proportions, you could be a model, Jim,” Nyota continued. “If you didn’t already have a career that lets you travel.”_ _

__“I really don’t think I’m attractive enough for that, but okay,” Jim said._ _

__“Now let’s figure out your shoe size,” Nyota said as she kicked off one of her flats. “I’m a 41.5 or a size eight US.”_ _

__She placed her foot next to Jim’s, which was significantly larger. “Hmm,” she said as she grabbed the measuring tape. She kneeled on the floor, holding the tape from his big toe to the back of his heel. “You’re a size ten,” she said. She then measured the width of his foot. “In between narrow and regular. So I’d size up to the regular because your feet swell at the end of the day.”_ _

__“I feel like that means they’re really big,” Jim said._ _

__Nyota stood, wrapping the tape up into a ball. “Not really. Five is small, twelve is large. You’re on the big end of average.”_ _

__“At least, I guess, something about me is big,” Jim said. He realized how sullen he sounded._ _

__“Well, you’re also very tall,” Nyota said. She grabbed a PADD off the table. “You keep sounding so disappointed about your appearance. That’s not like you.”_ _

__“It only just happened,” Jim said as they sat next to each other on the couch. “I still don’t even...when I look in the mirror, I don’t really see _me_ anymore. I’m still...I just can’t recognize myself.”_ _

__“I understand,” Nyota said. “At least, as best as I can. But it’s okay...I’m going to give you a crash course in my routine and how to shop, and you can pick and choose what parts of it you like and which parts you don’t. Carol, Christine, or Gaila may also be good to ask.”_ _

__“Is Gaila on duty today?” Jim asked. “I can’t recall offhand.”_ _

__“No, she’s off too. Would you like me to get her here?”_ _

__“In a minute,” Jim said. “Tell me about this routine first.”_ _

__“Okay,” Nyota said. “I do most of it at night. Before bed, I shower. Then after, I moisturize my whole body with shea butter. I steam my face using hot water in the sink, then I wash it with a gentle cleanser. I moisturize my face with safflower oil, adding a bit of coconut oil to it to emulsify. Then I put argan oil in my hair, blow drying it out straight.”_ _

__“That seems like a lot,” Jim said after a pause._ _

__“It sounds it, but it’s not that bad. It all only takes me an hour,” Nyota explained. “Then in the morning, I repeat the face washing. I put on my make up, which isn’t that involved. Winged eyeliner, nude lips, tinted moisturizer, filled in brows, and a bit of blush. I brush out my hair, pulling it up into my customary ponytail. Then I put on my clothes and go.”_ _

__“Make up looks hard,” Jim conceded. “Do I have to?”_ _

__“Not if you don’t want to,” Nyota said. “I do it because I like it, and Spock has said he likes it. Carol and Christine’s routines are a bit less involved, and they have similar coloring to you. I’d recommend products, but aside from the eyeliner what works on me won’t work for your coloring.”_ _

__Jim sighed. “I guess that makes sense.”_ _

__Nyota pulled up a website. “I’ve picked this store because they have everything, and they offer free returns. We’ll pick out a bunch of things, then narrow them down to a few just to get you started. The basics you need are a few bras; one should be nude, and one black. You need a few shirts, and you need two pairs of jeans. If you see a dress or a skirt you particularly like, may as well get that too. I’d recommend sticking to flats in the meanwhile until you can try someone else’s heels. Learning to walk in them isn’t necessarily easy.”_ _

__“Okay.” Jim said. He went to the jeans first. There were dozens upon dozens of options, and he had no idea where to start. Then he gave Nyota a long look. “The jeans you’re wearing...I like them. How about a pair of those?”_ _

__“Sure,” Nyota said._ _

__“Okay,” Jim said as he scrolled through the list of brands until he found a section that matched. He selected, and over ten pages of possibilities became one. He found a pair he liked, which were super dark wash and skinny like hers. He put them in the shopping bag after picking his size, which was apparently a 28 in that brand. “Why are the sizes so confusing? With men’s pants it’s just by your waist.”_ _

__“No one really knows,” Nyota said. “It’s just one of those things.”_ _

__He picked a second pair in a lighter blue wash with some distressing at the pockets and on the knees. Those were also added to the shopping bag. “Tops are next,” he said._ _

__“Yeah,” Nyota said as she looked over his shoulder. “Click on tees.”_ _

__Jim did as instructed, and the page came up with hundreds of t-shirts. He found some basic jersey tops in his size, getting them in black, white, and a royal blue color._ _

__The next part was the most dreaded._ _

__Jim’s finger hovered over the link for “Bras, Panties, and Lingerie.”_ _

__For seven minutes._ _

__“Oh for heaven’s sake,” Nyota said, grabbing the PADD from him. She clicked on it, bringing up more pages of options that Jim legitimately had no idea what to do with. She picked the link at the top right advertising something called “t-shirt bras” and there popped a page of about a hundred options._ _

__She then selected his size, narrowing it to even fewer options._ _

__Jim peered over her shoulder. “ _Eighty credits_? For a _bra_?”_ _

__“You just picked out two two-hundred-credit pairs of jeans,” Nyota said. “Am I wrong for assuming that money isn’t an object?”_ _

__“No, that’s...I just...” Jim sighed dejectedly. “I never knew how much they cost is all. What are you paying for? The lack of fabric?”_ _

__“Spoken like someone who’s never sewn anything in his life,” Nyota continued. “Here. I wear these. I can vouch that they’re high quality and comfortable. I’m putting a black one and a cafe colored one in your shopping bag.”_ _

__“Okay,” Jim said as Nyota moved on to panties. “Wait, why do I need those?”_ _

__“You just bought jeans. _Skinny_ jeans. Do you really want to not wear underwear? Because I can tell you right now, your normal man-underwear won’t work under those.”_ _

__“Shit,” Jim said. “But I like my boxer-briefs.”_ _

__“You can still wear them when you change back,” Nyota said in a reassuring tone. “Here are your choices. You may want to pick one you liked seeing on a woman you’ve been with.”_ _

__“I liked it when they wore the ones that look like hot pants or when they wore thongs, but I feel like a thong is going too far,” Jim said._ _

__“Not necessarily,” Nyota said. “The ones I wear are extremely comfortable.”_ _

__Unable to help it, Jim grinned. “And now I know what kind of underwear you wear!”_ _

__“Shut up or I’ll leave,” Nyota said with a laugh. She added a five pack of low rise thongs to the shopping bag. Then she added a five pack of boyshorts, which were Jim’s hot pants. Both were in the classic colors, nothing too out there or crazy for him to deal with._ _

__Nyota then moved on to the shoes. She went to select athletic shoes when something on the front page caught Jim’s eye. “Wait, go back.”_ _

__She did as instructed, and Jim’s eyes focused on a pair of high-heeled ankle boots. “Those are cool.”_ _

__Nyota gave him a funny look._ _

__“What? I like it when women wear heels. So I should logically like myself in them, right?”_ _

__“Have you ever walked in them? Aside from during childhood in your mother’s clothing,” Nyota said._ _

__“No, but is it that hard? My balance, contrary to what Bones insists, isn’t that bad,” Jim said with a huff._ _

__“I mean from a comfort standpoint. They’re generally not very comfortable,” Nyota clarified._ _

__“Neither are our regulation boots at first,” Jim said. “Whatever. I’m buying them.”_ _

__“Get something sensible too,” Nyota said. “Or you’ll hate yourself.”_ _

__Jim picked out a pair of Converse low tops in black along with a pair of red flats with little rock studs around them. He added them to the bag. “You know, you ladies really have a lot more options. For us dudes it’s basically black, brown, or trainers.”_ _

__“You can experiment more once you get the things you’re ordering today,” Nyota said._ _

__“Can I look at dresses? I feel like I should look at dresses,” Jim said. He clicked on it without waiting for her answer, and then stared blankly at his options. “I...have no idea what would look good on me.”_ _

__“Can’t go wrong with an LBD,” Nyota said with a shrug._ _

__“I don’t know what that is,” Jim replied._ _

__“Little Black Dress,” Nyota said._ _

__“Ah,” Jim said. Luckily, the site had a link for that. Then he narrowed it by price and his size._ _

__Nyota looked Jim up and down. “You’ve got the legs to pull off a miniskirt, but a maxi skirt would look nice on you as well because you’re so tall.”_ _

__“What does bodycon mean?” Jim asked as he scrolled down the page._ _

__“It leaves nothing to the imagination, basically,” Nyota said. “They hug your curves.”_ _

__“I don’t have any curves,” Jim pointed out as he picked a silk scoop-neck slipdress. He put it in his bag before adding a dress that graduated from a royal blue to a pale almost white blue. It was a maxi dress according to the site._ _

__Nyota looked at the last choice. “That will look amazing with your coloring.”_ _

__“Thanks,” he said with a slight flush._ _

__“You’ll need shoes, though,” she continued. “I’d get a metallic sandal. _Flat_ metallic sandals.”_ _

__“Why not white or blue?” Jim said as he followed her instructions._ _

__“It’s too matchy-matchy,” Nyota explained. “Trust me.”_ _

__“I do, which is why you’re the only one allowed to see me besides Bones,” Jim said as he picked a pair of flat gold sandals with studs similar to his red flats. He added them to the bag after heeding the instructions to go up a whole size as they ran small._ _

__“That’s sweet,” Nyota said. “Is he coming by so you’re not left all alone?”_ _

__“Yeah, we’ve spent most of the last few nights together, until he had to head to bed to be up for work today,” Jim said with a smile. “He keeps doing all these nice things for me, like getting my favorite dinners and drinks.”_ _

__“That’s very considerate of him,” Nyota said. “He’s a good man.”_ _

__“The best,” Jim said with a grin. “He’s amazing.”_ _

__Nyota nodded as Jim went back to the women’s clothing to see if there was anything else he should get while he was looking. He found a silk blouse he liked; it came in four colors, so he picked the blue and the white. It was the most money he’d spent in a while, but it was worth it._ _

__Jim entered his credit chit information, and chose to have the merchandise sent to Starbase 15, where the crew would arrive in about a week. The expedited shipping was reasonably priced, and Jim figured he could deal for a week with his normal clothing. No one else was going to see him anyways._ _

__After the order went through, and Jim received the confirmation email, he gave his full attention back to his friend. Nyota had the look on her face that meant Jim was in for a world of pain._ _

__“What are you about to come at me for?” Jim said with a sigh._ _

__The expression on Nyota’s face smoothed out. “Nothing.”_ _

__“Bullshit,” Jim countered. “It’s never nothing when you get that sinister gleam in your eyes.”_ _

__“I was just thinking about Leonard,” Nyota said. “And how I don’t understand why Jocelyn left him or how he doesn’t date more.”_ _

__Jim had wondered the same once upon a time. He even used to ask or try to set Bones up, but every time would get gently rebuffed. “You’d have to ask him. I honestly don’t know. He won’t be honest with me about those things.”_ _

__“That’s almost a surprise but not quite,” Nyota said. “He seems very private about his personal life.”_ _

__“The private-est,” Jim said. “I try not to push.”_ _

__“No, of course,” Nyota agreed. “He deserves someone, is all I mean. Someone good for him who loves him openly the way he would love them.”_ _

__The thought of Bones finding a man or woman to settle down with did something to Jim. It should have made him happy, but instead the thought made him feel ill. It was a weird feeling he was unaccustomed to, and he didn’t quite know how to respond. “He deserves to be happy,” is what Jim finally said._ _

__“He does,” Nyota agreed. “I’m certain he would be very happy if the right person could see him for who he is.”_ _

__Jim’s hands clenched in his lap, the right one over the left, as he remembered Bones wiping the tears off his face the first night. Thinking about it, about Bones treating someone else that way, so gentle and tender, tore his stomach up in knots._ _

__But why? Why wouldn’t he want someone to love Bones and be loved by Bones?_ _

__Jim relaxed his hands, folding them into a soft shape almost like a heart. He realized Nyota was watching him, though to what end he couldn’t say. He felt like he was being tested somehow._ _

__“Sure,” Jim said. “He should be happy, like I said.”_ _

__Nyota continued to look at Jim for a while before her expression changed. She had decided to drop it, apparently, because next she pulled out her communicator to check the time. “I should get going,” she said. “It’s almost dinner time, and I need to get some things taken care of. Will you be okay by yourself?”_ _

__“Yeah, Bones should be here soon,” Jim said as he put back on the black t-shirt. “Thanks for coming, and for everything. I really appreciate all you’ve done for me today.”_ _

__“No problem, Jim,” Nyota said. “If you have any other questions, feel free to give me a call.”_ _

__“Sure thing,” Jim said as he waved. She left with a smile. Jim then stretched out on his couch, rolling up one pants leg to look at his legs. The hair felt soft, almost baby fine, but the look of it bothered Jim a great deal._ _

__He got up and went to the shower, turning the water onto hot. He grabbed his razor and shaving cream, stripped naked, and got under the spray. First he did his underarms, figuring it was easier to start with a small area._ _

__The hair came off well enough, and Jim rinsed his razor in between shaves. Then he looked down at his legs. He used a bunch of shaving cream to lather them up all the way to his hips, shaving them with long, slow strokes. Again, the hair came off easily, Jim rinsing it off the blade as he went. His left leg was done after a few minutes, and then Jim moved on to his right. He repeated the process until both legs were smooth to the touch._ _

__Then Jim looked at his groin. It was too long and thick for just a bladed razor. He'd have to start with the beard trimmer he'd held onto since the last time he went full Grizzly Adams, which had been before he'd even joined Starfleet. Jim hadn’t really understood why he kept it after all of that, but he couldn’t be bothered to care at the moment. Jim rinsed off, stepping out of the shower to pat himself dry._ _

__His reflection still startled him, but it didn’t make him lose his shit anymore. He opted instead to focus on the task at hand, grabbed the trimmer and shaving down his pubic hair until there was nothing but some stubble. Then Jim decided the rest could wait until the next time he showered._ _

__Remembering what his mom said when he learned to shave, that you needed to moisturize after, Jim grabbed his lotion and smoothed it along the entire length of his legs and over his groin. His legs were very smooth to the touch, and Jim couldn’t help but feel them up a little. He went back into his room, pulling on an old pair of flannel pajama pants and a Starfleet Academy t-shirt. He then reapplied his deodorant, just in case._ _

__He did this in the nick of time, as his door chime rang. Knowing it was Bones, Jim’s spirits lifted considerably as he ran to the door. He opened it, which was good as Bones was laden down with bags and drinks for their dinner._ _

__“Thanks,” Bones said as he entered. He bee-lined for Jim’s table, setting everything down on it as gracefully as he could muster. “It’s just sandwiches, fruit, and chips tonight. Beer again too.”_ _

__“It’s great,” Jim said with a grin. “I’m happy to eat whatever you bring me.”_ _

__Bones gave Jim a weird look before sitting at the table, and Jim suddenly felt awkward, like he was trying too hard._ _

__“I mean...it’ll do,” Jim said as he sat at the table. One bag had a J on it, so he opened it and poured its contents on the table. A roast beef and cheddar sandwich with mayo, a gala apple, and plain salted potato chips. Jim grinned at Bones. “Oh, my favorites again! Thanks!”_ _

__Bones, much more sedately, opened the bag with an L on it to show turkey and cheese with mustard, a Bartlett pear, and barbeque chips. The beer was more of that IPA from the first night._ _

__Jim took a big bite of his sandwich. “You’re spoiling me. When I finally go back out there, it’ll be all beefaroni and crap again.”_ _

__“Technically Muriel is the one doing the spoiling,” Bones said as he opened his bag of chips. “I told her you had to be quarantined, though I didn’t specify why, and she is doing this all on her own. You’re a good captain, Jim. It’s the least she can do.”_ _

__“Nothing is the least she can do,” Jim said around a mouthful of apple. “But point taken.”_ _

__“You should be proud of yourself,” Bones said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen loyalty such as the kind you inspire.”_ _

__Cheeks flushing with pleasure, Jim swallowed. “Thanks.”_ _

__“It’s the truth,” Bones said with a shrug._ _

__Jim continued to eat his sandwich. “Does this mean that I have _your_ loyalty, Bones?”_ _

__“You already know the answer to that,” Bones said. “Why else would I be here right now?”_ _

__Jim looked off to the side, thinking for a while. “It feels different with you.”_ _

__“What does?” Bones said after a sip of beer._ _

__“I don’t know how to explain it,” Jim said. “I just get the feeling things are different with you, in a way I can’t explain. Not bad or weird, just different.” A word struck him, causing him to look back at Bones. “Soft. You feel soft with me. Everyone else is hard, like ride-or-die-for-our-captain hard. But you’re gentle and kind, and you always seem to know what I need even without me telling you.”_ _

__For some reason, Bones was blushing. “Well, I can’t be blustery at everyone. Not all the time, I guess. And you have everyone else pushing back at you. I save it for special occasions now. That’s...all it is.”_ _

__Jim nodded. “Why don’t you date more, Bones?”_ _

__He said it just as Bones was swallowing, causing him to choke and cough. Jim stood to help him, but before he could move, Bones self-Heimliched and coughed up the piece of sandwich with a wet noise. Jim still moved to his side, rubbing down his back._ _

__“Sorry,” Jim said with a sheepish grin. “I should have waited until after you swallowed. I also didn’t realize how much this would startle you.”_ _

__“You’re fine,” Bones said once he regained his normal coloring._ _

__Jim continued to rub his back, noticing how strong it felt beneath his hands. He knew Bones stayed in shape thanks to Starfleet’s PFA standards, but right at that moment he was really appreciating how muscular Bones’ back was. A light flush formed high on his cheeks as he forced himself to step away._ _

__“So,” Jim said with a clear of his throat. “Dating. You don’t do it much. How come?”_ _

__Bones shrugged, but there was something about the look in his eyes that told Jim there would be more to whatever his answer was. “I just don’t.”_ _

__Jim stared at him for a while. “I don’t get it. You’re funny, good-hearted, and handsome. I bet if you were interested in someone you’d just have to snap your fingers, and they’d be yours.”_ _

__Bones had an awkward look on his face. “It’s not nearly that cut and dry. Trust me, there’s plenty of people who don’t give me even a first glance, let alone a second one.”_ _

__Jim gave Bones a long look, focusing on his eyes and mouth. His eyes lit up and sparkled. “You’re ridiculously good looking, now that I’m paying attention. Like...how have you not diagnosed yourself with too much handsome? You’re a stunner.”_ _

__Bones looked a bit floored by Jim’s words. “You find me attractive?”_ _

__Nodding, Jim bit back a smile. “I don’t know why I never realized it before, but yeah. You’re really something, Bones.” The knot of illness formed in his stomach again. “And you should...be with someone.”_ _

__Bones’ eyes were soft, lit by something Jim hadn’t seen before. “If the...” Bones said, his words suddenly faltering. “I mean. Maybe some day. If the right person is interested.”_ _

__“Well, what do you look for?” Jim said, still feeling sick. “Maybe there’s someone on this ship who will...fit with you.”_ _

__The light in Bones’ eyes seemed to dim. “Oh. You mean...you want to set me up with a crew member.”_ _

__Still not really comprehending why the thought made him so sick, Jim nodded. “It’s too bad Carol’s in lesbians with Christine. You seemed to be into her back during the mess with Khan.”_ _

__Bones looked dark, like all the light within him failed to ignite. “She’s great, but I’m not into her.”_ _

__Relief flooded Jim. “Oh, then I misread that. But regardless, there has to be someone you want on this ship. There’s over a thousand people here.”_ _

__“It doesn’t matter,” Bones said as he gathered up the detritus from his dinner, moving away from the table to put it in Jim’s recycler. His back was to Jim while he did this, and Jim watched him move, following the play of muscles in his back through his shirts. When he finished, he turned to Jim with a strained smile. “Maybe I should go.”_ _

__“What? Why?” Jim asked with a frown. “Wait, I didn’t offend you or something, did I? I didn’t mean to pry, Bones, I was just asking because you’re my best friend, and I want to see you happy. That’s all it was, I swear. Please don’t go.”_ _

__Bones looked at Jim for a while before sighing. “Fine. I won’t this time. But if this gets brought up again---“_ _

__“It won’t!” Jim said, standing from the table and crossing the room to Bones. He stood right in front of him, looking up the few inches into his eyes. “I promise, I’ll never go there again.” Jim wrung his hands in front of his waist, feeling very awkward and needy. He didn’t want Bones to leave; he wanted him to stay. He didn’t want him to feel like they couldn’t hang out._ _

__Bones sighed, closing both of his eyes and shaking his head a few times. “All right. What would you like to do?”_ _

__Jim put his hands on Bones’ shoulders. They were so small now, the knowledge causing him to stare at them for a while. “Watch a movie. Listen to music. Drink heavily. The usual.”_ _

__“Probably not a good idea to drink too heavily,” Bones said. “You weigh a lot less. Your tolerance isn’t going to be as high.”_ _

__“Meh,” Jim said with a shrug. “It’ll be fun to find out!”_ _

__Bones sighed again. “Whiskey, bourbon, more beer, or what?”_ _

__“Whiskey,” Jim said with a bright grin. “Let’s stick to a classic.”_ _

__“Sure,” Bones said, stepping away from Jim to his console cabinet where he stashed his booze. Bones brought out a two-thirds full bottle of Jack Daniels, then grabbed two glasses before going to sit on Jim's couch. Jim joined him, tucking his legs up underneath his body. Bones poured two fingers in each glass, passing one to Jim._ _

__Taking a long drink and letting the slow burn creep down his throat, Jim smiled. “Well, it doesn’t taste like it’s too much for me or too harsh or something. It still tastes as good as it did before. That’s a good thing, right?”_ _

__“Yeah,” Bones said. “Though so far your tastes haven’t really changed that much. I would have been surprised if this had changed.”_ _

__“You never know,” Jim said as he killed his drink. The alcohol sat warm in his belly, and he had a pleasant feeling in his head. Only two drinks, and he was happy. “I should drink another one.”_ _

__“Maybe you should slow down,” Bones said with a serious expression. “I don’t want you getting sick.”_ _

__“Nahhhhhh,” Jim said with a shrug. “I’m pretty good about stopping before I get shitcanned.”_ _

__“Normally, yes,” Bones said. “But we don’t know your new limits. So it would behoove you to slow up a bit.”_ _

__Jim pouted. “Spoilsport.”_ _

__Bones sighed. “Yup. That’s me. Doctor Leonard ‘No Fun’ McCoy.”_ _

__Jim shifted in his seat, opting to cross his legs yoga-style. He poured himself another glass of the whiskey, taking a long drink. “It’s pretty boss that I’m already tipsy. It means going out will be a lot cheaper if I’m in the mood to get wasted. And it means I won’t go through my stash as quickly.”_ _

__“There’s always a silver lining somewhere,” Bones said._ _

__“Nyota came over today,” Jim continued. “She helped me buy clothes and underwear. I had no idea what to look for or get, but she helped me. She’s the only person besides you I’d want to see me.”_ _

__“You’ll need to come out at some point, you know,” Bones chided with a gentle tone. “You can’t hide forever.”_ _

__“I know,” Jim said. “I just don’t...I don’t know how I feel about everyone knowing yet.”_ _

__“The longer you stay in here, the more people will talk,” Bones said. “And the away team saw you. My staff saw you. People are going to talk about this regardless of when you show yourself or not.”_ _

__“I know,” Jim said as he stared down at the whiskey in his glass. “I just can’t deal with it yet. Maybe in a few days, but for right now, I can’t.”_ _

__“I’m not trying to push you,” Bones said. “I---“_ _

__“You’re not being pushy,” Jim said, shifting position again so he knelt on the couch. He drained the rest of his whiskey, putting the empty glass on the table._ _

__He also felt really, really, _really_ good._ _

__Leaning forward on his hands, Jim sat on all fours, pinning Bones into the corner of the sofa. He swayed a bit back and forth. Jim wasn’t so wasted he was in denial of being drunk, but being drunk at all, and especially after only three drinks was something altogether different. It was highly unusual, but not unwelcome, and Jim realized he was emboldened a bit by the liquid courage._ _

__“You’re not being pushy,” Jim said as he practically got into Bones’ face. “You’re not pushy. You’re...Bonesey. Like nosy but not shitty. Like _better_.”_ _

__Bones blinked. “Thanks, I suppose. Also you’re already drunk.”_ _

__Jim giggled. “I know. It’s great. I haven’t been drunk in a long time. I never trust my surroundings on Shore Leave and being captain means if shit goes sideways, I have to be competent. Don’t want to crash the ship and get a Dewey.”_ _

__“What’s a Dewey?” Bones said._ _

__Jim leaned ever closer, because he wanted to see the changing colors of Bones’ eyes again. “You know. The DUI thing. A Dewey.”_ _

__“I think as long as Sulu isn’t drunk, we wouldn’t get one of those,” Bones said, not breaking eye contact. “And I’ve never in my life heard anyone pronounce that ‘Dewey’.”_ _

__“Yay I’m the first! I like being first,” Jim said as he pumped his left fist in the air. Then he toppled onto Bones’ lap. Giggling, Jim buried his face in Bones’ neck. “Sorry. ‘M clumsy.”_ _

__“It’s fine,” Bones said, though he sounded a bit shell-shocked._ _

__Jim tried to straighten up into a semblance of not puddle of Jim, pulling back to face Bones. Their eyes met, and Jim’s heart skipped three beats in his chest. At this distance he could smell Bones, and Bones smelled like bay rum, a bit of sweat, and musk. He smelled incredible, and Jim found himself transfixed by the look in his eyes. He leaned forward, licking his lips once, to press a kiss to Bones’ mouth._ _

__Only to meet air and fall over again._ _

__“Hey!” Jim exclaimed as he struggled to regain his balance._ _

__Bones helped move him back into a sitting position on the opposite side of the couch. The look on his face was equal parts serious and confusion; his eyes were in deep turmoil, but his mouth was a thin, flat line._ _

__“You’re drunk,” Bones said, his voice rough with something...was it sadness? “You’re drunk, and you...don’t really want this.”_ _

__But, Jim realized with a startling clarity...he did. He’d never wanted anything so badly in his life._ _

__“No wait, just because---“ Jim pleaded as he scooted back over to Bones’ side of the couch. “Let me, just once, I want---“_ _

__“I better go,” Bones said. He pushed Jim away with gentle hands and stood. “This...well, you’ll forget it in the morning. We’ll be fine.”_ _

__“No, I won’t,” Jim said. He didn’t understand at all what happened, and it was enough to make him instantly sober. “I want---“_ _

__“You don’t know what you want right now, Jim,” Bones said. The look on his face was Bones taking care of Jim, but his voice was an open wound. “The change made you confused, and then drinking...it’s fine. It’s nothing. I’ll go, and I’ll come back tomorrow, and we can act like this never happened.”_ _

__The rejection stung like nothing else Jim had ever felt. Bones didn’t want him at all? Wanted to forget it happened? The pain was unbearable._ _

__Bones walked to the door, pausing to hold it open. “It’ll be fine in the morning, Jim. Have a good night.”_ _

__Jim stared at him, sure that his crushed emotions were written plain as day on his face. “But...”_ _

__“Good night, Jim,” Bones said, not meeting his gaze. The door slid closed almost silently behind him._ _

__Jim wrapped his arms around himself, feeling like a kicked puppy. “But I really do want you,” he said to the empty room. “I really do.”_ _

__No reply came._ _


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaila and Jim have a heart to heart, and Jim does a little bit of experimentation.

Unable to sleep that night, Jim puttered around his quarters searching for something to do. He cleaned up dinner, reorganized his closet, and dusted. There were still four hours until his alarm once these things were complete, and he sat on the ground staring off into space.

After a half hour of this, he pulled up Spock’s duty roster. Gaila was on gamma that night, so she was up and working. Perfect. It was even more perfect than perfect because no one else would be up on the ship; he could sneak down to where she was without being seen.

Jim pulled on a bulky hoodie over his t-shirt and shoved his feet into his beat up old slippers. Then he left his rooms, walking to engineering. He used the computer to locate Gaila; she was at one of the main consoles for the nacelles. Knowing his ship like the back of his hand, Jim found her in record time.

Gaila stood bent over the desk as she entered a set of keystrokes. Satisfied, she grabbed a monitor from her toolkit and dropped to her knees, hiding halfway under the table. She began to take readings when Jim cleared his throat.

Gaila turned to look at him, a confused furrow between her brows. “May I help you?”

“It’s me,” Jim said with a self-deprecating sigh. “I’m Jim.”

Gaila’s eyes widened before she adopted a more normal expression. “Oh. I heard something happened to you on that mission the other day, but I didn’t know exactly what. You look…”

“Different. Weird. Freakish,” Jim supplied.

“I was going to say good,” Gaila countered. “You’re beautiful and obviously in good health in spite of your transformation. Being a lady is a good look for you, Jim.”

“Everyone keeps saying that,” Jim said. “But I don’t see it. I feel like I’m funny looking.”

“You’re too close to your own situation to see things objectively,” Gaila said with a shrug. “But you’re definitely a knockout.”

Jim sighed, sitting on the table next to Gaila’s arm. “It doesn’t matter if I am or not. The one person I want doesn’t feel that way.”

Gaila tossed her ponytail over her shoulder. “That doesn’t sound like you at all. What happened to the Great Lover Jim who can get anyone he wants?”

“This is different,” Jim said. He folded his knees up to his chest, wrapping them in his arms.

One of Gaila’s eyebrows formed a sharp arch. “How so?”

“Because of who it is and how I feel,” Jim said. “I don’t just want a fuck. I don’t think that’s it, anyways. Not with Bones.”

Gaila’s eyes lit up, and she all but squealed. “You finally figured it out!”

She grabbed Jim, pulling him into a fierce hug that almost knocked him to the floor. Jim flailed to regain his balance, and he couldn’t help but notice how much curvier she was than him. It made him have buyer’s remorse all over again about his new body.

Then her words caught up to him.

“Wait, _finally_? Figured what out?” Jim said as he pulled back from her embrace.

Sighing, Gaila shook her head a few times, the curls hanging down her back bouncing with the movement. “You two have been dancing around each other since the Academy. It’s wonderful to see you get it right.”

“We have?” Jim said. “I don’t remember any dancing around each other.”

Gaila put a hand on a hip, staring at him. “You cannot be serious that you’ve never noticed the way he looks at you or cares for you compared to everyone else.”

“I don’t…” The memory of the night of the change came back: Bones drying his tears and checking his wounds with such care and kindness. Bones allowing him to be stood down. Bones being willing to spend time with him so he wasn’t alone, arranging for his favorite food and drink...had Bones always done these things for Jim?

Thinking back over the years they’d known each other, Jim realized he had. Almost since they very first met, Bones looked out for Jim above and beyond what he did for anyone else. Which, considering Bones’ treatment of the sick, said quite a bit.

Bones was in love with Jim, had always been in love with Jim. And Jim had never seen it until that moment.

But then why had Bones pushed him away?

“Why didn’t he kiss me?” Jim wondered aloud. “I leaned in to kiss him, and he backed away, told me I didn’t really want it, that I was too drunk...why would he have done that if he loves me?”

“You just answered your own question,” Gaila said, her voice soft and gentle amid the hum of the ship’s power. “You were drunk, and he only wants you the right way. He wants you to want him the way he’s longed for you. He probably thought you did it because of the alcohol and not because of actual feelings.”

“But…” Jim trailed off, not sure of how to proceed. Feelings for Bones?

Then again, the way he reacted when he thought of Bones with another person...it ruined his day. He wanted to see Bones happy above everything else, but the thought of him being the thing that made Bones happiest of all… Aside from the day Jim was given command of the _Enterprise_ , Jim never had such a joyous feeling.

But why now?

“I don’t understand why this is happening now,” Jim said. “Has me turning into a woman made me feel things more? I don’t understand. How do I even know this isn’t some kind of fluke from this?”

“You don’t,” Gaila said with a shrug. “There’s no way to know that. It’s not even been a week yet, so I can’t say if being a woman has made you more in tune with your emotions or not. This might have even happened without this change, to be honest. It sounds mostly like you were just ready to see things clearly.”

“How do I make him see I’m serious?” Jim said. “How do I show him I want him?”

“Well, how do you do it for everyone else?” Gaila said.

“No, I can’t resort to that for Bones,” Jim said. “He’ll think I just want to fuck and push me away again. He won’t understand my feelings if I don’t act in a way that makes them crystal clear.”

Gaila smiled. “What about something soft: dressing nice, background music, champagne, flowers...what about something like that?”

Jim lit up before dimming. “I won’t get my new clothes until next week.”

“Borrow something from Nyota, you have about the same build,” she said as she looked down at his feet. “What are you, a ten?”

“A six,” Jim answered.

“In shoes, Jim,” Gaila explained.

“Oh,” Jim said. “Yeah, I’m a ten.”

“Me too,” Gaila said with a wink and a smile. “You can borrow a pair from me. I think Nyota has a black dress that would look good on you. She and I can do your makeup, help you get ready.”

“Thanks,” Jim said. “I can get the champagne and dinner. Flowers would be good, too. I’ll make it clear that we’re on a date.”

“Yes,” Gaila said with a grin. “Leave no doubt in his mind. Let me sleep for a few hours, and we’ll meet up in Nyota’s quarters. I’ll bring a few pairs of shoes that you can try on.”

“Sounds great,” Jim said. He hopped off the table, pulling Gaila into a hug. “Thanks, Gaila. You’ve really helped.”

“Of course, Jim,” Gaila said as she returned the hug. “I’ll call you when I get up.”

“Great!” Jim said as he padded out of the wing back into the ship’s corridors. Realizing he was hungry, he decided to make a stop in the mess on his way back to his quarters. It was the beginning part of the breakfast hours, and Jim decided sausage on an English muffin sounded like the perfect idea.

In the mess, there were only a few early bird crewmembers. There was a table of a bunch of men including one of the science officers from the mission the other day, Reggie Berkhart. Berkhart’s back was to Jim as he told a story to the other guys at the table.

Jim grabbed his sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich and a to-go cup of coffee as the table started laughing and hooting. Curious, he moved closer to see what was making his crew so cheery.

“Seriously, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it,” Berkhart said. “The captain’s a chick now!”

Jim sighed, realizing it was what he got for eavesdropping. On some level he knew Bones had been right about people talking. It still stung finding out it was true.

“And let me tell you,” Berkhart said, lowering his voice but not enough so Jim couldn’t still hear. “I’d hit it and quit it.”

Wait, what?

“Dude, no way,” one of the others who Jim realized was Verbecke, one of the ship’s sociologists, said. “There’s no way Kirk turned hot. I mean, I guess he’s not a bad looking dude or whatever, but him? A hot girl?”

For some reason, the use of the word _girl_ set Jim’s teeth on edge. He was pushing thirty, for fuck’s sake. Why would someone call him a girl? Especially when he was their commanding officer.

“Oh man, so hot,” Berkhart said. “Giant blue eyes and legs up to next week. I bet she’s really flexible, too.”

Jim’s mouth fell open.

“She was in her wet uniform, and it clung to _everything_. She doesn’t have much in the way of tits, but those legs, man. I want them wrapped around me STAT. She’s got these giant DSLs too, she’s super hot.”

It wasn’t that Jim hadn’t ever heard men talk about people they found sexy before. He’d even been in more than one conversation himself. But he didn’t recall them being this...crass.

Were they this crass? Was he looking at himself in a better light than these guys? Jim thought back to his pursuit of Nyota’s name and some of the things he said to Bones about her. He couldn’t recall anything as disrespectful as what Berkhart and the others were doing, but his commentary wasn’t good, either.

And, he realized, when he spoke of the men he wanted to be with, he didn’t use this kind of language at all. He left it at “he’s hot.” He could remember commentary on women’s physical features coming out of his mouth, but for the men he was more respectful. Even with Bones, it was all about how Jim felt. He was gorgeous, but aside from the handsome conversation last night he’d never made a point of Bones’ physical appearance.

Christ, no wonder he had the reputation he did. He practically leered at women when walking to Starfleet HQ. Everyone thought he was a cad - and for good reason.

Too upset about the realizations about himself to reprimand Berkhart, Jim skulked out of the mess, sandwich and coffee in tow. He made it back to his quarters without running into anyone else, which he was thankful for, and sat down on his couch to eat his breakfast.

It was a bitter pill to swallow as he unwrapped the foil. He’d always considered himself a nice guy, if ambitious and a bit strident. Chekov once said something about him being a Slytherin from this ancient book series he’d loved as a kid, which Jim took to mean ruthless in the face of adversity.

But maybe Chekov meant he wasn’t nice.

The one person he could ask about this was Bones. Jim checked the clock; Bones was probably up. Jim flipped open his communicator.

_McCoy here._

“Uh, hey,” Jim said. “I just...are we okay?”

There was a moment’s silence before Bones replied. _We’re always okay, Jim._

Letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, Jim almost fell over from the relief he felt. “Oh. Good. I just...I wasn’t sure. The last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable. Okay?”

_I know, Jim. You’re fine._

Jim smiled at the warmth in Bones’ voice. “Good. And I just wanted to make sure you’ll still come over tonight. Don’t worry about bringing food; I’ll take care of it myself. You’re right that I shouldn’t hide so much.”

 _Glad to hear it,_ Bones said, sounding pleased. _I don’t know when I’ll be in. I got a message a few minutes ago saying there was an anomaly with your bloodwork._

“An anomaly? Like...as in I’m terminal or as in anemia?” Jim tried to ignore the dread forming a pit in his stomach, but it didn’t work out very well.

 _If you were terminal, I’d already be in medical finding a cure,_ Bones sighed with fond exasperation. _Something small we almost didn’t pick up apparently. You’re not in any danger. It’s probably just the pH balance of the water you fell into throwing things off. I’ll check it out and get back with you later, but for now I need to shower. Later, Jim._

The signal cut off, and Jim folded the communicator closed. In spite of the weirdness with his blood results, talking to Bones made him feel worlds better. And with the knowledge that they’d see each other that night, Jim felt alive.

He actually felt well enough to sleep so he went back into his bedroom, curling up on the mattress and nesting. His thoughts turned again to Bones, thinking about the previous night and how it felt to be so close to him. In his daydream, Bones allowed the kiss to happen, and in Jim’s mind it was soft, full of longing, and gentle. Jim could almost feel Bones’ mouth against his in real life, and his cheeks flushed in response.

Jim’s lips had a tendency to get chapped due to the replicated air of the ship, but in his imagination, Bones’ mouth was plush against his lips. Jim imagined the kiss growing deeper, becoming more passionate, and the flush on his face spread down his body.

The kiss deepened further, Bones pushing Jim onto his back on the couch. Jim felt hot all over, hot and needy and a bit frustrated. Warmth pooled between his legs, almost achingly so, and he parted them, bending them at the knees.

Then Jim realized he hadn’t really spent any time with his new body. He’d looked at it, bought clothes for it, fed it...but he hadn’t really _touched_ it.

And if things were going to go the way he wanted them to that night with Bones, he should probably have some clue as to things he liked or even just how it worked.

Sitting up, Jim pulled off all his clothing, taking a look down at himself. The full body blush was a bit new, but he was paler as a woman. Lying flat on his back, Jim tried to figure out where to begin.

None of the women he’d been with had ever liked the exact same things, he realized as he thought back to previous encounters. Gaila for example, she hardly needed any foreplay at all. She was pretty much good to go after a few minutes of making out.

Jim reasoned it was probably the same for him. Changing bodies didn’t mean that was different, right?

First Jim, after once again lamenting their size, brought his hands to his breasts. He rolled his nipples in between his fingers, adjusting to how it felt. At first he was too gentle, so he added some strength. That hit the jackpot, and he gasped a little as his nipples hardened to stiff peaks. The warmth between his legs grew more intense, and something else happened down there. It was like…

Oh.

He had gotten wet.

Curious about it, Jim slid his left hand to the apex between his thighs, sticking a finger inside himself. It took a bit for him to give way, but then his finger was fully inserted. And yeah, he was wet. Not as wet as Gaila got, or even some of the other women from his past, but he was wet just the same.

His right hand continued to play with his breast, figuring out what he liked and didn’t. Kneading it felt good, but his nipple was very sensitive. Every time he touched it, the throbbing between his legs grew. He felt swollen down there, but in a different way than an erection.

Jim tried to fit another finger within, slowly so as to not hurt himself. It didn’t work; he was a little too dry and tight for more than what he had. Making a small, frustrated noise, Jim began to wonder exactly how he was going to get off like this when a realization struck him that made him marvel at his own stupidity.

He had a clit.

Letting go of his breast, Jim brought his hand down between the folds of his labia, touching the sensitive bud of flesh. He jolted from the contact.

That was a lot better than trying to maneuver his fingers up inside. He rubbed his clit in slow circles at first, getting used to the sensation. Frustration soon won out over curiosity, and he rubbed it more insistently with two fingers. It felt good for a bit, but soon the dry friction got to him. There was a thing of lubricant in his nightstand drawer that he used to jerk off with, which he could use if it was necessary.

But Jim knew his body made its own lubricant now.

Jim dipped his fingers inside him again, wetting them, before going back to rubbing his clit. That felt worlds better, and his body responded more readily. The heat that had formed between his legs began to rise in an almost fever pitch that begged for release. He sped his fingers, rubbing faster.

And he rubbed.

And still kept rubbing.

“Jesus, how long does this take?” he wondered out loud. If he’d still been male, he’d have gotten off and then some by now. He wet his fingers again, continuing to rub them against his clit. His wrist ached, but he kept going, determined to see it through.

Except he kept reaching the brink of orgasm but not actually managing to go over the edge. He chased it, out of reach, as he continued to touch himself for what had to have been a half an hour.

His wrist did give out so he switched hands. When that didn’t work, he switched positions from on his back with his knees bent to all fours. That didn’t do it, either, so he tried kneeling with his legs wide open.

But he still couldn’t get there.

“This is bullshit,” Jim said with a grumble. “Why is this so difficult? I could have come like five times by now.”

Part of him entertained the notion of giving up, but the bigger part of him that was James T. Kirk, determined Starship captain who graduated Starfleet Academy in three years instead of four, refused.

His body had other ideas, though.

His fingers stopped feeling pleasurable, instead feeling a lot like he was being chafed. Jim made a loud annoyed sound.

“God damn it,” he said. “I’m going to come if it kills me!”

He wondered if he had anything he could insert in himself to get his G spot, or if he should take a few minutes break before continuing. Though now he understood better why women were so keen on vibrators and dildos.

This shit was so fucking annoying.

“Fine, fuck it,” he said. He moved his hands away from his clit. “You win this round. I give.”

He still felt that frustrating heat, built up with no release. How could he make it go away? Sitting around all day with this feeling would be torture. The thought of putting his legs close together made him antsy, shifting on the bed.

“There has got to be something,” Jim said.

Maybe he could call Bones to come over right that minute instead of tonight. If Gaila was actually right about him having wanted Jim forever, surely he wouldn’t be able to resist a begging naked Jim on his bed?

Except he resisted a drunk Jim trying to kiss him the night before.

And he was hard at work on the issues with Jim’s blood sample. Bones would be furious if Jim called him away for a booty call, to the point of refusing any and all advances. But Jim had to do something, his body was taut like a live wire with pent-up need.

Maybe a cold shower.

His legs feeling like jelly, Jim walked into his bathroom with a sigh. He turned on the shower, stepping into the glass door. The water was cool, but not freezing, and Jim grabbed the shower head, lowering it from where it sat in its holder, and pointed it right at his face.

An idea struck him from something he’d heard women mention in the past. Jim parted his labia, aiming the water right at his clit. The spray pounded him, the heat in his body rising more and more until finally, he shuddered. Jim cried out, grabbing the shower wall with one hand to stabilize himself. His knees buckling, he rode the waves of his first orgasm as a woman.

The spray was still aimed between his thighs, and he had barely finished coming the first time when a second one rocked him. This one was a bit smaller but no less potent as his knees gave out further.

Wondering how many times he could do that, Jim held the spray tight on his clit as a third followed by a fourth flowed through him. Panting, Jim let his body sink to the floor of the shower, legs parted and knees bent as he continued to let the water hit him.

He made it to seven or eight before it stopped feeling good, and Jim dropped the showerhead with a small whimper. His legs were outright shaking, his heart thudded in his chest, and his breathing was erratic as he came down from the bliss with which he’d overloaded himself.

The endorphins slowed, and Jim regained some of his composure. “Okay,” he said. “Multiple orgasms are pretty awesome.”

The water running completely cold, Jim turned off the shower from where he sat, shaking some feeling back into his legs. Clumsy, he stumbled out of the shower like a newborn foal, grabbing a towel to dry himself. His clit felt a bit overworked, so he dried there as gently as he could manage.

Once he’d finished toweling off, Jim couldn’t stop yawning. He wandered back into his bedroom, ready to sleep. He didn’t bother with any clothing; he curled up under the blankets and duvet naked.

With a smile, he drifted off to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock finally sees Jim, and Jim and Bones make plans.

Jim had only slept for an hour and a half when his communicator beeped at him. Grumbling, he opened it. “Yeah?”

 _Jim, it’s Bones_ , came his voice. _I need you to come down to Medical. It’s about your blood results._

Jim burrowed back under the covers, taking the communicator with him. “Can you tell me over the comm? I’ve barely slept.”

 _I would if it wouldn’t be a HIPAA violation,_ Bones said. _Please, Jim. I just need a few minutes of your time._

Jim sighed, knowing that he looked like death warmed over. “Give me twenty minutes. Kirk out.” As soon as the call ended, Jim flopped back into a ball, wishing he could sleep for another ten minutes. Realizing if he drifted off he’d be down for the count, Jim sat up in bed, rubbing a hand through his hair. He stumbled out of the covers, throwing back on the clothing he’d worn the night before including the hoodie and slippers.

Then he walked to Medical from his quarters, staying to the back when he’d be on a turbolift with other people. No one paid him any mind or recognized him.

Jim entered the medical wing, seeing Bones and Spock standing in the open door of Bones’ office. Jim’s steps faltered at the sight of his First Officer. He thought about turning around and hiding when Bones spotted him, calling for him to enter his office.

“Shit,” Jim said. It was too late.

Jim entered Bones’ office, scuttling back behind his desk like he could hide. He aimed his eyes down at the floor, hunching his back and shoulders to make himself small.

After a few moments, Jim hazarded a glance at Spock. For a Vulcan, Spock looked floored in disbelief. His eyes were as wide as they were capable of getting, both of his eyebrows had climbed into his bangs, and his mouth had the barest hint of being open.

Jim sighed.

“Go on, get it over with,” Jim said.

The stunned look vanished from Spock’s face as he regained his more common state of composure. “I have to say, this is not what I had in mind when Doctor McCoy told me the reason for your being stood down, Captain.”

“What did you have in mind then?” Bones asked before Jim could. “I didn’t speak in code, Spock; I flat out told you that he got turned into a woman.”

Spock chose his next words carefully. “Both you and Nyota told me the truth. When I imagined the Captain as a female, I did not anticipate his physical appearance is what I mean.”

“I look like shit,” Jim croaked. “I couldn’t sleep last night. Stop picking on me.”

“I am not, to use your vernacular, picking on you,” Spock said. “The opposite rather. You’re quite exquisite looking.”

Jim flounced into Bones’ chair. “Everyone keeps saying that, and I feel like I look like a giant bug-eyed fish.”

Bones didn’t reply, but he put his hand on Jim’s shoulder to reassure him. Jim leaned into his touch in spite of his foul mood, his spirits lifting enough at the realization that Bones really was okay.

“Anyways,” Bones said as he turned on the large display monitor attached to his north wall. He pulled up a digital image taken from a lab slide. ”Here we go.”

The image was Jim’s blood magnified a thousand times. Hemoglobin, white cells, red cells, and platelets all appeared larger than life on the screen.

And that. That thing crawling along the bottom.

“What the fuck is that?” Jim said, his eyes wide like dinner plates.

Spock drew straighter. “If I am making a correct assumption, it appears to be some sort of nanomachine.”

Its appearance was that of a dragonfly, except it was made out of a material that looked like mercury with a long, spindly tail. It was one of the strangest things Jim had ever seen.

“That...that thing is in my blood?” Jim said. His face had gone pale, and waves of nausea coursed through him.

“Probably millions of them are,” Bones said. “We’re pretty sure they came from the water, and if I’m as good a guesser as I think I am, they’d be why you changed sex, Jim.”

Jim shuddered. “Ugh, get them out. Get rid of them.”

“We don’t know enough about them yet to figure out how to handle that,” Bones said as gently as he could muster. “We only just found out they’re even present. I don’t want to try any scorched earth tactics until we know you won’t be harmed. For all I know, these things are the only reason why you’re alive after the change considering it undid everything about you down to your chromosomes and DNA.”

Jim shuddered a second time.

“I would also assume,” Spock said. “That this is the reason for my presence at this meeting.”

“Yup,” Bones said. “Basically, I need you and your team to analyze these nanobots. Figure out what they do at least. This is beyond me, though from what I’ve seen of them, they aren’t attacking any of Jim’s cells. At least, they aren’t as of this moment. I’d like to make sure they won’t hurt him or that they aren’t ticking time bombs.”

“I agree,” Spock said. “Were any of the ship’s archaeologists with you on the surface, Captain?”

“Two of them,” Jim said. “Steinberg and Chankar. There was a sign by the spring I fell in, but no one could read it. They said it seemed like there was some kind of civilization who left, though whether they mean died out or took off for a new planet, they didn’t specify.”

“I will also consult with them to ascertain the purpose of that pool, then,” Spock said. “May I have the blood sample, Doctor?”

Bones handed over a vial of Jim’s blood, keeping the second. “I’m keeping half the sample I took just to make sure these things aren’t harmful. And Jim, I’m going to draw blood every other day to make sure they’re staying innocuous.”

Jim sighed, feeling even more tired than he had upon getting Bones’ call. “I mean, I guess that’s okay so you can make sure I don’t start hemorrhaging from my eyes or whatever.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t be happy if that happened,” Bones said with a light-hearted frown.

“I also guess both of you should just keep me updated accordingly,” Jim said around a yawn. “Because again---eye bleeding is bad.”

“How much longer will you be stood down for?” Spock asked.

“A while,” Jim said, his tone defensive. “I’m really not in a place where I’m comfortable with the entire crew seeing me this way.”

“The longer you hide, the harder it will be to come forward,” Spock said.

“I know,” Jim said. “Give me a week to finish getting used to things, and then we’ll re-evaluate.”

“Understood,” Spock said. “If you will both excuse me, I would prefer to begin work on the Captain’s conundrum sooner rather than later.”

“You can go, Spock,” Bones said. “Especially as you’re basically doing the Vulcan equivalent of salivating over this puzzle.”

Jim gave Spock a long look, and yeah, there was the light in his eyes that he only got when faced with a difficult scientific challenge. Jim made a mental note to apologize to Nyota since she might not see much of her partner until this was resolved.

Spock didn’t dignify Bones’ comment with a response aside from inclining his head in a slight nod and exiting the room. Bones chuckled to himself as he turned the display off.

“You said you didn’t sleep,” Bones said, giving Jim a worried look. “Is everything alright?”

There was no use in hiding from him. “I was worried I offended you or that you wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore,” Jim said with a watery smile.

“It would take a lot more than a drunken attempt at a kiss to make me leave you for good, I hope you realize that,” Bones said with an answering smile of his own.

“What if…” Jim said, standing and crossing the room to Bones. “What if I didn’t do it when I was drunk?”

Bones seemed to freeze, his posture stiffening and his face becoming an emotionless mask.

A blush stained Jim’s cheeks. “You _are_ really handsome, and you’re so good to me, Bones. Why wouldn’t I want to kiss you sober, drunk, or any time at all?”

The mask slipped off Bones’ face, revealing a bright spot of hope that warred with disappointed dark clouds in his eyes. “You never have before,” was his answer, voice roughened with an emotion that Jim heard for what it was: naked longing.

“Aren’t you always calling me emotionally constipated?” Jim said. He placed his hands on Bones’ shoulders, smiling up at him. “Why would I be any different about this? Why is it so hard to believe that I’m just slow on the uptake when it comes to you and I and how good we are together?”

The fog in Bones’ eyes seemed to dissipate, leaving behind nothing but hope. He didn’t speak though, instead placing his hands on Jim’s hips. Taking that for the sign he knew it was, Jim stood on his tiptoes to press their lips together.

The kiss was all light and yearning, gentle as much as it was everything Jim had ever felt in a kiss. He never wanted it to end, even though it was chaste, and Jim had to wonder why he’d never tried it before. It was perfection.

Bones’ hands tightened on Jim’s hips, pulling him close. Jim parted his lips, Bones taking the hint and deepening the kiss. It lasted for what felt like an eternity, but Jim was greedy, praying it would go on forever.

Finally breaking apart, Jim lowered his gaze in order to gather his thoughts. “Well,” he said in a whisper. “That was amazing.”

Bones’ mouth twisted a bit, his expression going cloudy. “I can’t do this with you,” he said, stepping back.

“Do what?” Jim said as he tried not to panic. One kiss had changed Bones’ feelings?

“Be a one night fling,” Bones said. “I can’t compromise on this. If I can’t be yours, I can’t, Jim.”

“Then it’s a good thing that’s not what I’m after,” Jim said, stepping back into Bones’ personal space. He wound his hands into Bones’ hair, pulling him in tight. “Forever sounds good to me. What about you?”

Sunshine filled Bones’ features, the brightest joy Jim had ever seen him display. It warmed Jim down to his toes that such a simple phrase could instill so much happiness in Bones. He realized that he was the reason for the brilliance, that his love of Bones made him shine brighter than anyone else ever could.

Jim smiled before leaning up and kissing Bones again. Bones wrapped him in his arms, so close Jim felt his heart beating through his uniform. The kiss lasted as long as the last one, both of them content to linger. When it ended, Jim bit his bottom lip around a smile.

“I have to get to work,” Bones said. “I’d rather fix you sooner than later, but I’ll come for dinner.”

“Good,” Jim said as he swept his thumb across Bones’ lips. “I’ll be waiting.”

Pecking him on the cheek, Bones let go so Jim could walk out. He wasn’t even tired anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim gets ready for his date with the help of Gaila and Nyota.

Feeling like he was floating, Jim went back to his quarters. Realizing he’d left his communicator behind in his rush to leave, Jim saw he missed a message from Gaila.

 _Meet us at 1400 in Nyota’s quarters. We’ll take care of you,_ was all it said. Jim grinned, knowing Bones wouldn’t know what hit him.

There were several hours before the arranged time, so Jim decided to lie back down. He stripped out of everything but the t-shirt and briefs, curling back up in his unmade bed. He didn’t even realize he’d fallen asleep until he woke up some time later. He checked the time; it was 13:15.

Jim hopped in the shower, taking care to shave everything again as well as he could. Then he stepped out to moisturize. He left his hair wet because he didn’t think much could be done with it. Then he put on a pair of sweats and a dark t-shirt, padding in his slippers down the hall to the room Nyota shared with Spock.

After ringing the chime, it only took a second for Nyota to answer. She was in her uniform, though it wasn’t quite time for her workday to have ended.

Before Jim could ask, Nyota shrugged. “I called in a favor with M’Ress. She’s covering for me the last two hours.”

“It’s no big deal,” Jim said as he walked into the room. Hanging in the doorway to the bedroom were three dresses; one was a crimson red, one black, and one a vibrant sapphire blue. Jim picked them off the trim on the doorframe, holding them at an arm’s length.

The red one had one wide strap and looked like it would hit Jim at his knees. The black one had two straps with some jet-black beading around the collar and hem. The skirt was tighter than the red one, Jim realizing it must be one of those bodycon things. The blue dress was flowy, made of silk, and had a halter top.

Jim held the blue one up to himself. It hit just above his knees, not quite a miniskirt. He walked into the bathroom, holding it against his face to check the color. It made his eyes glow like gems, warming up his face and bringing out highlights in his hair.

“I pick this one,” Jim said. “This is perfect.”

“Try it on before you make up your mind,” Nyota said with a smile.

Jim closed the door behind him, stripping out of his clothing and putting on the dress. It was backless, fastened at the neck by small snaps with a short zipper up the back of the skirt. The silk felt luxurious against his skin, smooth and supple. The skirt hit him where he thought it would, and he admired himself in the mirror for a while before opening the door.

Nyota grinned at him.

“You look beautiful,” she said. “Just a few touches, and we’ll make you even more so.”

“How?” Jim said, not sure of what she meant.

“A little makeup, though not much,” Nyota said. “We’ll replicate things for you to keep. A little eyeliner, a little concealer, blush, lip gloss, and you’ll be good to go.”

Gaila came in at that moment in a pair of jeans and a loose black top, carrying three pairs of shoes in her hands. Two were black with the final pair being gold. She grinned at the sight of Jim. “Wow. That looks amazing on you!”

“Does it?” Jim said as he spun in a circle, testing the flow of the skirt. He’d worn a dress once on a dare back in high school, but he didn’t mind it as much this time. Though he made a note to turn up the temperature in his quarters as he felt a bit chilly.

Gaila held up one of the gold shoes to the dress. “What do you think, Nyota?”

“It’s not up to me, it’s up to Jim,” Nyota said with a shrug.

Gaila handed the shoe to Jim, and he held it up to his face. They were golden high-heeled sandals with ankle straps. “How high is this heel? Because if I end up taller than Bones in these, I’m going to laugh at his expense.”

“Four inches,” Gaila said. “Try them on and make sure you can walk.”

Jim sat on Nyota’s couch, fiddling with the shoe. The little strap was surprisingly difficult to fasten, taking Jim several minutes to get it right. He succeeded at last, and Gaila handed him the second shoe. It felt a bit tighter on his left foot than his right, and Jim slowly stood from the couch, wobbling a bit as he did so.

“Okay,” Jim said. He took one small step, barely picking his foot off the ground. Then he repeated it.

“That’s not how you walk in those, Jim,” Gaila said with a sigh.

“Let me get acclimated,” Jim said. Another tiny step. Then another.

Rolling her eyes, Gaila kicked off her Converse to pull on the black suede pumps she had brought with her. “Here. Watch.”

Gaila didn’t stride so much as sashay, her hips moving hypnotically as she walked around Nyota’s living room. She seemed to put the pressure on her toes and the balls of her feet, picking them up off the ground and planting them back down. She stopped across the room, turning around to face Jim. “Now you try, and put your backbone into it.”

Jim glared at her. “Give me a break.”

“Do it,” Gaila said.

“You heard the woman, better do what she says,” Nyota said.

Jim sighed, then tried walking the way Gaila had done. It felt unnatural at first, and he kept worrying over his balance. But gradually he got the hang of it, the motions became more natural, and he made it across the room to her. Then he walked back-- more confident the second time-- to Nyota.

“How do you dance in these things?” he asked. “I’d fall over.”

“Practice,” Nyota replied with a glib tone. “You get used to them after a decade or two.”

“No offense, but I hope I’m not like this for ten years,” Jim said as he experimented with stride length and tempo around the coffee table. “Although by that point, I probably won’t remember what being a man is even like.”

HIs words came out sadder than intended, and both Gaila and Nyota’s faces dimmed a bit in response. Gaila sat on the arm of the sofa, Nyota joining her on the cushion below. They leaned in towards each other like sisters in childhood, and Jim realized that while he was close to both of them, the casual physical contact wasn’t present. It made him feel a bit sad until he realized he had that with Bones.

Granted, he and Bones weren’t just friends anymore, but that was neither here nor there.

“How are you really doing with this, Jim?” Nyota asked. Gaila gave him a look that was both curious and sympathetic.

Joining them on the couch, Jim sat with his legs tucked up under him. He shrugged his shoulders, not knowing where to begin.

“Almost everything is really terrible, honestly,” he said after a few minutes. “I’m focusing on superficial things because the last time I thought too hard about my situation, I shattered a mirror with my fist. So I’m buying clothes and playing dress up, because when I’m not, crew members are talking shit about me behind my back and now Spock basically thinks I’m his ticket to first place in the _Enterprise_ Science Fair.”

“What do you mean, people are speaking ill of you?” Nyota said. “You’ve hardly left your quarters. Did Leonard overhear something?”

Jim looked down at his hands, which were balled into fists on his lap. “No. I went to the mess this morning and overheard some of the crew talking about my...assets.”

Gaila looked confused, as did Nyota for a brief second before her expression cleared.

Then it darkened.

“Men can be pigs,” Nyota said.

That clued Gaila in, her expression flat lining into anger. “What did they say exactly?”

“That I look flexible, that I don’t have much in the way of boobs, that he wanted my legs wrapped around him, and that I have dick-sucking lips,” Jim rattled off like a robot, hoping that would quell some of the resentment and shittiness residual from that morning.

“And who was this who said these things?” Gaila continued.

Jim stared at her. “You are not beating this asshole up. I can handle it myself.”

“I wasn’t going to use violence, Jim,” Gaila replied, her eyes wide with feigned honesty. “I was simply going to make sure the temperature control in his room never works again.”

“Same difference,” Jim said. “Especially when I can doom him to sensitivity training for the rest of the five years we’re on this boat.”

“Why not both?” Nyota said with an evil grin. “And if I know the name, I’ll make sure he never gets a date again.”

Though the plotting against other crewmates should be something that concerned Jim, at the moment he was hard-pressed to care. “Fine, but if anyone asks, I know nothing. Reggie Berkhart.”

“Of course it was,” Nyota said. “He’s a louse.”

“Yeah, I went out with him once,” Gaila said. “He was crude the whole night.”

Jim blinked. Until then, he had no idea that there was _too crude_ for Gaila. Then again, he was thinking about her strictly in the bedroom. Out at a nice dinner, things were likely different. “So he’s like this all the time? I didn’t interact with him much at the Academy.”

“He’s very good at pretending to be nice,” Nyota said. “But Gaila and I know better. I think maybe Carol had an issue with him once. He’s a creep.”

“Sensitivity training, a sullied rep, and a room that feels like the Mojave it is,” Jim said. Not on _his_ ship. His crew would soon know better.

“Admittedly,” Nyota said with a somewhat sly look. “I’m surprised those comments got to you. Given things you’ve said yourself in the past.”

“Which I’m sorry for,” Jim said. “This whole thing made me realize how I come across when I speak about women. Never again.”

“Oh, you don’t need to apologize at this point, it’s been years,” Nyota said. “But I’m glad you learned from it.”

“Me too,” Gaila chimed in.

“For sure,” Jim said with a smile before growing more serious. “I don’t know. It’s hard. It’d be one thing if I was transgender and had the surgery and hormones. This literally happened in a split second. I still have a moment of panic when I see my face in the mirror. I’m still figuring out how to move. I don’t know how the crew will react, so I’ve been staying in my quarters because I can’t deal with them turning their backs on me. I don’t know how the admiralty will take it, either.”

“I don’t think anyone will turn their backs on you, Jim,” Gaila said. “It’s a bit of a shock at first, I won’t pretend otherwise, but your crew is pretty great at rallying in the face of adversity.”

Jim fidgeted with one of the straps on his shoes. “You’re probably right, but I’m trying to prep for the worst.”

“I don’t blame you,” Nyota said. “I’m not certain I would handle this situation with any more grace than you are.”

“I’d probably love it,” Gaila said with an impish smile. “I’d spend the whole first day just playing with my cock.”

“That hadn’t occurred to me until a few hours ago,” Jim said. “I was too busy trying not to have nothing but panic attacks or throw my shit everywhere.”

Gaila perked up. “Did you try it?”

Nyota sighed, rolling her eyes with affection. Jim flushed a bit before answering. “Yes. It worked with the shower head but with my hands not so much.”

“The shower head is pretty great,” Nyota said. “Though I doubt that’s why the designers of our ships include them.”

“You never know,” Gaila said. “And yes, they are very nice.”

Jim’s coloring returned to its natural state, relieved for some reason. Maybe he thought they’d mock him or something, which was not really in line with how they treated him when they’d all hang out. But he was a bit rubbed raw still from the transformation.

Being rational about everything it entailed was a long ways off.

Jim looked down at his hands, his nails blunt, somewhat jagged, and unpolished. Gaila’s nails were a metallic gold and short. Hers were also neatly filed. Nyota’s nails appeared to be black at first, but were actually a really deep purple-burgundy color. Hers were not quite long, but not as short as Gaila’s - probably by necessity of Gaila’s job - and filed neatly.

“I should...figure out how to do these, shouldn’t I?” Jim said as he held a hand up. “They look pretty plain and messy.”

“If you want,” Nyota said. “Christine doesn't paint hers, just keeps them filed. A lot of women don’t bother, actually.”

Something occurred to Gaila then, and she slid down off the arm of the couch, pushing Nyota and Jim towards the middle. “Jim...you know, you don’t have to be anything you don’t want right?”

“What do you mean?” Jim asked.

“She means that just because you’re physically a woman, it doesn’t make you not a man,” Nyota said, clarifying. “If you don’t actually want to do things like wear makeup or a dress with heels, you absolutely don’t have to. I’m pretty sure Leonard will love you just the same. After all, he fell in love with you as a masculine man. He’ll still love you, so don’t feel like you have to do these things for him.”

“I don’t think I’m doing this for him,” Jim said. He looked down at his hands again, noting where his cuticles had been bitten. “I mean, aren’t these the things that women do?”

“Not all women,” Gaila said. “And the ones who don’t are women just as much as everyone else. Being a woman isn’t defined by wearing makeup or a skirt. Only a woman herself can define her femininity.”

Sitting quiet, Jim thought about how he jumped into the change in every way that involved his physical appearance. He spent a ton of money on clothing when he could have just replicated some stuff, though replicated clothing never felt as good as the real thing. He shaved his entire body because...reasons, now that he realized how little thought he put into it. He’d been embarrassed by his body hair as a woman, but as a man he paid it no mind.

“Wow,” Jim said. “I’ve internalized a lot of bullshit.”

“We all have,” Nyota said with a smile. “Even though I do the things I do because I like them and Spock likes them, I often wonder if that’s really true. I wonder if I’m not doing them because of society’s expectations.”

“The issue of body hair is interesting on Orion,” Gaila said. “It is a sign of fertility. Removing it can cause scorn. On Earth, the standards are much different. I had to adapt but still hold true to my own customs. The legs are fine to shave for me, but elsewhere isn’t. Very few of my Terran partners have objected, and when they did, I told them to suck it up and deal. It’s my body and my rules.”

Jim nodded, taking everything they said with a great deal of seriousness. “I won’t know if this is right for me if I don’t at least try it.”

“This is true,” Nyota said with a smile. “We can finish getting you ready. Then you can determine if these things are you or not.”

“Yeah,” Jim said as he sat up straighter. Gaila went into Nyota’s room, bringing back a large box. She opened it, and there were nail polish bottles and all the accoutrements that came with them. Gaila poked through the contents before settling on a red polish.

“This will look fabulous on you,” she said, holding it up to Jim’s hand. “It’s classic.”

Grabbing one of Jim’s feet, she set about giving him a modified pedicure. She trimmed his nails first, followed by pushing back his cuticles, which hurt a bit. Then she buffed the nails, filed them, and put on a clear base coat. Two coats of the red came next, followed by a topcoat that made them look glossy.

“Don’t move for a while,” Gaila said when she was finished. “You’ll smudge them.”

“Okay,” Jim said, barely moving his mouth to do so. He froze in place, petrified of ruining Gaila’s handiwork.

Gaila rolled her eyes. “Your feet, Jim. Just don’t move your feet.”

“Oh,” Jim said. He shifted how he sat without moving his legs.

“Now let me have your hands,” Gaila said. “I’ll make them match.”

“Sounds good,” Jim said. He held out his right hand first, and Gaila repeated the steps from his feet. The red really did look great with his skin tone; it wasn’t a bold color so much as an in-between cherry and wine. Jim held his hand up to his face, deciding he liked it.

Once his hands were done, Nyota went over to the replicator. She pushed a bunch of buttons, and before Jim knew what happened, she had a pile of makeup in her hands. Foundation in Jim’s shade, eyeliner, eye shadow, a blush, a lip gloss, and mascara.

“Just the basics to get you started,” Nyota said. “I’ll put them on you this time, but you can watch tutorials online to make other looks if you decide you like wearing makeup.”

“Okay,” Jim said, careful of his still drying fingernails. Nyota paused to grab a hand mirror and some brushes from her bathroom. She stood over Jim, bent at the waist. Gaila grabbed a towel and covered Jim with it like a smock.

“The foundation is a powder,” Nyota said. “It’s less work than a liquid. You have good skin, so you don’t need anything thick and heavy.”

“...Sure,” Jim said. Nyota ran the brush over the powder a few times, dusting some of it back off onto the foundation. Jim closed his eyes, and Nyota covered his face with the makeup using a light hand.

“Smile for me, Jim,” Nyota said as she grabbed the blush. It was a golden peach color, not pink or red or brown. Jim followed directions, and Nyota brushed the blush over the apples of his cheeks. She then brushed a light coat of the eye shadow, which was a sparkly golden color, over his lids. Jim had to open his eyes for the eyeliner and mascara, which were somewhat traumatizing. Nyota lined his eyes all the way around and even on his waterlines, whatever those were.

With a light application of the warm pink gloss, Jim was finished.

Nyota handed him the mirror, and he looked at his face. His eyes looked bright, big, and blue, his lips an appealing glossy pink...for the first time since this mess began, Jim felt like he looked good. “It’s awesome,” he said. “Though it seems like a lot for every day.”

“It is,” Nyota said with a shrug. “This is a special night, though.”

“Yeah,” Jim said, still admiring himself in the mirror. “It’s great! Thank you both!”

“You’re welcome,” they chimed in unison with bright grins.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones and Jim have their first date.

Once he deemed it safe to use his hands, Jim gathered all of his things with Nyota lending him a duffle bag to make carting them easier. His head held high, Jim walked from her quarters to his, stowing the clothing and makeup in his room and bathroom. Jim then called down to Muriel to arrange for dinner-- nothing too complicated, just baked monkfish with lemon butter, green beans, and spinach salads to start.

Feeling bold, Jim went to the ship’s wine cellar. It wasn’t much, but they kept decent wine on hand for any diplomatic guests that may request it. There were a few bottles of champagne, a bunch of red varietals from every Federation world that made wine, and a fair selection of whites. Jim opted for a sparkling wine made from a combination of Terran and Vulcan grapes. He put it in a chiller with ice, grabbing two flutes, and taking them back to his quarters.

It was almost time for Bones to show up, and Jim set the table, champagne in the middle but not obstructing their view of each other. The food was beamed in, and Jim kept the plates covered just in case. Nerves hitting him, Jim sat on the couch trying not to pick at his shiny nails.

About thirty minutes after Bones’ normal arrival time, Jim’s chime sounded. He shot off the couch, taking a moment to smooth the wrinkles out of his dress. He took a deep breath, then another before opening the door.

It was Bones but not in uniform. He wore a navy suit with a pink shirt that shouldn’t have gone with it but did. His collar was unbuttoned, and he had a pink and blue pocket square that matched both the suit and the shirt.

Jim’s eyes widened before he regained some of his composure.

Bones wasn’t doing much better.

They stared at each other for a while, before Jim shook himself out of it. “Come in,” he said with a gesture for Bones to enter.

Bones did, the door sliding closed behind him, and they stood before each other in Jim’s living room. Bones reached out, pulling Jim close to him but not so close as to be inappropriate. Jim placed his hands on Bones’ shoulders.

“You look,” Bones began, his voice soft. “Like a dream.”

“Thank you,” Jim whispered. “You look gorgeous.”

Bones kissed Jim’s cheek, careful not to smudge anything. Jim pressed closer, holding Bones tight. Having no objections, Bones wrapped Jim in his arms, one of his hands warm against the cool skin of Jim’s back. “You smell good,” Bones said after a while.

“I didn’t put on any perfume or anything,” Jim said. “It’s just the same shower gel I always use.”

“I know,” Bones said.

“Oh,” Jim said, stepping back from Bones. With the heels on, he was slightly taller than him. “I just meant…I don’t know what I’m even going on about.”

“You’re fine,” Bones said. He took one of Jim’s hands to pull him to the table. Before Jim could do anything, Bones grabbed a chair, holding it out for him. Jim flushed and took the seat. Bones pushed the chair in before sitting across from him. He popped the champagne and poured them both glasses.

Jim held his glass up. “A toast. To us, and to a new beginning.”

Bones’ answering smile was soft and bright. “To us.”

The flutes clinked together before they took a sip. It was excellent with just the right amount of dry to go down easy. They uncovered their plates, digging into their dinner.

The meal was mostly quiet, though Jim made sure Bones enjoyed his food. But the conversation didn’t flow as easily as it should have, as Jim felt shy. He hadn’t done fancy dinner dates much in his life, being more of a loud, popular nightspot kind of guy, so he didn’t have much of a frame of reference.

Fortunately, Bones saved him.

“You’re nervous, aren’t you?” Bones asked about halfway into his salad and a third of the way done with his fish.

“Yes,” Jim answered with honesty. “I almost don’t know what to do right now. Nothing I want to say feels like it’s enough or worthwhile.”

“I’m just me, Jim,” Bones said. “You don’t have to impress me. I’ve been impressed for a long while by you being yourself.”

Mind set at ease, Jim smiled. “I think I know that deep down. So much has changed so fast, though, but I’m sure of this. Of us.”

Bones looked a bit shocked but didn’t argue the point. He went back to eating, and Jim wondered if he had said something wrong. Draining his wine, Jim also returned to his food.

Before long, they had finished, and Bones walked to Jim’s entertainment console. He selected something on the screen, and after a moment, orchestral sounds filled Jim’s quarters. Before he could ask, Bones stepped in front of him with his hand held out. Jim took it, and Bones pulled him into an embrace, swirling him around the room in time to the music.

Jim’s face flushed the color of beets as he let Bones steer him, managing to avoid catching either of them on his coffee table. Jim rested his cheek against Bones’, wishing the song would never end.

It did, but another song with a similar tempo began right after. They continued to move as one, and Jim realized he’d never really done this before. He’d slow danced at a few functions like the formal ball Starfleet Academy held for its students every winter, but never this close, never with someone he loved.

Jim pulled back enough so they could look in each other’s eyes. He smiled at Bones, hoping it reinforced the words he said all night. Bones returned the smile, but there was a slight bit of guardedness to it, like he was waiting for the instant when Jim would drop him or make him leave.

Not being able to stand it any longer, Jim leaned the last few inches in, kissing Bones soundly on the lips. Bones sunk into it, returning it with pent up passion and longing. Jim took that as his cue, walking backwards and taking Bones with him to his bedroom.

He misjudged things, though, because when the backs of his legs hit his footboard, he lost his balance in the heels and toppled backwards, pulling Bones down half on top of him. Jim snickered into the kiss, breaking it so he could laugh outright.

“I promise,” Jim said between guffaws. “I am much smoother than this normally.”

“No, you aren’t,” Bones said as he propped himself up on his hands. “I’ve seen you too many times to buy that for a second.”

Jim laughed harder, catching each cackle on the end of a snort. “I can always count on you to tell it like it is,” he said when he could finally speak.

“That is a thing I’m known for,” Bones said with a shrug. He moved to get off Jim, but Jim grabbed one of his jacket lapels, pulling him back down.

“Why are you running from me?” Jim asked. “You should be all about this. Instead, you’ve got a wall up, and it’s like you can’t wait to leave.”

“I just don’t believe it’s real,” Bones said. “It’s too much like my daydreams. I keep waiting to wake up and find out it’s not real.”

Jim’s hands traveled from Bones’ lapels to his shoulders. He angled himself up, just enough to touch their noses together. He could have said a hundred things of varying romantic natures, but Jim opted instead for two words.

“It’s real.”

Before Bones could protest further, Jim kissed him again. This time, it wasn’t soft and gentle; Jim put everything he had into it, all of his passion, causing Bones to moan in response. Jim tried to pull the jacket off, but the way Bones’ arms were positioned made that impossible.

Bones broke the kiss. “You’re sure?”

“For the eight hundred and forty-seventh time, yes,” Jim said.

“I just…” Bones said. “Your new body. I didn’t want to---”

“I trust you,” Jim said. “I trust you, Bones, with everything I’ve got.”

Bones sat up, sort of balancing his weight on his legs. He pulled the jacket off, folding it neatly and laying it on the floor. Next came unbuttoning his shirt. Jim sat up as well, reaching behind him to unfasten the dress at his neck. He lowered the fabric, holding it over his chest to preserve his modesty.

“I’m sorry,” Jim said. “That I’m not prettier, I mean. I’m sorry that I’m...this.”

Bones gave Jim a confused look. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

He sounded so sincere that Jim didn’t know how to reply. He still clutched the dress, worried Bones would see him naked and change his mind. Before he could act, Bones took his hands, pressing them to his lips in a kiss.

“I guess I’ll just have to work on your self-esteem,” Bones said.

“It’s normally fine, but right now...” Jim said to explain. “I just...I’m funny looking, and small with no curves. I have no hips or breasts or…”

Before he could continue his protests, Bones kissed him. Just as Jim put all of his emotion into the last kiss they shared, Bones returned the favor with this one. Jim lost himself in it, but when it ended, Bones didn’t move away. Instead his lips drifted from Jim’s mouth to his jawline and then down his throat.

Tilting his head to the side, Jim sighed. His eyes drifted shut. Partners had kissed his neck in the past, but it felt better to him now. It felt soft, like the start of something wonderful, and Jim noted the pleasant thrum of anticipatory butterflies dancing in his stomach.

Bones lowered the fabric of the dress, but Jim didn’t pay it much mind as his mouth hovered over a spot by the hollow of his neck. Jim gasped, warmth pooling between his legs the way it had that morning. The feeling of Bones’ recently-shaved skin against his own was tantalizing, something Jim wanted to feel over and over again.

His mouth trailing across Jim’s collarbone, Bones paused. “Is this okay?” he asked with sincerity.

Jim blinked, his brain needing to catch up to the question. “Yes,” Jim said.

“Okay,” Bones said. He reached behind Jim, undoing the zipper that ran on the back of the dress. He moved away but only to undo the straps on the heels. Bones pulled one off at a time, pausing to kiss Jim’s ankles as he did so. The shoes fell softly to the ground, and then Bones pulled the dress down Jim’s legs. Jim crossed his arms over his breasts as Bones folded the dress the way he had his jacket, laying it on the floor.

Bones then finished undoing the buttons on his shirt, pulling it off, folding it, and putting it on the ground. His shoes and socks followed, then his belt and slacks. Both of them wore just their underwear, Bones in his standard silk boxers and Jim in a pair of cotton briefs.

“I…” Jim said. “I didn’t think to replicate different underwear.”

“Replicated underwear feels like shit,” Bones said. “And you’re fine. It’s actually pretty sexy.”

Jim furrowed his brows. “Sexy?”

“Hasn’t a woman ever worn your underwear around the house?” Bones said. “It’s hot.”

“I’ve never lived with a romantic partner,” Jim pointed out.

“I just mean that when someone I’m intimate with wears my clothes, I find it sexy,” Bones said. “Granted, they’re not mine in this instance. It still applies, though.”

“Thanks,” Jim said. He kept his arms crossed over his breasts.

Bones reached out a hand, stroking Jim’s cheek with the back of it. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? You seem scared. We can stop right now.”

“I am a bit scared,” Jim said. “What if I’m not good at it? What if you decide you’re wrong about me being pretty like this? I can’t make my head shut up right now.”

“I won’t change my mind, considering you’ve been the most stunning person in my eyes for years,” Bones said. “Don’t pressure yourself to be some kind of sex god your first time out in this body. And once we get going, I bet your brain shuts up just fine...but if you’re really not ready for this, we can wait.”

“You’ve _been_ waiting, though,” Jim said.

“So what’s a few more days?” Bones said, his tone sensible. “I don’t want to push past your boundaries, Jim. I’d rather we do it right than rush things.”

Jim didn’t know how to respond, considering no one had ever said that to him in his life. Granted, he never gave them the option, but still...no one had put his needs before theirs to such an extent.

“Let’s…” Jim began. “I...can we lie down?”

“Whatever you’d like,” Bones said.

“Okay,” Jim said. He lay on his side, back to Bones as he tried to figure out where they would go from there. He felt and heard Bones lay behind him, though he didn’t look to see how he was arranged. A hand touched his hip, and he glanced at it, realizing from the angle it meant Bones lay on his side behind him. He wasn’t spooning, though.

Jim sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Bones asked.

“What you were doing felt really good,” Jim said. “Better than, actually, but then I just...I don’t know. It’s like the second you were going to see me naked, something got triggered. It sounds so stupid, but it makes me nervous for you to see me this way.”

“Would it make you nervous if you were a man?” Bones said, his voice gentle.

Jim had to think before answering. “Not like this. This is a completely different ball game.”

Bones didn’t say anything more, which made Jim grateful. He couldn’t figure out what the issues were or what the problem was. Bones saw him naked the first night of the change.

But it mattered now, it mattered because Jim still didn’t find himself attractive. The first look of the makeup tricked him into thinking he was pretty, but now that he was faced with Bones in a sexual context, it shook his self-esteem.

“Do you really think I’m beautiful, Bones?” Jim asked, his voice timid and shaking.

“I always have,” Bones said. “Even the moment we met.”

“Was it love at first sight?”

“Not quite,” Bones said. “It wasn’t until a few months down the line that I knew. Do you remember the night we were so late getting back to the Academy from bar hopping that the trains had stopped running? It happened to be pouring rain that night, too, and neither of us had an umbrella.”

“I remember,” Jim said with a smile. It had been chilly, but worth it. Neither of them got any numbers that night; they were two men enjoying one another’s company.

“Remember when you tagged me? And we played tag the whole way back to campus?”

Jim smiled. “Yeah. You called me an impudent brat.”

“Do you remember when I tackled you on the quad?” Bones continued.

“My back wasn’t the same after that,” Jim answered.

“I just remember thinking that if I could love you after being drenched, freezing, tired, drunk, and playing a children’s game, I could love you the rest of my life and die happy,” Bones said.

Jim’s eyes softened, his teeth catching his bottom lip. Too moved to speak, he reached out his hand, placing it over Bones’ on his hip. He slid his fingers in between Bones’ longer, thicker ones, squeezing once to let him know he was heard.

The nerves began to dissipate, the fear dissolving into strength. Bones wouldn’t laugh at him or walk out over his looks, not even with Jim like this. Jim let go of Bones’ hand, turning to lay facing him. He still had one arm covering his chest, but when he saw all the love in Bones’ eyes, he dropped it. He moved forward, kissing Bones’ on the cheek once.

Bones smiled. “Feeling better?”

Jim nodded. “Let’s do this.”

“You’re sure?” Bones’ eyes never left Jim’s, but his hands moved to Jim’s waist, holding him closer.

“Yeah,” Jim said. “I want it. I want _you_.”

Bones kissed Jim on the mouth, soft and tentative at first. Then he became more daring, deepening the kiss with enough emotion to get the point across but not so hard to scare Jim a second time. Jim moaned into it, that warmth coursing through his veins like it did before.

Bones shifted, placing Jim on his back underneath him. The kissing continued, Jim content to do nothing more or less. One of Bones’ hands drifted from cupping Jim’s face to his clavicle. Then it went still lower until it rested lightly on Jim’s left breast.

“Is this okay?” Bones whispered in between kisses.

“Yeah,” Jim said.

Bones took further initiative, rubbing his thumb across Jim’s nipple. It felt really good, so Jim arched his back off the bed with another little moan. Just as he did before, Bones drifted his lips down Jim’s face to his neck and collarbone.

Jim shifted, one of his hands balling into a fist. “Um…”

Bones immediately stopped and looked up. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not doing anything,” Jim said with a slight frown. “I’m just laying here. Shouldn’t I be...doing something?” Looking off to the side, Jim frowned even more. “Admittedly, I don’t know how to have sex like this. I’ve only masturbated once, and I had to use the showerhead to have an orgasm.”

Bones smiled. “My plan is for you to let me do all the work, actually.”

Oh.

“That doesn’t seem very fair,” Jim said. “And it’s not really how I do things.”

“Just this once, let me,” Bones said. “Please, Jim. I promise I’ll make it good for you.”

The look on his face was nothing but earnest sincerity, and it made Jim’s heart melt. “Okay.”

Bones smiled, pressing a kiss to the tip of Jim’s nose before going back to what he had been doing. He slid back down Jim’s body, lips trailing fire with every touch. Jim couldn’t figure out what to do with his hands, so he grabbed Bones’ shoulders to ground him.

Bones’ mouth traveled over the mound of JIm’s breast before he took the nipple into his mouth, lightly sucking on it. Jim gasped, back bending like a taut bow, as Bones caressed his nipple with his tongue. It felt incredible, Jim shifting how he lay so Bones was trapped between his thighs.

Bones continued to suck and touch, Jim making small sounds when he did something really great, like teasing his nipple with his teeth. Flushing from head to toe, Jim dug his nails into Bones’ shoulders hard enough to leave marks. Bones made a little moan like he approved, so Jim didn’t stop or ease his grip.

Jim writhed under Bones on the bed; it all felt so good, but Bones wasn’t touching him where he needed it. Just when he was about to say something, Bones’s hands dropped from Jim’s chest to the waistband of his briefs. Lifting his hips, Jim let Bones peel them down and off, dropping them to the floor. Two of his fingers pressed against Jim’s clit, causing Jim to cry out.

Bones jerked his hand away, making Jim cry out a second time. “No, go back,” Jim said between panted breaths. “That was a good noise I made.”

Not answering because his mouth was still occupied, Bones replaced his fingers as he rubbed circles around Jim’s clit. Jim’s hips began to move in rhythm with his hand as he felt the heat rise still further. Bones stopped his teasing, dipping his fingers into Jim’s wetness before stroking Jim’s clit in earnest. Jim puffed out little cries with every touch, his fingers digging so hard into Bones’ shoulders he might have drawn blood.

The fingering continued, Jim’s cries rising in pitch and volume level until he shook, his orgasm catching him by surprise as he shuddered and mewled. Bones’ fingers slowed, calming Jim’s clit as he came down from his high.

Jim fell back on the bed, boneless. “Oh okay,” he said when he could speak. “Apparently when you do it, it works. Nothing happens when I try.”

Bones drifted further down Jim’s body, his tongue tracing a path between Jim’s breasts down to his navel.

Trying to regain some composure, Jim bent his neck to look down at Bones as he dipped lower and lower until… “Oh. Wait, you don’t have to---”

Bones grabbed Jim’s right thigh, hooking his leg over his shoulder. He did that to the left leg and parted Jim’s labia.

Then he bent down and went to work.

“Ah!” Jim said, his eyes squeezing shut. Bones’ tongue, that splendid, amazing tongue, licked Jim’s folds, erasing the moisture remaining from his previous orgasm. He pulled his tongue back to Jim’s clit, wiggling it in a zig-zag pattern. Jim jerked up, his hips rising up into Bones’ face for more. His toes curled as Bones worked him with his mouth, sliding one finger up into Jim’s hole and curling his fingers against a spot inside it.

Jim began to mewl again, much louder the second time. When he wasn’t making lots of noise, he was gasping for air like he’d forgotten how to breathe. His entire body trembled as Bones brought him off like that.

Then again.

“Ah, oh, oh God,” Jim said. “Ah, I can’t…!”

Bones added a second finger, both pressing into that soft spot. His mouth moved back to sucking on his folds before he’d spend some more time on his clit. Jim’s mewls became high-pitched borderline screams, his hands pulling at his hair for lack of something to do.

Bones gave him two more orgasms this way before pulling his mouth back to speak. “You look like you’re feeling good,” he said as he panted a bit himself.

Jim hadn’t realized he was grinning until that moment. “Ah, yeah. Yeah, you could pretty much just keep doing that all night, and I’d be great.”

Bones chuckled. “I can, if that’s what you want.”

His eyes flying open, Jim sat up. “Are you serious?”

“Wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t,” Bones said.

Jim had to think hard before answering. “No, I’d like to feel what sex is like.”

“Okay then,” Bones said. Jim reached out to his boxers, pulling them carefully down. Bones kicked them off, and Jim took in the sight of him naked.

It was a glorious sight, too.

How Bones managed to keep a tan on a starship was something Jim would have to ask him about another time. He was in great physical shape, nice firm pecs and a decent set of abs.

And that cock.

Jim stared at it for a while. “Um...I know things...stretch. Down there. But how is that gonna fit?”

For the first time in a while, as in at least six months, Bones looked mortified. He also covered his mouth with a hand while he laughed. Jim blinked a few times in confusion before Bones calmed, leaning over Jim to bestow a kiss.

Jim still didn’t understand what was funny, but he stopped caring as Bones lay him on his back. Bones fit himself between Jim’s thighs again, caressing the insides of them with slow strokes. Jim wrapped his arms around Bones’ neck as he tried to prep himself for possible pain.

Bones shifted, moved his hips forward, and the tip of his cock slid into Jim’s body. So far it was good; it didn’t sting or burn. “Keep going,” Jim said. He closed his eyes, trying to steel himself for the worst.

Obliging him, Bones slid further. It still didn’t hurt, but he definitely felt full. Bones had propped himself up on his elbows, and he made eye contact with Jim.

Jim flushed, licking his lips once. “I’m fine,” he said. “You can move. It’s fine.”

Leaning down, Bones kissed him once. Then he thrust his hips so his cock slid out of Jim, before bringing it back in. Bones established a slow rhythm, making somewhat shallow thrusts with each movement. Jim wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted or if he was doing it just to get him acclimated to the feeling, but after a few minutes he frowned.

“You can be rougher,” Jim said. “I’d prefer it, actually.”

Bones stopped. “Are you sure? I don’t want---”

“If it’s too much, I’ll tell you,” Jim said with a gentle smile. “I promise.”

“Okay,” Bones said as he kissed Jim again. This time, his body moved with far less gentleness. His pace was still slow, but he put more of his strength into it. Jim wasn’t sure what to do, so he wrapped one leg around Bones’ waist. After a few thrusts like this, Jim shifted how he lay so Bones would hit that spot he had with his fingers earlier. It didn’t quite work; Bones kept coming close but barely missing it.

Jim sighed, not sure of what to do. What Bones was doing felt good, but Jim knew it could feel even better. “Can we...can I be on top, Bones?”

Bones didn’t answer with words, opting instead to roll them so he lay on his back with Jim straddling his hips. His cock had stayed buried within Jim during the move, and Jim let out a small noise as it managed to push against the spot.

His hands stroking Jim’s thighs, Bones looked up at him with a half-smile. “You can move,” he said. “I want you to.”

Jim experimented, rocking back and forth on Bones’ lap to make his cock hit that spot again. He ground his hips down, moving his torso backwards and forwards. It worked, Jim starting a rhythm of his own that brought him pleasure.

“This is better,” Jim panted. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Bones laughed. One of his hands shifted in between Jim’s legs, his fingers going for Jim’s clit. He rubbed it in time with Jim’s body, and Jim’s thighs shook on both sides of his hand.

“Oh, oh,” Jim said. He arched his back, head turning towards the ceiling, eyes drifting shut. “Yes, that. Do that.”

Bones chuckled, his free hand touching one of Jim’s breasts. Jim felt another orgasm start its approach, the trembling of his thighs gaining intensity. A few more strokes of Bones’ fingers, a few more rocks, and Jim came with a high-pitched keen.

His hands struggled to take hold of something, and his eyes were closed so he didn’t see what it was that he grabbed. He made more of those keening sounds as he came down from the endorphin rush.

The sound of fabric rustling caught his attention, but when he opened his eyes, Bones was sitting up. He held Jim’s hands in his, letting go to wrap them around Jim’s waist. An almost pained look was on Bones’ face, and Jim realized with speed what the problem was.

“Do it,” Jim said. “Do it; come for me, Bones. Take it.”

It was all the encouragement that Bones needed, as he began to thrust wildly up into Jim. He moved with such strength that Jim bounced up and down on his lap, making a moan with each thrust. Jim clung to Bones’ back to keep steady.

It only took about a minute, but Bones made a loud noise like a growl as he stilled. Jim felt something hot and wet splash up into him, which elicited another moan. Bones panted into Jim’s neck.

Jim looked down at him with a smile. “Well, that went better than I expected.”

Bones brushed his sweaty hair off his forehead. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jim said as he shakily tried to get off of Bones. His legs didn’t want to cooperate at first, but he eventually got it. He flopped into lying on his side. “You’re really good at this.”

Bones lay facing him. He reached one hand out to stroke Jim’s face. “The pleasure was all mine, darlin’.”

Jim blushed. “I think it was mostly mine this time, technically.”

Bones chuffed out a small laugh. He pulled Jim close, kissing him on the forehead. Jim folded himself into Bones’ arms with a sweet smile.

“This was really great,” Jim said into his throat.

“Are you sore at all or tender?” Bones asked.

Jim shifted back and forth. “No, but I might be in the morning.”

“I’ll take a look when we wake up then,” Bones said.

“It’s your day off tomorrow, right?” Jim asked as sleepiness began to overtake him. A small yawn managed to escape.

“Yeah, but I’m going in to work on changing you back,” Bones said. “I can’t really afford time off until you’re back to normal.”

Jim sighed. “I want you to stay here tomorrow. You need to rest, burning the candle at both ends won’t solve anything.”

“Jim---”

“What?” Jim said. “I’m not ordering. I’m just saying, resting won’t kill either of us. I’m in good health aside from the one issue, and you are too. I’d rather you stay that way. I know you, Bones, you push yourself too hard when there’s a crisis. This isn’t technically a crisis. It’s weird, but it’s not dangerous. Keep your day off, spend it with me. We’ll lie in bed, we’ll eat, we’ll talk, and we’ll fuck. You can’t tell me that’s not a great idea.”

Sighing, Bones shook his head a few times. “I really think I should go in at least for part of the day.”

Jim shoved him in the chest. “No.”

“You just said you weren’t ordering me around,” Bones pointed out with a frown.

Clucking his tongue, Jim sure hoped his patented glare still worked in his female body. “I’m changing my mind. You’re staying here tomorrow. I’ll make it an official order if I have to.”

“I am pretty sure you can’t officially order me to stay in bed with you all day,” Bones said with a smirk. “The brass may have an issue with that, let alone Spock.”

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” Jim said with a grin. He reached down for the comforter, pulling it up over both of them. Then he stretched with another, much larger yawn. “This was really wonderful. Thank you, Bones.”

“I should thank you,” Bones said. “I’m very grateful.”

Jim smiled. “I am, too.” He pulled Bones in for a long, sweet kiss. Then he called to turn off the lights.

They lay in silence together for ten minutes when Jim sat up, panic-stricken.

“Bones?”

“Yeah?” Bones sounded half-asleep.

Jim looked under the comforter at his stomach. “You didn’t just knock me up, did you?”

Now it was Bones’ turn to sit up. “What?”

“Pregnant,” Jim said, still staring down at his stomach. “Am I pregnant?”

Bones wrapped an arm around Jim’s shoulders. “I got a birth control shot this afternoon, Jim. No, you’re not pregnant.”

“Oh,” Jim said.

“Yeah,” Bones said. He rubbed Jim’s back in circles with a soothing touch. “Lie back down, Jim. It’s all right.”

Bones pulled, and they both landed on their backs next to each other. Jim smiled once again, rolling over to rest his head over Bones’ heart. Jim called out to turn off the lights, and once they dimmed, he closed his eyes.

Sleep came easily.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim is awakened by a rude surprise, while Bones comes to his rescue.

It couldn’t have been later than four in the morning when Jim dreamt he sat in a puddle. It felt real, like he was wet, and he startled awake in the bed he shared with Bones.

Then Jim realized something _was_ wet. It was a pool of something between his legs. For a moment Jim thought he’d pissed himself, but then he realized that was ridiculous. He brought a hand down to feel, and yeah, something wet covered his hand.

Jim pulled it up to his face and tried to look at it in the dark. He couldn’t see shit. “Lights, thirty percent,” he said. The room lit just enough that he could see that his hand was covered in a red liquid.

A red liquid like _blood._

“Bones,” Jim said, his voice coming out like a high squeak.

Bones stirred but didn’t rouse.

“Bones,” Jim tried again. “Bones. Bones. _Bones_. _Boooooonnnnnnneeeesssssssss_.”

“For shit’s sake, what?” Bones said as he sat up.

“I’m bleeding,” Jim said, his voice still like that of Minnie Mouse. “I’m bleeding really badly.”

That caught Bones’ attention. “Lights, one hundred percent.” The room lit up, almost blindingly so, and Bones yanked the covers back. They both were greeted by a rather large, fresh bloodstain on Jim’s white sheets. It seemed to start from Jim’s crotch.

“Oh,” Bones said as he ran a hand through his hair. “This isn’t bad.”

“This isn’t bad? _This isn’t bad?_ I’m bleeding, Bones! I’m bleeding from my vagina!” Jim flailed out of the bed, doing a little dance in front of it. The blood started to drip down his thighs in response, which freaked him out even more.

Bones sighed. “Jim. What happens to most Terran women past puberty every four weeks?”

Jim continued to do his little _oh my God ew_ dance. “They bleed from their...oh.” The dancing stopped, but the expression on his face became a bit wan. “This bullshit change gave me a fucking period? I didn’t sign up for this! This is horseshit of the highest caliber!”

Bones didn’t answer right away; he simply started changing the sheets, putting the soiled ones in Jim’s fresher on a setting for deep stains. Bones picked out Jim’s blue sheets and replaced the white ones on the bed.

Then he went to Jim’s dresser and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. The t-shirt was a bit tight across his shoulders, and if Jim hadn’t been losing his mother-fucking mind, he’d have appreciated the view.

“Why are you getting dressed?” Jim asked.

“I’m running down to medical to get some things that you’ll need for the next five days or so,” Bones explained as he manipulated his hair into a less slept on mess. “Tampons, pads, painkillers, and Christine’s emergency chocolate stash. I may get a hot water bottle, too, or a heating pad. Just because you’re not cramping now doesn’t mean you won’t be in a few hours.”

“I don’t understand this,” Jim said. “Shouldn’t have there been some kind of sign? Like PMS? Shouldn’t I have had PMS?”

“Some women don’t have an issue with it,” Bones said with a shrug. “You might be one of those lucky women. It’s...well. Never mind. I’ll just go to medical.”

“‘Never mind’ what? What?” Jim stared at Bones.

Bones sighed. “It might be my fault. It’s not unheard of for rigorous...activity to start a woman’s period early.”

“You _fuckstarted_ my God damn period?” The squeaking was back, but this time it was laced with an edge of loathing.

Having the decency to cringe, Bones’ cheeks flushed a bit. “It happened to Jocelyn on our honeymoon.”

“You not only fuckstarted my period, but you have a habit of fuckstarting periods,” Jim said, dumbstruck.

“It’s happened twice! Twice is not a habit! Twice is occasional,” Bones said with some flailing of his own. He regained his composure, running a hand through his hair and thus undoing all of his hard work. “I’m sorry, Jim. I didn’t think this would happen. I’m going to go to medical and get you everything you’ll need for the next few days.”

The shit thing was Jim couldn’t stay mad at him. He looked so contrite. “Bring me all of the chocolate,” Jim said. “I don’t mean Christine’s. I mean on the ship. All of it.”

“I’ll do what I can,” Bones said.

“And I’m going to shower, because ew,” Jim said as he peered down at his blood-smeared thighs. “Is this much coming out normal? It feels like a lot.”

“It’s not abnormal,” Bones said as he took a look. “You may just be a woman with a heavy flow. Sometimes when it begins it’s heavy, but it grows lighter over the subsequent days.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jim walked towards the bathroom with his legs as tightly closed as he could get away with. “I’m in the shower. I’ll see you when you get back.”

“See you in a bit,” Bones said as he exited the premises.

Jim entered his bathroom, turning the shower water up to steaming. He lamented the lack of bathtubs on his ship. It occurred to him then that he’d be sitting in bloody water, and there went that idea. Jim jumped in the shower, wetting his washcloth and noting with dismay that it came away red from his legs and groin. 

He scrubbed and scrubbed until he was satisfied, then he figured he may was well wash his hair and shave.

He was in the process of shaving the back of his left leg when a sharp shooting pain hit his abdomen. “Owwwww,” Jim said as he doubled-over. Another longer one hit him, and he fell to his knees.

Jim sat on the shower floor, watching a trail of pink water sluice off him. It was weird--he felt fine when he first woke up. It was like because he now knew he was on the rag his body decided to be a dick about it.

Being a woman was for the fucking birds.

Jim sat in the shower until Bones came back, having heard the water to know where he was. Bones frowned, turning the water off. “Are you okay?”

“I feel like my insides are trying to consume me alive,” Jim said. “And I feel fat on top of that.”

Bones grabbed a big, fluffy towel, and wrapped it around Jim’s shoulders. “I can fix that,” he said as he kissed Jim’s forehead.

“Can you make it so this never happens again?” Jim said. “Because I need this to never happen again.”

“Working on it,” Bones said. Jim was wrapped like a burrito, and Bones picked Jim up bridal-style, carrying him back to his bed. Laid on it were Jim’s favorite Buckeyes t-shirt, thick flannel pants, and a pair of Jim’s briefs.

Jim curled up into a ball on the bed. “Ugh.”

“I took the liberty of putting a pad in your underwear,” Bones said. “We’ll deal with tampons later.”

“Or never,” Jim said. He grudgingly put on the underwear. Then the shirt. The pants he left in a heap at the foot of the bed. “I’m dying, Bones.”

Bones sighed as he walked across the room to get a large box.

“I really am this time,” Jim said as he curled up into an even tinier ball. “This is awful. This is one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. How do people do this month after month? How is the suicide rate not higher?”

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Bones said in a soothing voice. Out of the box came a cloth-covered square pad. Bones pushed a button on it before placing it low on Jim’s abdomen. It was warm to the touch, and Jim held it against where he assumed his uterus was. It went from warm to high heat, and Jim had to admit it helped the pain a little.

Bones also grabbed a covered something and put it in front of Jim with a fork. He opened it, and it was a piece of a decadent-looking six-layer chocolate cake. The pain was almost mitigated by the cake’s appearance.

Almost.

Jim grabbed the fork and sat up as best he could manage with the heating pad on. Bones put all the pillows behind him, fluffing them up so Jim would be comfortable. Jim took a bite of the cake; a pleased sound escaped past his lips as the rich chocolate flavor hit his tongue.

“Where did you get this?” Jim said as he took a second, larger bite.

“I have my ways,” Bones said with a shrug. “It’s all yours. I have real breakfast food, too, if you’re still hungry after the cake.”

“You’re a Godsend,” Jim said around another mouthful. “I don’t understand at all how Jocelyn left you. You’re amazing.”

“Jocelyn wouldn’t let me do things like this,” Bones answered. “She’s very stoic. She hates being fawned over. I’d do little things with her because that was really all she allowed.”

“Doomed from the start then,” Jim said. He’d polished off half the slice. “Can I have the regular breakfast stuff? I want to save the rest of this for later.”

“Sure,” Bones said. He grabbed a paper bag from next to the bed. “I wasn’t sure what you’d want, so I got a bit of everything.”

Out came a platter with pancakes and scrambled eggs, two breakfast sandwiches, and a side container of bacon. Jim lunged for the bacon and a sandwich.

“I feel like garbage, but I also feel like I can eat the entire ship,” Jim said as he unwrapped the foil. He bit into a biscuit with ham, cheese, and egg, alternating between bites of that and the bacon.

“That’s normal,” Bones said. “In addition to chocolate, you may also want red meat or salty things like fries. Every woman’s different.”

Jim swallowed. “Steak would be amazing. So amazing. So good.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Bones said with a chuckle as he ate the second sandwich. Jim finished his and was still working on the bacon.

“Thanks, Bones,” Jim said. “I’m glad you were here to help me deal with this. Otherwise I’d have been horrified.”

Bones gave Jim a long look.

“Okay, _more_ horrified,” Jim said with a frown. “It’s pretty horrific, all told.”

“I’m told the first time can be a bit traumatizing,” Bones admitted. “Having never experienced it myself, I really can’t say in either direction. But as you pointed out, I’ve been married to a woman of childbearing age. Between that and my profession, I’m desensitized.”

Jim shifted to adjust the heating pad. The cramps were abating bit by bit, though he still had them. “I’ve hardly dealt with this, to be honest. I never dated anyone long enough to encounter their cycle. Though I suspect some of the times I asked a woman out, and she said she wasn’t feeling well, it meant she had her period.”

“Probably,” Bones said. “Some women are hit harder than others.”

“How hard am I hit, do you think?” Having finished eating, Jim curled back up into a ball. The pad in his underwear adjusted to fit the way he lay, but he still fret for a second about leaking.

“Your flow seems on the heavy side,” Bones said. “Your cramps are a hard thing to tell because I can’t physically feel them. Plus since this situation is new to you, you may think they’re worse than they are.”

“I really do feel awful,” Jim said, his tone petulant. “I’m not imagining this.”

“I didn’t mean to imply that,” Bones said. “I mean that you have no real basis for comparison.”

“I’d rather have a hernia,” Jim said. “I wasn’t kidding; it feels like my uterus is trying to tear me apart.”

Bones moved closer, arranging them so Jim’s head lay in his lap. He stroked Jim’s hair with slow touches, and in spite of the pain and general ickiness, Jim smiled. “I can give you some pain meds. I think I found something that will work on you.”

“I’m only allergic to opiates,” Jim pointed out. “Opiates, cortisone, and that nightmare vaccine.”

“True, but you metabolize medications startlingly quick,” Bones said. “I had to come up with something that would actually last on you in addition to taking the edge off the pain.”

“Let me have it please, because I want to go back to sleep,” Jim said.

Bones pulled a few hyposprays out of his pants pocket. He rubbed a spot on Jim’s neck before injecting him. The cramps eased up, and Jim sighed with relief.

“Thanks,” Jim said. He dove back under the covers, curling up into a ball. “You can join me if you want.”

“Maybe in a bit,” Bones said. “I uploaded my notes about the change to your PADD. I’m gonna spend some time with those, see if there’s anything I may have missed.”

“Just don’t leave,” Jim said. “Be here when I wake up.”

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be, darlin’,” Bones said as he stroked Jim’s hair again. He called out to dim the lights, leaving for the living room. Jim sat in his nest of blankets marveling at how much better he felt thanks to the drugs and Bones’ sweet gestures.

He fell asleep, dreaming of a summer day on a lake with Bones. When Jim awoke several hours later, it was because of Bones saying something into his communicator. Jim stirred, burrowing back under the covers as Bones padded into the room.

“Jim?”

“I’m up,” Jim said as he shifted into a sitting position. “What’s going on?”

“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news,” Bones said. “Which do you want first?”

“Good,” Jim said.

“Well, Spock has determined that the nanobots are the reason for the change as we predicted,” Bones said. “And I’ve determined they won’t hurt you.”

“Awesome,” Jim said. “What’s the bad?”

“We don’t know the reason for it,” Bones said. He sat near Jim’s feet. “We’re still working on translating exactly what that pool is, but Spock had a water sample, and the nanobots are in it. There has to be some kind of purpose behind it, but until we know that we can’t figure out how to reverse the change.”

Jim nodded. It wasn’t the worst news he could receive, but it wasn’t good either. Though who knew how long that would take?

“Spock is lighting a fire under Chankar to get the big picture,” Bones said. “So hopefully within the next few days we’ll have our answer.”

“Okay,” Jim said. He crawled towards Bones, draping himself over his lap. Bones smiled as he ran his hands over his back.

“How are your cramps?”

“They’re a non-entity,” Jim said. “Whatever that was you gave me, it works.”

“It should last eight hours, so I’ll give you more this afternoon,” Bones said. “Are you hungry at all?”

“Not really; I’m still full from breakfast.” Jim purred on Bones’ lap, he was so content.

“Well, I had lunch beamed in when you’re ready for it,” Bones said. “I’m glad you’re not too disappointed. I was afraid you’d be upset.”

“It wasn’t the worst possible outcome,” Jim said as his eyes drifted shut. One of Bones’ hands stroked the junction where Jim’s neck and shoulder met. “The worst possible outcome is ‘these things are eating your organs and feasting on your cells, Jim’.”

“True,” Bones said. “You should probably go to the bathroom and change your pad. Your flow is pretty heavy.”

“I want to stay here, though,” Jim said. “I want to cuddle more.”

“I can’t really argue too much,” Bones said. “But in a bit…”

“I’ll do it,” Jim said. “Don’t want to be leaky.”

“No problem,” Bones said. His hand moved to Jim’s hair, and Jim sighed as he shifted closer. Quiet humming came from Bones as Jim debated falling back asleep. The song soothed Jim as he contemplated never moving again.

After about twenty minutes, Jim sat up. “I better go to the bathroom,” he said as he got off the bed to grab the box of pads Bones brought earlier.

“I should get back to what I was doing,” Bones said. “I want to double-check that those bots aren’t harming you. We can’t be too careful.”

“Okay,” Jim said as he walked into the bathroom. “I’ll come join you.” He closed the door behind him, carting the box to the toilet. It held a variety of different types of pads, and Jim picked one of the big ones for heavy flows. Jim pulled down his underwear and sat on the toilet.

The pad he wore previously looked like a murder scene.

“Bones?”

It took a second, but the bathroom door opened, and Bones stepped in.

“What are these dark chunky things? Are they bad?” Jim held the pad out so Bones could inspect it. Fortunately, he knew that Bones wouldn’t gag.

“No, they’re just...for lack of a better explanation in lay terms...clots,” Bones said. “The lining of your uterine wall is comprised of both fluid and tissue. Those pieces are the tissue.”

“Ah okay,” Jim said as he took the pad back. He wadded it up to put in his bathroom’s recycler. “That was all I needed.”

“You didn’t panic this time,” Bones said as he leaned against the counter while Jim did his business.

“Had you said something was wrong, I’d have panicked,” Jim said. “This is just a bit gross, is all.”

Done, Jim flushed and threw the pad out. He washed his hands in his sink before turning with a grin to Bones. “You said lunch was here?”

“Yup,” Bones said as they walked back into the common area of Jim’s room. On his table sat trays; Bones lifted one to reveal a grilled cheese sandwich with a cup of tomato soup.

“If only it were raining,” Jim said as he sat. “That was the best in SF.”

“Yeah,” Bones said as he grabbed his own food.

They ate in silence, enjoying the hot lunch. Jim managed to finish his grilled cheese and most of the soup; feeling proud of himself, he put his tray in the recycler. Bones was right behind him, and they moved to the couch. Jim sat at one end sideways, his legs bent at the knees to plant his feet on the middle cushion. Bones sat at the other end with the PADD, his eyes focused on the screen as he went over his notes.

Jim grabbed the remote for his entertainment console, turning it to play music. He set the station to a soft contemporary one and put the volume at an unobtrusive level to not disturb Bones.

They sat like this for the better part of an hour, but Jim got bored. He wanted Bones to pay attention to him and be entertaining.

He also wanted sex. It had been stellar the night before, and Jim craved more of it. He scooted over on the couch, sitting in the middle seat with his thigh next to Bones’. “Whatcha doing?”

“Reviewing my notes to make sure there’s nothing there I missed,” Bones answered without looking up. “I’m determined to be as thorough as possible to ensure you’re healthy.”

“Thanks,” Jim said with a smile. He ran his bare foot up Bones’ calf, though since Bones wore sweatpants still he didn’t make contact with his skin. Bones hummed and gave Jim an appreciative glance before turning back to his work.

Jim’s eyes narrowed for a second before they went back to normal. Undeterred, he shifted closer to Bones, running a hand over the nape of his neck. Bones made a pleased noise in the back of his throat.

“Bones,” Jim said with a smile. “Don’t you want to put that down?”

“For what?” Bones asked without looking up.

“For me,” Jim said with his best _come-hither_ stare.

That diverted Bones from the PADD, and he gave Jim a long look. “Are you sure? You weren’t happy this morning.”

“I’m fine now,” Jim said with a smile. “The surprise has worn off. We can go in the shower to keep things from getting messy. And I’m not going to be celibate for three to six days, not when someone like you is around.”

Bones snorted, but the smile on his face told Jim he didn’t really mind. He put the PADD on the coffee table and gave Jim a thorough kiss on the lips. “What are we waiting for, then?” he said as he took Jim into the bathroom, closing the door behind them.

The soundproofing got tested that afternoon.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Bones go on another date, but this one gets interrupted by Pike and Cartwright.

The next few days went by without incident, and the _Enterprise_ docked at the Starbase per its orders. The crew was thrilled, because this meant a few days to get off ship and relax. Jim’s packages were beamed into his quarters, and he went through his new stuff with eagerness. He picked out the long blue dress and metallic sandals.

But the bra and underwear were puzzling.

“Bones?” Jim asked as he held the nude bra up like it would bite him.

Bones stared at him. “Haven’t you ever watched a woman put one on?”

“No, I watched them take them off plenty,” Jim said. “If the hooks are in the back, how can I see them to fasten them?”

“Jocelyn usually hooked hers in front and then turned it around,” Bones said with a shrug. He pulled a uniform shirt on over his undershirt.

“Ah okay,” Jim said. He pulled off the shirt he slept in, grabbing the bra and putting it around him backwards. Once he ensured it wasn’t inside out, he fastened the two hooks before pulling it so they slid to his back. Jim slid his arms through the straps, and voila. He wore a bra for the first time ever.

Now Jim held up a nude lace thong and a pair of nude boyshorts. His period had ended the day before, so he felt safe that they wouldn’t get stained. “You pick,” he said as he held them up to Bones.

Bones gave him another look. “Why am I picking out your underwear? Wear the ones you like best.”

“I like them equally,” Jim said with a frown. “Which ones are sexier to you?”

“The lace, I guess,” Bones said.

“Okay,” Jim said. He pulled the briefs off before figuring out which was the front of the thong. “I hope this doesn’t suck.”

“I doubt Nyota would have helped you buy shitty underwear,” Bones said as he fastened his boots.

Jim pulled on the thong, adjusting it so it lay comfortably. “Well?” He spun around twice, stopping when he faced Bones.

The same Bones who looked like he had swallowed his tongue.

Smirking, Jim walked up to him. He put his hands on Bones’ broad shoulders. “You’re drooling,” he said in a sultry voice.

Bones coughed, turning bright red. “I’m sure you can surmise that I like them.”

“You want to tear them off me with your teeth,” Jim said with a grin.

“We don’t have time for that,” Bones said with a prolonged sigh.

“True,” Jim said as he kissed him hard. Bones wrapped his arms around him, holding them flush together. Jim broke the kiss and finagled his way out of the embrace. “Think about that all day today, and ravish me tonight.”

“Asshole,” Bones said with a low growl.

Jim blew him a kiss as he finished getting dressed. The dress fit like a glove, and Jim bent down to fasten the sandals. When he stood up, Bones regained his normal coloring and demeanor.

“Ready to go?” Bones asked.

“Yup!” Jim held out a hand, and Bones took it to escort him out of the quarters and into the transporter room.

Scotty gave them a quick glance before double taking. He walked over with a frown. “Lass, you can’t---”

Jim sighed, remembering that Scotty wasn’t in the transporter room when he beamed back from his accident. “It’s me, Scotty. I’m the captain. I’m Jim.”

Scotty blinked like an owl. “What?”

“He’s telling the truth,” Bones said. “I’ll vouch for him. This is James T. Kirk.”

Scotty stared at Jim with his mouth open like a dead fish for a while before shrugging and going back to normal. “Ah okay. Well, Captain, I’ll beam you both down.”

Jim’s left eyebrow rose into his hair. “You don’t have any questions? Like how is this possible?”

Scotty shrugged. “With all the time travel and evil despots frozen in carbonite, you becoming a woman really isn’t that big of a deal.”

Fair enough.

Jim let go of Bones’ hand, and they stood next to each other on the pad. Scotty worked his magic, the _Enterprise_ disappeared, and they stood in the base’s transporter pad located at its center.

“Ah good,” Jim said. “It’s crowded but not too much so.”

“No worries,” Bones said as they walked together down the main hall to the base’s dining options. Much of Jim’s crew were already present, enjoying the bars and shops the base offered before they went further into deep space. There was a quiet little bistro at the south end that Bones was taking Jim to on their second real “date.”

Never mind they spent every waking moment together, except for when Bones and Spock worked on reversing Jim’s transformation of course. But Bones insisted on taking Jim out to a real restaurant, and Jim was hard-pressed to argue.

The host saw them to a quiet table in the back, lit by a flickering candle. Bones perused the wine list, and Jim took in the ambience. It was intimate and a bit dark, but Jim liked being there with Bones.

The food all looked good, too.

Jim was eyeing the bread-less BLT when Bones cleared his throat. “What’s up?” He turned behind him, realizing Bones’ eyes were aimed over his shoulder.

Admiral Cartwright sat two tables behind them with Christopher Pike. Cartwright sat with his back to them with Pike facing Bones, and Jim sighed, shaking his head a few times.

“Let’s just ignore them and eat,” Jim said after a minute. “I’m starving, and I don’t want to explain things right now.”

“Sure,” Bones said as he turned back to the menus. “Do you want an appetizer?”

“Bread-less BLT,” Jim said with a grin. “Who doesn’t love bacon? I don’t want to know the person that doesn’t.”

“He’s your First Officer,” Bones deadpanned as he looked at the entrees. “The deconstructed duck pastrami Reuben looks good…”

“The New York strip is calling my name,” Jim said with a sigh. Fresh steak sounded heavenly.

“Then I’ll order a bottle of red,” Bones said. “The Zorzal Malbec sounds appealing.”

“Awesome,” Jim said as their server appeared. They gave their orders, and she took off. Jim sat, taking a long sip of water in his glass when Pike came over to their table.

“Doctor McCoy,” Pike said with a warm smile. “I heard rumors the _Enterprise_ was here.”

Bones glanced at Jim for a second before standing to shake Pike’s hand. “Always nice to see you, Admiral,” Bones said.

Pike spared a look at Jim before taking a second, longer look. Flushing, Jim examined his place setting as his mentor bore holes in his face with his eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met,” Pike said as he extended a hand to Jim. “Christopher Pike.”

“We’ve met, actually,” Jim said in a glum voice. “You gave me your ship.”

For the first time since Jim met him, Pike looked shocked by something. His eyes widened and his mouth hung open. Before either of them could say anything, Pike pulled up a chair from the next table and sat in it backwards. “Jim Kirk?” he said in a whisper.

“Yeah, hi,” Jim said with a slow sigh. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“How is this possible? What happened?”

“Nanobots,” Bones said as the server brought their wine along with two glasses. “We’re working on changing him back, but it’s a bit slower than I’d prefer. Once we figure out what triggered it, we’ll be alright.”

“Fair enough,” Pike said. He gave Jim another look. “Are you doing okay?”

“For the most part,” Jim said. “Bones has been helping a great deal,” he added with a brilliant smile at Bones. Bones favored him with a sweet smile of his own, and Jim felt his face warm from the attention.

It didn’t escape Pike’s notice, and he opened his mouth to question before deciding against it. “I know nothing,” he said. “Especially not in light of certain rules about fraternization.”

“You’re married to Number One,” Jim couldn’t help but point out.

“She’s on her own ship,” Pike said with a good-natured sigh.

“She wasn’t a few years ago,” Jim said in a singsong, causing Bones to chuckle as he took a sip of wine.

“Pipe down,” Pike said with a longer, deeper sigh. “I’ll hear nothing more about this.”

Jim smirked, taking a long drink of the wine. It was good wine, not too tannic for his taste. Jim gave Bones a thumbs up as Pike stood from his procured seat.

“You’re definitely you, I can tell by the shit-eating grin,” Pike said with a snort. “I’ll let you two get back to your date. Enjoy the break, gentlemen.”

“Thank you, Admiral,” Bones said.

Jim gave Pike a smart salute. “See ya.” Pike went back to his table, and Jim breathed a sigh of relief. “At least he believed me,” he said with a frown.

“Hasn’t everyone so far?” Bones asked.

“I don’t know, I was worried the brass wouldn’t,” Jim said. “Maybe I should have told him not to say anything…”

“He’s pretty good about not running off at the mouth,” Bones said. “I don’t think you have to worry.”

“You’re probably right,” Jim said. The smile he wore was one of relief. “Let’s enjoy our meal, then get home. You said you’d take off my underwear with your teeth.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Bones said with a grin. “I did promise, after all.”

Jim’s stomach filled with anticipation just like it always did when Bones sounded like that. He sounded rough, like he couldn’t wait to get Jim alone and pounce. Jim had experienced similar comments from past lovers, but it was so different with Bones.

He liked it when Bones pounced.

They ate together with companionable conversation over the soft music in the bistro. It was wonderful and romantic, and Jim decided that even if sex didn’t happen when they got home, it was a perfect day.

Pike and Cartwright ended their meal when Jim and Bones were halfway through eating, and Pike stopped to say goodbye. Cartwright looked impatient and stuffy with his chest-puffed out and a snide expression, but Jim focused on Pike instead of the sour-faced Admiral.

“Nice seeing you again, McCoy,” Pike said as he shook his hand. “And nice...meeting your lovely date.”

Jim bit back a snort.

Cartwright frowned. “I wasn’t aware civilians are allowed on this facility.”

Sighing, Jim scratched the back of his neck. “Not a civilian,” he said.

Cartwright blinked. “Then...why aren’t you in uniform?”

Pike sighed. “Lance, if we don’t go now…”

“Just a second,” Cartwright said. “I want to hear why this...lady is in civvies instead of her uniform.”

Like a dog with a God damn bone.

“Why does it matter? We’re on leave,” Bones said with a slight growl.

“You’re still on Starfleet property,” Cartwright said as he shot Bones a nasty look. “She should be dressed accordingly.”

“I don’t have one,” Jim said with a pointed look at Bones. “I mean, I have one. I have a bunch. But none of them fit any more due to recent...circumstances.”

Pike cleared his throat. “Lance?”

“So why didn’t you get new ones?” Cartwright said, not budging.

“Well, I just look so pretty in this shade of blue,” Jim said with a bat of his eyelashes. “I don’t favor the gold as much, wouldn’t you agree?”

Bones shook his head and sipped his wine.

Pike definitely snickered before pretending to clear his throat. “Come on, Lance,” Pike said. “We have that meeting to lead.”

“Not after that bit of insubordination,” Cartwright said, his tone like venom.

Jim favored Bones with a sheepish grin before turning back to Cartwright. “What are you going to do? Bump me down in rank? Send me to mast? I have legitimate medical reasons for not having a uniform that fits, it’ll never stick.”

“H...She does, in fact, have medical reasons for not being in uniform,” Bones chimed in.

“Stay out of this, Lieutenant-Commander,” Cartwright said, spewing acid at Bones. “Or you’ll both go to mast.”

“Meh,” Jim said. “It’ll never stick.”

“Listen, missy,” Cartwright said, causing Jim to recoil like he was slapped. “I don’t tolerate lower ranking smartasses on Earth or on my ships. I’m not going to tolerate some Starfleet floozy talking back to me in public because she felt like skirting the rules.”

“Hold on a minute,” Pike said at the same time Bones stood up.

Jim was still too shocked to react. Did Cartwright really think talking to a woman like that was acceptable? It didn’t matter that the rank was lower, he really thought speaking to anyone like that was okay?

Pike had grabbed Cartwright’s arm, pointedly hard enough that the older Admiral winced. “We need to go. Now.” He smiled tersely at Bones. “Enjoy the rest of your meal, McCoy. Kirk.”

“Kirk?” Cartwright asked as Pike steered him bodily out the bistro.

The silence they left behind them was profound. Jim blinked a few times before giving Bones an odd look as he sat back down. “What?”

Frowning, Jim tilted his head to one side. “Why did you stand up? What were you going to do just now?”

“Knock his fool blockhead off,” Bones said with a shrug.

“What? Why?” Jim said. “I would have handled it.”

“You were too offended,” Bones said. “And I don’t tolerate anyone speaking to women the way he just did you. Never have. Never will.”

“I’m not a woman, though,” Jim said. “I’m me. Just dressed differently. You’ve never done that before; you always let me handle things myself. In fact you often told me if I wanted to get my head bashed in, you wouldn’t stop me.” Jim placed both of his hands on the table so he wouldn’t ball them into fists. “What is different now?”

“The fact that we’re dating is a fairly big difference,” Bones said.

Jim balled his hands into fists anyways. “So, what? This is some stupid caveman thing you’re doing?”

Bones paused in the middle of cutting up part of his meal. He looked back up at Jim, and whatever he saw in Jim’s face made his eyes widen. “You’re angry at me? Why on Earth are you angry at me? Cartwright was the asshole just now, not me.”

“Take your benevolent chauvinism chivalry shit, and shove it up your ass,” Jim said with a dagger-edged glare. “I don’t need defending from assholes. Not because physically I’m a woman, not because we’re dating, not for any reason ever. _Capisce_?”

Bones didn’t glare at Jim or storm out, which Jim was mildly surprised at. He seemed lost in thought, his eyes churning and dark. “Do you really think I’m doing that to you?” he said when he finally spoke. His voice was quiet, reflective.

“Yes,” Jim said. “You’ve been doing things this whole time, like holding doors and shit. Knock it off.”

“I can’t just knock it off, Jim,” Bones said. “It’s how I was raised. My Momma would yell at me if I didn’t hold doors for a lady.”

“I. Am. Not. A. Lady.” Jim pointed at Bones at the end of every word for emphasis. “I look like one, but I’m not one!”

Bones tilted his head to one side. “Are you really angry at me, or am I just here for you to take it out on?”

Jim sat there for a good five minutes before he said, “Yes?”

“A little of both then,” Bones said as he ate a piece of his reuben. “I stood up for you because you couldn’t for yourself, you were obviously too stunned. But if you want me to never do anything like it again, I won’t.”

“Did you really do it because of that or because I look like this?” Jim said with a gesture at his dress. His anger had fled, having been replaced by uncertainty and worry Bones would storm out.

“It’s probably both,” Bones said. “But he had no right to speak to you that way regardless. My protective streak took over; I see now that I should have reined it in.”

Jim picked at his potatoes.

Bones looked at him a long time, so long Jim knew his food had to be cold by that point. “Do you really hate me for doing that?”

Jim looked up with wide eyes. “I don’t hate you! I just...I don’t like feeling helpless. I like knowing I can handle things myself, and you sort of took that from me for a minute.”

Bones reached out, taking Jim’s hands in his. “That’s the last thing I wanted. I just didn’t think, Jim. I’m sorry, I’ll try to not do it going forward.”

“Thanks,” Jim said with a watery smile. “I know what I look like, but I promise I don’t need protecting.”

“I’ll do my best to remember that,” Bones said with an answering shaky smile of his own.

Jim’s smile brightened. “I think this was our first fight.”

“Yeah, it was,” Bones said. “As a couple, right?”

“Yeah,” Jim said. “As a couple.”

“Then yes,” Bones said. “It was bound to happen.”

Jim grinned. “Ah well. Considering the shit we say at each other while on duty, it’s not that much of a surprise.”

Snickering, Bones went back to his meal. They finished their entrees and had a flourless chocolate cake for dessert. The day was light again, and after dinner, they went back to the ship.

And Bones did in fact remove the thong with his teeth.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has some unfortunate encounters on the starbase, but then his problem gets solved.

The next few days were spent having fun, and Jim really enjoyed the break. It was nice to be out of his quarters, away from his self-exile. It was nice for him to be out and about among his crew, even if the bulk of them had no idea who he was.

Bones elected to stay on the ship to work with Spock on reversing the change that day and Jim felt bold enough to do some shopping on his own. He strolled through the base’s marketplace, looking for a gift for Bones.

Bones was a difficult person to shop for under normal circumstances, as he primarily was all about practical things like appliances and car parts. Everything Bones would normally want felt wrong to Jim, wrong and borderline cold. He wanted something more romantic in feeling for his Bones, and he was hard-pressed to figure out what.

Maybe a nice pair of cufflinks.

Jim found a shop that sold them, and he entered it. The cufflinks were on display up front, and he looked through the spinning case. There was a nice pair of gold ones that could be engraved with Bones’ initials. Jim pointed them out to a helpful sales clerk, who did the engraving with a laser in seconds. He had them gift wrapped and headed out of the store.

Continuing to window shop, Jim noticed he was being followed after a few steps. Turning, he faced a Starfleet lieutenant and some buddies. Jim raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you?”

“What’s your name, sweetheart?” The main guy said.

The hair on the back of Jim’s neck rose at the word _sweetheart_. “Kirk,” Jim answered, not sure why he felt compelled to even give that much.

The guy came really close, enough so to be in Jim’s personal space. “Your first name, hottie.”

Jim rolled his eyes and began to walk again. “Never mind,” he said with a second roll of his eyes.

The guy caught up to him fast, and he fell into striding next to him. “I just want your name and company,” the guy said. “I bet you’re real pretty when you smile, too.”

“I have a boyfriend,” Jim volunteered as he hoped it would get the guy to back off.

It didn’t.

Terrific.

“He doesn’t need to know,” the guy continued. “Just a couple hours alone with you, that’s all I want. Legs like yours, I mean, damn. But you know you’re hot, don’t you, sweetie?”

Jim grit his teeth. “Stop calling me things like ‘sweetie.’ I’m not your girlfriend, and I never will be.”

The guy stopped following Jim. “You don’t have to be such a cunt about it!”

If there was anything Jim hated, it was that word. He did everything in his power to not use it and hadn’t since he was twelve. He had done it in earshot of his mother, and she sat him down to give him a long lecture about gendered language. It stuck with him, so he didn’t use that word no matter how angry he got.

Realizing he couldn’t punch the dude out without causing a huge incident, Jim instead opted to turn around and flip him the bird. Then his eyes went back forward as he stormed off, head held high back to his ship.

But first, a detour.

Jim slunk into a bar, taking a seat at the actual bar top. The bartender passed him a drinks list and menu. Jim perused the drinks before settling on a cocktail made with yellow chartreuse and bourbon. The drink was served up in a martini glass, and Jim took a sip before placing it back in front of him.

A man sat to Jim’s right, and Jim sighed, staring down at his drink. Jim could feel his eyes boring holes into him.

Not again.

“You look like you’re having a bad day,” the man said with a smile. “Your next one’s on me. Anything to make a pretty lady’s day improve.”

“No, thank you,” Jim said as he took a sip. “I’m only having the one.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jim saw Lieutenant-Commander stripes on the man’s sleeves. He sighed; why was Starfleet so full of pigs?

“Please let me buy you a drink,” the man continued. “It’d make my day.”

Why was this guy acting like Jim owed him letting him buy a drink? They didn’t even know each other. Jim didn’t owe him shit.

“I have to be going,” Jim said as he downed the rest of his drink. He signaled the bartender with his credit chit for the tab. The bartender ran his chip, Jim grabbed his present for Bones, and began to walk away.

“I just wanted to do something nice for you,” the man called after him. “You don’t have to be so ungrateful.”

Jim stormed out of the bar while looking back with incredulity on his face. How was he ungrateful? He didn’t ask for him to buy him a drink. He wanted to be left alone!

He was so busy staring behind him to make sure he wasn’t being followed he knocked into someone. Both of them tumbled to the ground, and Jim shook his head a few times with agitation.

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry,” a familiar voice said. “You poor thing!”

“Carol?” Jim said as he opened his eyes.

Indeed, he had knocked into Carol Marcus. She blinked at him, a bit confused. “I’m awful at remembering faces so I apologize. I can’t recall---”

Jim cleared his throat. “I’m Jim, Carol.”

The confusion deepened before Carol realized what he meant. “Oh! Jim, I’m sorry; Christine mentioned the change, but she didn’t tell me what you actually look like...well, regardless, I’m sorry.”

Jim accepted her help as they stood together, and then he bent down and picked up his bag. Carol scrutinized Jim, looking up at him as she was several inches shorter still, causing Jim to flush from the attention.

“She mentioned that you’re pretty,” Carol said after a moment. “But she should have said gorgeous. If I didn’t know you were spoken for, I’d try enticing you to join Christine and I one night.”

That should have made him feel awesome, but after everything else it just made him feel like garbage. It seemed like Bones was the only one who cared about more than his looks all of a sudden.

The look on his face must have said it all, because Carol winced. “I’m sorry, that was rude,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“I probably wouldn’t have minded it any other time,” Jim admitted. “But not after the day I’ve had.”

Carol looped her arm through his companionably, steering him towards a coffee shop. They sat at a table across from each other, and Carol gave Jim a sympathetic look. “What’s wrong, pet?”

“Why are men such pigs all the time?” Jim said as he folded his arms on the table. Then he bent down, resting his head in the crook of them. “Why can’t I go out alone without getting hit on? I’m just minding my own business, and it’s happened twice now. Why is this a thing?”

“I don’t know,” Carol answered honestly. “I won’t tell you that you should feel flattered as it’s actually quite invasive, but I can tell you that some men take refusals like a challenge.”

“I got called a cunt,” Jim said with a forlorn tone. “I told him I’m spoken for, then he kept following me, I told him to go away, and he called me a cunt. Even at my worst, I don’t call women that. Then this guy was trying to buy me a drink, and when I refused, he called me ungrateful. _Ungrateful_. I didn’t ask him to buy me anything! I politely said no! What is wrong with people?”

“They’re arseholes,” Carol said with a shrug. “You won’t believe how many men take my lesbianism as a challenge. Like they can do me until my orientation changes. It’s ghastly.”

“I don’t want to be out by myself right now,” Jim said with a small voice. “I think I’ll lose my mind if this happens again. Or beat someone to death. Yeah, I’d probably just beat the asshole to death. I don’t think Bones understands a relationship conducted primarily in conjugal visits.”

A server came to their table, and Carol ordered them a pot of tea plus some sweets. Jim sank down in the chair without any care of being ladylike.

“I’d say if I stayed with you, it would help,” Carol said with a self-effacing smile. “However, history has proven that false. Christine and I get a lot of rudeness when we’re out on a date together.”

“Why are men so gross?” Jim said. “Like why are we so terrible all of the time? Why do we only respect other men? Why can’t we just be nice to women? What is fucking wrong with us?”

“I wish I knew the answer to that, because then I could make it change,” Carol said with a sad smile. “Alas.”

The tea and cakes arrived, and Jim took one filled with raspberry jam. He bit into it with a frown. “At least Bones is mostly not shitty.”

“That’s a ringing endorsement, now isn’t it?” Carol said with a snort.

“He’s bad at remembering I can take care of myself,” Jim said with a shrug. “We fought about it once, and he’s been better since. But a lot of it was drilled into him through his upbringing. It’ll take time for him to really improve.”

“By that time you’ll likely be back to normal,” Carol said as she helped herself to a scone with some lemon curd. “Not that being a woman is abnormal I just...well, it’s all relative, isn’t it?”

“I want to be a man again,” Jim said. He began to pick at the cake, pulling it apart into tiny crumbs. “I’m tired of this. Periods. Make up. Sexual harassment. The only good thing that’s come out of this for me is Bones.”

“Pretty significant good thing, that,” Carol said after swallowing.

“Yeah, it’s why I’m dealing with this as well as I am,” Jim said. “Anything that got me him is worthwhile in some way or other.”

“You got you him,” Carol said with a smile. “All you had to do was open your eyes.”

“I know,” Jim said. “It’s definitely something I had to see for myself. But I’m glad I did, and I can’t be too mad at the circumstances surrounding it.” He brightened before frowning. “At least, I can’t until I get called the fucking C-word.”

“It is a really terrible name to be called,” Carol said. “I got it a lot in University.”

“What? Why?” Carol was one of the least offensive people he’d ever met.

“Because I had the audacity to be a woman in a STEM field,” Carol said with a shrug. “I was one of two women, and my scores tended to be the highest. My male cohorts didn’t much care for it.”

“That never even occurred to me,” Jim admitted. “Like not even at the Academy. If I got beat on an exam, it just told me to work harder. It never occurred to me to call the person names. Except Tikhonov because fuck that guy.”

“I wasn’t in his class, but I’ve heard stories,” Carol said as she added two sugars to her tea. “Something about chickens in his quarters.”

“I only wish they had pecked his eyes out,” Jim said. “Aside from despots and tyrants, I’ve hated few people more than that douche.” Carol opened her mouth to reply, but before she could, Jim’s communicator beeped insistently. Jim flipped it open. “Kirk here.”

 _Jim?_ came Bones’ voice. _Can you come to my office? We’ve got something big._

“Big how?” Jim said. Had they solved his problem?

 _We know how to fix you,_ Bones answered. _Come to Sick Bay, Chankar is here to explain._

Jim shot out of his chair, almost but not quite bolting out of the shop. He paused long enough to favor Carol with an apologetic smile. She grinned back, waving him away. He took that as the sign it was and bolted back to the base’s transporter pad, having the techs beam him right into Sick Bay. Unable to slow down any, Jim sprinted into Bones’ office, where Spock, Bones, and Lieutenant Aarti Chankar greeted him.

Bones gestured for Jim to take a seat, but Jim waved him off and stood before his officers imperious. “Tell me what I need to do.”

Spock and Chankar exchanged a look before Chankar smiled at him. She was one of the ship’s anthropologists and fluent in almost as many languages as Nyota.

Almost.

“So, sorry about the time this took,” Chankar began with a sunny smile. “But the language was a bit tricky. Regardless, the pool you fell into wasn’t just any body of water. It was a ritual bathing pool for the Samarans.”

“Okay,” Jim said, confounding in his voice.

“Turns out, they had a lot of issues with keeping their population up,” Chankar continued. “They’d go through decades with primarily male births, then decades with only females. They almost died out several times because they didn’t have enough of both sexes to propagate their species.”

Jim didn’t speak that time, just gestured for her to continue.

“They found a work around,” Chankar said. “When the proportion of men to women went out of balance, volunteers of the more dominant (population wise, I mean) sex would bathe in the pool and undergo a ritualistic change. They would then repopulate their species, changing back once things had stabilized. Well, they’d change back if they wanted to, I should say. It’s actually very fascinating; while Terrans recognize gender fluidity, they don’t recognize sex fluidity. The Samarans had sex fluidity, and it was perfectly acceptable. The people who underwent the change were revered, even honored in some cases. It was a highly desirable thing to do.”

“The nanobots,” Jim said. Could it really be that simple?

“Basically,” Chankar continued. “The change is triggered by there being a population of mostly one sex. The team you beamed down with, aside from myself and three other women, was fifteen men. So if you beam down with only women and swim in the pool again…”

“The change will be triggered, and I’ll revert back to being a man,” Jim said in disbelief. He turned to Spock. “How long before we can get back there?”

“Five days,” Spock answered. “Provided we stay in the safe parameters of warp travel.”

“What if I have Sulu push it?” Jim asked. He was almost free.

“Three,” Spock said. “Though the ship’s integrity---”

“Right,” Jim said. “I’m going to the bridge. Page all the crew to come back on board immediately. I’m sorry I’m cutting their time off short, but---”

“They’ll understand,” Bones said. “This isn’t a little deal, Jim. You’ll be able to get your body back.”

“I’ll go up to the bridge right now,” Jim said. “I’m so...thank you.” He grabbed Chankar, pulling her into a hug. “Thank you!”

“Oh my,” Chankar said with red cheeks. “It’s the first time a captain’s hugged me. Sorry.”

Jim let go of her to grab Bones, planting a long, deep kiss on him. Before either Spock or Chankar could react, he bolted up to the bridge, compelling the turbolifts to hurry as much as they were capable of. Jim stepped onto the bridge, his home away from home, taking a deep breath to absorb the atmosphere.

He’d missed it.

Sulu and Chekov were at their stations, playing some kind of computer sim. Chekov was apparently losing, but laughed good-naturedly when Sulu scored ten points against him.

Jim cleared his throat.

The rest of the crew on the bridge was a skeleton, and Jim realized he looked highly out of place in his jeans, black t-shirt, and Chucks. Maybe he should have gotten new uniforms after all, but that gave his change a permanence that made him uncomfortable.

Regardless, he used his Captain’s voice when he said, “Call everyone back to the ship. Set a course for Samara, and we need to get there fast.”

Everyone, but especially Sulu and Chekov, stared at him.

Then Sulu did the whole look up and down “hey you’re super hot” thing and Jim rolled his eyes. “Fucking really? I’m Jim Kirk. Cut it out.”

Now Sulu looked mildly nauseous. “Oh. Sir. I didn’t...you…”

Chekov cleared his throat. “What Hikaru means is that of course we heard the rumors, but seeing it is different.”

“Sure sure,” Jim said with a sigh. “Anyways, get us back to Samara. Turns out this change is temporary after all, but I need to be back there in order to fix things. Get us there as fast as you can and as safely as you can. No need to tear the ship up.”

“Aye,” they said in unison as Chekov immediately began plotting the fastest course. Sulu took his station, pausing to make the announcement for everyone to beam back to the ship ASAP. Jim saluted, heading back to his quarters with a sigh.

Five more days at most.

He’d only endure this for five more days at the most.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has some concerns about changing back to his body.

The time went by with minimal incident. Bones still spent every free moment in Jim’s quarters, though there were less of those as he tried to prep for worst-case scenarios should the theory not hold. Jim tried not to think of what that could mean for him, because frankly he’d had enough stress since the change happened.

But Jim himself was on edge for a different reason, one that almost drove him to his knees.

It was three am ship’s standard time, and Jim lay awake with Bones’ arms around him in their bed. He stared up at his ceiling, otherwise not moving.

“Bones?”

Bones stirred.

“Bones.”

“Mmm what?” Bones said. “What’s wrong?”

“What happens in a few hours?”

“...Lights,” Bones answered as he rolled onto his side to face Jim. “I get the feeling you don’t mean the actual change part.”

Jim didn’t move, staying on his back to stare at the ceiling. “With us. What happens with us?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bones become stiff. “What do you want to happen with us?”

Jim’s hands balled into knotted shapes, his teeth worrying his lower lip.

Before he could speak, Bones did. “Let me put it this way. Nothing has to change tomorrow. It only will change if one of us wants it to.”

His mouth flattening into a line, Jim’s hands balled up even further. “Are you saying you want it to?”

“What?” Bones stared at Jim, and from the angle he was at, Jim could see his mouth had dropped in shock. “No, that’s...why would you even...what?”

The fact that Bones couldn’t form a sentence threw Jim out of his frightened daze, and he sat up. He blinked down at Bones. “I’m asking if you want to call this quits once I become a man again.”

Bones also sat up, showing Jim the combination of startled and sad in his eyes. “No.”

Jim swallowed. “No?”

“Not a chance in hell,” Bones elaborated. “Not a chance in hell would I want this to end.”

Some of the fear left Jim at this, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to speak up. He didn’t have to, though.

Bones kept going.

“I’ve spent years wanting you,” Bones said. “Years, and somehow the reality of being with you is better than I ever dreamed. You’re still the only person I want. Even though you leave your socks everywhere, you don’t think before you speak, you boss me around, and you pretend like nothing gets to you. Man, woman, doesn’t matter to me. It’s you for the rest of my life.”

Jim looked down at the sheets, his hands balled up again in the folds of the blue fabric. “I wish I could say the same, the part about knowing for years. I only just realized how I feel, and honestly, I never wanted anything permanent before you. I just didn’t think I cared for it. But then this happened, and my eyes were opened.” Jim glanced at Bones for a minute before darting his eyes back away. “It just...it was like I finally saw you for who you are. I don’t want to lose you tomorrow, Bones. The thought of that happening is scarier than the realization that I’d changed sex. So hearing what you just said reassures me in a way I haven’t been since we headed back to this planet.”

Bones reached out to him, pulling him into a tender embrace. Jim rested his chin on his right shoulder, his hands gripping Bones tight. They sat together like this for a while, words not being necessary.

“There is one thing about me changing back,” Jim said.

“What’s that?” Bones’ face appeared interested.

“Well, if I change back and we decide we want kids, we can’t have them without a lot of scientific intervention,” Jim said. “But if I stay like this…”

“No,” Bones said. “Let me stop you there. We’re not doing this. That’s a terrible reason for you to stay in a body that makes you uncomfortable.”

Jim nodded, relieved that was Bones’ answer. “Okay.”

“Besides, I’m not even sure I want kids,” Bones continued. “It’s a nice idea in theory, but in practice I don’t think it works for us. We’re too busy with shit schedules.”

“That’s true,” Jim said. His hand drifted over his stomach. “It was just a thought. We’re not beholden to it.” Bones leaned in, kissing Jim on the temple. Jim smiled and shifted closer. “Hey.”

“Hm?”

“Wanna do it one last time like this?” Jim purred with a wicked grin. “I bet it’d be fun.”

“It’s always fun with you,” Bones said with a smile. “Though I think we should sleep. Big day tomorrow, and it’s late.”

“Just one last time,” Jim said as he kissed his way down Bones’ throat. “One last time this way.”

Chuckling, Bones moved them so they lay with Jim on his back. He pulled Jim’s underwear down his legs, raising the hem of his t-shirt out of the way. Then he moved down in between Jim’s legs, his face inches away from Jim’s pussy.

“This is what you’re really after,” Bones said as he kissed his way down Jim’s stomach, before his lips dragged up his inner thighs.

Widening the gap in between his legs, Jim smirked. His hands reached up to grab the headboard. “Maybe. Not like you’ll never go down on me again after tomorrow.”

“But the way I do it now,” Bones said as he nibbled on a spot on Jim’s left thigh. The now-familiar aching between Jim’s legs started, heat coiling tightly in his stomach. “Will be impossible.”

“Yes,” Jim sighed as he leaned his head back. Bones began to work at his clit with his tongue, parting his folds with his fingers. His eyes squeezing closed, Jim let go of the headboard with one hand to fondle a breast.

After Bones got him off a record number of times, he fucked Jim long and slow. It was luxurious, perfect sex, and Jim closed his eyes a few times to commit the feel to memory. But the earlier panic began to set in anew once they finished, Jim not knowing how to push it back or explain.

Logically he knew there was no way Bones would give up on him, but his heart hadn’t gotten the memo. Jim lay awake for hours, worrying that Bones would see him as a man again and say “no thanks.”

The alarm went off and Jim hadn’t slept at all. He got up, pulling on a pair of his swim trunks, a dark colored tank top, and a grabbed a pair of his old sneakers, even though they were like boats on his current feet. He also grabbed a couple of towels.

Bones was ready as well, and he moved close to Jim. He placed his hands on his shoulders with a soft smile. Jim looked up at him with the bravest smile he could muster. It was apparently convincing because Bones kissed the corner of his lips.

“I’ll be listening on the communicators,” Bones said.

“Can’t you come down with us?” Jim said with a sigh.

Bones wrapped him into his arms, holding him tight. “I probably can as long as I’m the only male in the party.”

“Would you then?” Jim said. “I want you to be the first to see me.”

“Then I’ll come,” Bones said. “I’ll come.”

“Thanks,” Jim said. He gathered his things before they walked out of the door. They made it to the transporter room in time, and he found that the all-woman team had already gathered. They all smiled at Jim, some of them seeing him for the first time. Bones kept a hand on the small of Jim’s back as they took their places on the pad. The ten female crewmembers joined them, Scotty nodded, and off they went.

They beamed next to the pool, but fortunately not in it. Jim set his shoes and the towels by the bank as he peered down into the cool, crystalline depths. Bones grabbed one of the towels. The crew were all either medical personnel or sciences, and Jim hesitated before he dove in.

At first it seemed like nothing happened, much like the last time. But then warmth spread throughout his body from within, escalating until his arms felt stronger, and his body seemed heavier. He burst up to the surface to breathe, and when the water cleared from his eyes, he looked to Bones.

The same Bones who had a bright smile on his face.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Bones said.

His spirits soaring, Jim swam back to the bank, pulling himself out of it. Bones wrapped him in the towel, and Jim was able to look him directly in the eye without looking up or standing on tiptoes. His clothes no longer felt like they were hanging off him; they fit perfectly.

He was himself again.

“It worked,” Jim said. He held one of his hands up to his face; it was large, short nails with chipped red polish and blunt cuticles. He laughed, realizing how his voice had returned to its normal baritone instead of the contralto it had been.

“Of course it did,” Bones said. He finished drying Jim’s body, opting to towel down his hair. “Granted, I wasn’t sure either beyond blind faith.”

Jim grinned at him. “Am I really a sight for sore eyes?”

Bones’ hands cupped Jim’s face. “This is the you I first fell in love with. So yes.”

Jim smiled as his soul took flight. He leaned in, touching their foreheads together without care of propriety. He held Bones in his arms for dear life. They rested together and Jim breathed him in before kissing him.

It felt the same, kissing Bones, though Jim wasn’t sure why he expected otherwise. Lips were lips, after all. But the emotion behind it, the feelings and tenderness all were the same. In that moment, Jim knew not only that Bones was it, but that he’d always been it. It just took him a while to really see it.

The kiss ended, and Jim continued to smile at Bones. “Let’s go home.”

“You need a physical,” Bones answered. They walked together to where they beamed in.

“No pap test this time, right? Because yeugh.”

“No Jim, and I’ll go easy on you and skip the prostate exam,” Bones said.

“You better examine it all you want,” Jim said, his voice dripping with honey. “I really want you to examine it every single night.”

Bones snorted as they were beamed back. They walked to medical, Jim happily greeting crew who said hello to him on the way. He wasn’t hiding anymore, trying everything to not be noticed. He could be himself.

They made their way into an exam room, and Jim sat on the table. It was different this time, though. He didn’t feel weird or self-conscious about being looked at. Bones grabbed a tricorder and did his medical things just as he had the day of the change. He took another blood sample and gave Jim a thorough physical.

“You’re the picture of health,” he said when he wrapped up. “I suspect the nanobots are permanently in your blood, but other than that, you’re golden.”

Jim smiled. He leaned back on his hands, kicking a leg up in the air. “These rooms are soundproof, right?”

“For confidentiality reasons,” Bones said without looking up from his notes.

Jim cleared his throat. He raised up one hand, giving Bones the two fingered universal gesture for ‘come here.’ Bones rolled his eyes but put the tricorder down and stepped close. “This is wildly inappropriate,” Bones said.

“And yet you didn’t tell me to fuck off,” Jim replied. “Are there packets of lube in those drawers over there?” 

“Possibly,” Bones said with a sigh. “I can’t believe I’m even entertaining this as a notion.”

“You know you want to,” Jim said. “We’ll be quiet. No one will know.”

Bones stared at him. “You’ve obviously never heard you during sex if you think quiet is within the realm of possibility.”

Jim, who had begun to strip, glared at Bones in the process of kicking off his shoes. “Really? Just...really?”

“I’m not insulting you,” Bones clarified. “But you get really, really loud. You’re a screamer. How am I the first person to tell you this?”

Jim sighed. “I only do that when it’s good. Really good. Astronomically good.”

A pleased flush crept over Bones’ features. ”Oh.”

“Feel like a dick now, don’t you?” Jim said with an evil grin.

“Sort of,” Bones admitted. “But the point still stands that you’re not quiet when we have sex. That’ll kind of blow up in our faces.”

Jim sighed. “Fine. Then hurry up, because I really want to have sex with you. We haven’t done it with me as a man yet, and I really want to try.”

Bones smiled, leaning against the exam table. “After this, I can’t be your physician anymore.”

“Because we’re in love, I figured,” Jim said. Bones finished the physical, and Jim put on his clothing. They left medical, heading back to Jim’s quarters.

Once they were inside, Jim turned on the lights. He then, with relish, locked his door with a captain’s override. Bones laughed at him, not mockingly so, and stepped close. Before he could close the distance, Jim grabbed him. He gazed in his eyes for a long minute before pressing a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth.

Smiling, Bones didn’t ask; he just led him back to the bedroom, and Jim went willingly. He pulled Bones down with him onto the mattress, and Bones kissed him. Jim rolled them so he lay draped over top of him, only breaking the kiss to pull off his shirt. Bones looked up at him, one hand reaching out to trace Jim’s collarbone.

“Like what you see?” Jim asked, his voice getting caught in his throat.

“You’re still beautiful,” Bones answered. “You’re the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen, man or woman.”

“You too,” Jim said. He grabbed Bones’ palm, pressing a kiss to his lifeline. He bent down, kissing him on the mouth. He took advantage to divest Bones of his uniform as best he could with him lying on his back. They were bare chest to bare chest, and Bones looked at Jim like he was seeing him for the first time. It was humbling and warming all in one, and Jim committed it to memory.

The green in Bones’ eyes was alight with love and heat, and Jim wondered again at how he didn’t notice this for years. But he noticed it now, and he planned to keep on noticing it for the rest of his life.

“I love you,” Jim said.

Bones smile brightened, widened. He stared up at Jim with something akin to awe. “I love you too,” he replied. 

Jim bent down again to kiss him, full of passion. He did this for a long time, not in any hurry to move things along. Bones ran his hands over every inch of Jim that he could reach, caressing and touching. Again it came across like he was doing it for the first time, which Jim realized in a way that was true. He’d looked without touching for the better part of a decade, and they’d only gotten together a few days ago. Furthermore, he’d been a woman. It was definitely a first for Bones, to be with Jim in the body he’d fallen in love with.

Jim had planned on taking over and basically ravishing Bones, but maybe that wasn’t what Bones needed this time. It couldn’t hurt to ask. “What do you want, Bones?”

Bones’ eyes widened a bit. “What do you mean?”

“What do you want today?” Jim said. “Do you want me to...run things? Do you want to take charge? Do you even want to have sex? What do you want? Whatever it is, that’s what I’ll give you. I want to make you happy.”

Sighing, Bones didn’t answer at first. He sat and thought, and Jim stroked his hair while straddling his waist.

“What would make me happy,” Bones said. “Is anything I do with you.”

Jim smiled. “Anything?”

Bones opened his mouth to reply before shutting it. “Within reason. No skydiving. Or swimming with sharks.”

“Oh come on, sharks are like puppies,” Jim said. “Dolphins are the ones who are dicks.”

“No swimming with either then,” Bones laughed. “I don’t have a death wish.”

Jim leaned in, pressing their foreheads together. “What do you want the most right at this moment?”

“General Tso’s chicken with hot and sour soup,” Bones said without missing a beat. “But, if my options are limited to what you can do for me in this bed right this second, I’d say making love is good.”

Jim snorted. He kissed Bones twice before sliding down his body, mouth trailing down his chest and stomach. Jim undid the fly on Bones’ regulation pants, pulling them open to reveal the boxers Bones had put on that morning. They were his Ole Miss boxers, and Jim had to smile at them. The pants were kicked off along with the boots, and Jim toed off his own sneakers.

He continued to press kisses to Bones’ stomach, lavishing attention upon him the way Bones had that first night. He already knew most of Bones’ spots, but he found a new one just above his hipbone when he pulled the boxers off. Bones lay spread on the bed like a feast before Jim, and Jim intended to savor every moment of it.

Jim kissed every square inch of Bones’ body that he could reach, his hands roaming over the exposed skin. Bones’ eyes drifted shut as he moaned in response to particularly potent kisses and caresses. Jim worshipped Bones’ body with slow and languid moves, hoping the feelings he had were shown better than with those three words he said.

Jim traveled from Bones’ hips back up to his throat, resting against him chest to chest. He smiled before moving off him. Jim took off the swim trunks, tossing them somewhere across the room, and sat on his heels for a second so Bones could just look at him.

“Female anatomy doesn’t completely suck, don’t get me wrong,” Jim said. “But I’m glad I’ve got my cock again. It’s less effort.”

Propping himself up on his elbows, Bones snorted. “I never once minded, even for a second.”

“I know you didn’t,” Jim said. “This is just what I’m more comfortable with.”

“If the change had lasted longer, you’d have gotten more accustomed to it,” Bones said. “But point taken.”

With another bright smile, Jim gestured for Bones to flip over. He did, resting on all fours. Jim ran his nails down Bones’ back as slow as he could allow himself, following them with his lips. Kisses trailed down Bones’ back until Jim reached his ass, where he spread it with his fingers.

Smiling, Jim leaned forward, pressing his tongue to Bones’ hole. Bones gasped, his back arching as he gripped the sheets in his fists. Jim didn’t pause, just kept working at him with his tongue, licking the ring of muscle.

Bones made little hitching moans as Jim pressed his tongue inside of him. He searched out his prostate with it, not able to find it at first. Then he managed to push against it barely with the tip, and Bones jolted with a sharp cry. Jim stopped rimming him to grab the lube out of his nightstand drawer, opening it to slick up his fingers. He replaced his mouth with his fingers, sliding one inside. Jim found Bones’ prostate faster with his finger, and as he slid it in and out, he pressed against it.

One finger became two, then three as Jim took his time in preparing his lover. Bones shook beneath him, muttering obscenities and various other words.

The one word he kept going back to was “Please.”

Jim decided that neither of them could wait any longer, and he grabbed the lube again to slather up his cock. He held Bones by the hips, positioning himself, as he thrust forward into him.

The feeling was indescribable.

Sex between them was wonderful, but this, Jim being able to give as good as he got, was something else altogether. There were ways around it with Jim as a woman, but the thought of using a strap-on the first time with Bones upset Jim more than he cared to admit. So he never brought it up.

But now, buried within him, he didn’t have to wonder anymore. It was revelatory.

Jim thrust deep, then out. “Oh, Bones,” he said as he kept moving with deep, long strokes.

Bones reached a hand back to cover one of Jim’s on his hip. They drove together on the bed, Jim’s voice rising above Bones’ in a frenzied pitch. He didn’t accelerate his movements, determined to see it through as slow as he could muster.

Bones panted, letting go of Jim’s hand to fist his cock. Jim uttered an approval as his thrusts became so hard they shook the bed. Bones cried out, spraying the sheets with his release, Jim following only seconds behind him.

The feeling of coming, of actually spilling his seed, was something Jim hadn’t realized he missed until that moment. Orgasms as a woman were different, felt different, were more numerous...but this, the actual act of coming as a man, the feeling he had knowing he’d filled Bones with his come...he wouldn’t knock female orgasms for anything, they had their place.

But there was definitely a clear winner for Jim, and the male orgasm was it.

Spent, Jim pulled out of Bones as he pressed a dry kiss to his spine. He then, legs full of jelly, stumbled to the bathroom to get a wet washcloth. He returned and wiped Bones down thoroughly.

“How was it?” Jim asked with a bit of shaking in his voice.

Bones flopped onto his back, though careful to not be in the sticky spot he created. “Perfect,” he said when he regained the capacity for speech.

Jim clutched the washcloth. “You sure? You sure you...don’t like it the other way better?”

Bones gave Jim a long look. “I honestly don’t know what to say here that won’t put me back in my own lonely quarters.”

In spite of himself, Jim laughed.

Bones sat up in front of Jim, pulling him into his arms. “This is what I always dreamed of, but you as a woman is how I first got to be with you. They’re both equally important to me, and thus I legitimately can’t pick which I like better. More to the point, both ways involved being with _you_. I can’t choose because there is no choice here; it was all being with you.”

The answer Jim thought he wanted (“No dude it’s way better with you as a man”) gave way to the answer he actually _needed_. Jim smiled, bright and shining, as he dropped the soiled washcloth. “Oh. Well. You’re not banished to your room.”

Bones snorted.

“You really are mostly not shitty,” Jim continued.

Bones rolled his eyes. “Gee. Thanks.”

Jim sighed, wanting to slap himself. “What I meant to say is that...you’re wonderful. You’re wonderful, and I am really new to relationships because I have no idea how to tell you that you’re wonderful without fucking it up.”

One of Bones’ hands stroked down Jim’s back. He smiled, though, which made Jim smile in response. “Okay. Well, you’re wonderful too.”

“Duh,” Jim said. “I mean, duh. Everyone knows that.”

Sighing a little, Bones bit back a retort. “You’re ridiculous, but I knew that going into this.”

“I’m no more ridiculous than...” Not able to come up with anything suitable, Jim frowned. “Okay, fine. I’m ridiculous.”

“Nice of you to finally admit it,” Bones said. “Now I don’t have to pretend otherwise just because we’re dating.”

“Are we really dating? It feels like so much more than that,” Jim said.

“What, you wanted me to bring a U-Haul to the second date?” Bones asked.

“You’ve practically moved in regardless,” Jim pointed out. “You only go back to your quarters for new clothing.”

“Is that an invite to move in?” Bones asked. “Because as much as I want to say yes, I think maybe it should be a little while before we take that step. I don’t want us to get bored with each other or fizzle out.”

“It’s been like almost two weeks of being in each other’s back pockets, and I’m not bored yet,” Jim said. “Anyone else I’d have told to go away by now. But not you...you I still want to be with every moment. In fact, going back on duty kind of bums me out because that’s eight hours a day I can’t be with you. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of you if I’m not already.”

Bones didn’t look entirely convinced. “I’m not moving in until it’s been a little longer. There’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. And...I want us to last.”

Jim kissed the corner of his mouth. “We don’t have to decide this right now. We’ll revisit it when you’re ready.”

Taking the opportunity to ruffle Jim’s hair, Bones smiled. “It’ll likely be sooner than you’re thinking. I just...want to make sure first. I don’t know...it’s been so long for me that I thought this would never happen, I’m a bit scared of moving too fast. I don’t want to mess up like I have before.”

“Doesn’t it take both parties for a marriage to fall apart?” Jim wondered out loud.

“...It does, but we also know how well I deal with failure,” Bones replied.

“That doesn’t make you a failure,” Jim said. “Neither does losing a patient, actually. None of that is you failing.”

“I know that up here,” Bones said as he tapped the side of his head. “But in here,” he continued with a tap to his chest.

Jim placed his hand over Bones’ on his heart. Their fingers were almost the same length, with Jim’s being slightly longer. He marveled for a while at their now-similar hands, and Jim squeezed Bones’ fingers.

“I guess I just have to show you that you’re not a failure,” Jim said. “I guess I have to show it to you as long as it takes until you get it.”

Bones seemed to relax at this, and Jim decided he would do whatever it took to shake his insecurities. Nothing was too great.

“We should probably clean up so I can clear you for duty,” Bones said.

“Can’t we just...take today?” Jim said. “I think I need to...readjust. Yeah. Yeah, I need to readjust.”

Bones laughed, looking off to the side. “You’re pushing it.”

“Please?” Jim said. “I promise I’ll report for duty at eight AM sharp.”

Continuing to laugh, Bones shook his head a few times. “Fine. We have today. But that’s it.”

“Awesome,” Jim said. “So what should we do with our time?”

“This is good,” Bones said. “Talking.”

Jim grabbed Bones and twisted, laying them down on the bed. They arranged themselves so that Jim lay with his head pillowed on Bones’ chest. Instead of talking, though, they were silent. Jim listened to the rhythmic beating of Bones’ heart, taking in the sight of his ceiling.

It not only was enough; it was everything.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim retakes the bridge, but not before getting the last word in.

After a night of Jim reacquainting himself with his real body, combined with Bones learning his male body for the first time at all, the alarm went off at 0600.

“Gah,” Jim proclaimed as he sat up. “I got so used to waking up naturally this feels horrendous.”

Bones was already out of the bed and stretching. “Some of us didn’t have that luxury.”

Jim sat up, running a hand through his hair. “Some of us should take a few days off to rest as thank you for hard work, dedication, and cuddliness. Spock too, though not for the cuddles. And Chankar.”

Bones snorted. “I appreciate the thought, but I don’t need time off. I’ll just be bored all day waiting for you to join me.”

“Being bored is good sometimes,” Jim said. “Come on, Bones. Let me reward you.”

“I already took yesterday,” Bones pointed out. “Jim, come on. You know I can’t stand being idle.”

Jim shrugged. “Okay. Fine. No time off. Just lots of secret rewards then.”

“Secret rewards?” Bones asked, tilting his head to one side.

“Well I can’t very well put ‘giving him blow jobs until the end of days’ in my log, can I?” Jim pointed out as he got out of bed.

“Touché,” Bones answered.

Jim headed into the bathroom with Bones at his heels, and Jim proudly lifted the toilet seat and peed.

“You’re entirely too pleased by that,” Bones said.

“Sitting to pee sucks,” Jim said. “It seriously sucks. Especially since someone kept leaving the toilet seat up. Not naming names.”

“That’s why you look before you sit down,” Bones said with a sigh. “Honestly.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter anymore, so I’ll leave it alone. Regardless, sitting to pee is inconvenient. You have to pull your pants down all the way instead of just opening the fly. Shit’s annoying.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Bones said. Jim flushed and they hopped in the shower together. Not sexily, though.

Okay, maybe a little sexily.

They were done in forty minutes, leaving them plenty of time to get ready to be on duty at 0800. They took turns drying each other off, helping each other into their uniforms, and went on their way.

As they walked to the mess, Bones brushed the back of his hand against Jim’s. “I’ve always loved how you look in that,” he said.

“In what?”

“Your captain’s colors,” Bones clarified. “It may be my favorite thing you wear.”

“So I should have gotten the dress is what you’re saying,” Jim said with a grin.

“I think that would have upset you,” Bones said. “A new uniform would have been only worthwhile were your situation permanent.”

“True,” Jim said as they entered the mess. They grabbed breakfast quickly; just egg and cheese sandwiches with coffee. There was a small two-person table unattended in the back, and they took it together.

Suddenly starving, Jim made short work of his sandwich. “I’m already eating a lot more,” he said. “You were right; since I was so tiny as a woman, I couldn’t put the food away. Now that I’m me again, I’m eating like I always do. I may need a second sandwich.”

Bones, who was only halfway done with his, mumbled something about Jim’s cholesterol.

“Oh fuck you,” Jim said with a laugh. “I’ll eat my damn sandwich and like it.”

Bones shrugged as Jim got his second sandwich. He turned too quickly, though, and bumped into someone. “Oh sorry.”

“My bad,” said the person, who Jim recognized as Reggie Berkhart.

Ugh.

“Oh! Captain Kirk,” Berkhart said. “I didn’t even...welcome back!”

Jim narrowed his eyes at him. The words seemed genuine enough, but Jim hadn’t forgotten the things he said about him as a woman.

“Thanks,” Jim said, not willing to give away he knew what a creep he was.

“Well anyways,” Berkhart said. “I’m glad you got returned to normal. Though you know...it wasn’t bad looking at you. If you know what I mean.”

Just like that, Jim’s goodwill whipped away. “Oh.”

“But come on, it must have been your dream,” Berkhart said. “Being the hottest chick on the ship.”

Jim cleared his throat. “I’m not really clear on why you think I want to hear this, Lieutenant.”

Berkhart frowned. “I meant---“

“I know what you meant,” Jim said with acid. “I know exactly what you meant. It’s not appropriate for you to talk about _any_ woman that way, let alone your captain. What, you think because I changed back I don’t care about you disrespecting me? When I already heard you disrespect me to your little buddies a few days ago?”

Now Berkhart went pale. “I just----“

“I know what you just,” Jim said. “Well, you won’t _just_ anymore. And that’s all I have to say.”

Before Berkhart could protest further, Jim took his sandwich and stalked back to the table he shared with Bones. He sat down kind of hard, and Bones gave him a concerned expression.

“Sorry.” Jim picked at the foil on his sandwich, not really hungry anymore. “Berkhart thinks we’re bros, and he thinks telling me how he’d have liked to fuck me as a woman is appropriate.”

Bones raised an eyebrow. “Well, that’s ballsy. I have to admire it, honestly. That takes guts.”

“He shouldn’t talk about women that way!” Jim said as he took a bite of the sandwich without tasting it.

“I’m not arguing that or anything other than his courage in saying these things to your face,” Bones pointed out. “Shit, I had a hard time communicating to you that I wanted you in spite of you reciprocating my feelings. There are just some things you don’t say.”

“Be honest with me,” Jim said. “Am I like him?”

“No,” Bones said. “You say weird things sometimes, but you’ve never been as stupid as he is. Who talks to their captain that way? I mean, honestly.”

“But the way I was with women...” Jim said with a frown.

“You were never that idiotic,” Bones explained. “Nor were you that brash. You said some special things sometimes, but you were never that stupid because, again, saying that to your captain? He deserves everything he has coming to him.”

Jim continued to eat his sandwich. “Okay. Well, he’s getting the book thrown at him. And Gaila and Nyota are also going to ruin his life.”

“Good.” Bones said as he finished his coffee. “He’s a prick. Always has been.”

Jim froze in mid-bite. “How’d you know that?”

“Because our female friends talk to me, Jim,” Bones said. “I’m not really clear on why, but I’ve always been one of those men women talk to. Maybe it’s because I was married.”

“Maybe,” Jim said. He finished the second sandwich, and they stood. It was time to head to the Bridge. “Are you coming with, or are we parting ways?”

“I’ll come with,” Bones said with a smile. “It’s always nice to see you take the Bridge.”

“Awww thanks boo-boo,” Jim said with an answering grin.

Bones scowled a bit at the pet name. “Really?”

“Really really,” Jim said. “Get used to it.”

Bones didn’t retort again, but he did sigh in the loudest manner Jim had ever heard. Regardless, they arrived on the Bridge, and Jim stepped towards his chair.

Sulu had the Conn, as he had done during the whole issue with Jim being a woman, and he stood to make way for Jim. “Captain. Nice to have you back!”

“Thanks,” Jim said as he took his seat. “Set a course back to the Starbase. I owe all of you some leave.”

“Yes sir,” Chekov and Sulu said in unison.

Jim swiveled in the chair to look up at Bones. Bones winked at him before excusing himself to head down to Medical. Jim smiled at his back, watching him go with the knowledge they’d be together again that night.

With another smile, Jim returned his focus back on his duties., though his mind did wander during his shift to his experiences as a woman. It hadn’t been all bad, but the some of the things he went through he had no desire to experience again. He had newfound respect, not only for Nyota, Gaila, Christine, and Carol, but for every woman who had crossed his path or would do so in the future. 

And Jim had Bones, truly had Bones, and knew he would for the rest of his life.


End file.
